We had an almost 4 hour drive ahead of us to get home. We’d travelled up from Toronto to Sudbury the day before just the 2 of us to see her 2 sisters compete in a swim meet.
I consider myself a very dedicated mother but if my teen had declined to come on this journey with me I think I would have skipped the 8 hours alone in the car, despite my low level anxiety for my 8 year old on her first “team travel” meet.
I really like my teen (so far). She triggers me FAST when she smart mouths me but on the whole she ain’t hitting the worrisome milestones I had already hit by her age so, for now, it’s mostly calm waters, and I like that.
Over the weekend she must have given her dad a test result that needed signing and returning to school. A test with a REALLY bad mark. Naturally her dad told me about it.
Now, I have a knack of taking information and running way into the future with it. I have a look around there and by the time I return to the present I have a whole load of lessons that need learning NOW so she doesn’t end up in that bleak place from which I have just returned. And, I know she doesn’t want to hear my wisdom, so, I freak out a little bit.
We are about an hour into the car ride when I ever so casually bring up;
“So…….What’s going on with your grades?”
I’ll spare you the pulling of teeth conversation that followed but which was started with “I dunno”.
My teen is the child that resists me coaching her. I am a certified life coach and she resists most things that are going to stir up emotion – making me need to exercise A LOT of self-restraint. At home she is very slippery because when a conversation heads in a direction that will bring up some emotion she can get up and leave the room. She can suddenly “neeeeed” to go to the washroom (who can argue with that?!). She can suddenly remember really important homework that needs doing (again, who am I to argue?!). She’s getting good at throwing me off her trail. #teentalents
She has been able to do, for a few years, what so many of us adults have mastered – avoiding the deep and difficult stuff – the emotional stuff – the important stuff. We’ll just deal with it later……right?!?
She is familiar with the art of numbing and distraction already. Yes, this REALLY bugs the shit out of me.
However, she was now a captive in our little enclosure on wheels.
Truth is, if someone does not want coaching then coaching should not be done. Only those who really want something to change will be open to the kind of conversation that can transform. But this is my daughter and I’ll keep showing up with as many resources as I have to help her keep learning and growing.
I could have gone the route that a school would and made some sort of growth plan with her, but would she stick to it???? Not likely!! I decided she needed to go deeper than that.
Me: “What’s important to you?”
Maddi: “My grades”
Me: “How important?”
Maddi: “OMG, sooo important, you don’t know how I worry, how I try and organize…….etc, etc”
Me: “What else is important to you?”
We continue in a similar fashion. She tells me family, friends, swimming, animals, singing, drawing, writing are all very important to her.
I spend time going deeper into the things she says are important to her. I want her to do what she resists most – to FEEL why they are important to her. I want her to experience the happiness when she talks about them. Or where there is a lack of happiness and potentially some stress.
My usually resistant daughter is taking a long hard look at stuff that actually matters to her.
It turns out that something that is really important to her is not getting the time and attention it deserves. It has clearly shown its face and it cannot be ignored.
In the next installment I’ll tell you how I helped her get to such an important realization and what she is willing to do about it.