Month: May 2016

Make This Small Change and Watch How Your Day Gets Better

Blog2-May 12It’s a small change. Not necessarily an easy change. What I’m suggesting you do is change your mind.

Your thoughts are what get you in to (or out of) trouble.

I got “coached” this morning by my teenager because the theme of the week in our house has been, “pay attention to what you are thinking”. When I made a suggestion to her she responded with “I was just doing that” then came “seriously”. Apparently the “seriously” was to her sister and not to me – likely story – so I was being reminded of my own words after I pulled her up on her rudeness. I’m not loving the teenage ability to spin a story to be unprovable!!!

I’ve been hearing a lot of negativity coming out of my girls recently. The other day it felt really personal when my youngest complained that I spend longer saying goodnight to her sister than I do with her. Ouch!! I immediately started thinking “I’m a bad mom, I’m damaging my child, she’s going to need a life coach of her own in a few years to move forward from “mommy issues”, am I really being neglectful?” The thing is, she wasn’t wrong.

Thankfully, on this particular night I wasn’t counting down the moments until I could face plant my pillow so I was able to give her a chance to look at how she was thinking.

Firstly, a little back story. Me and my youngest daughter (the one feeling duped at bedtime) spend A LOT of time together. We have 3 girls and they are all competitive swimmers. The 2 eldest swim at the same time, same pool. The youngest different times, different pools. So, my husband and I divide and conquer. I get to pick my youngest up from school, we do homework together, she helps me cook, we chat during our car rides (she’s at the pool 5 times a week), and I watch a good portion of her swimming once I’ve done my own runs.

So, I brought her attention to the fact that if she is focusing her thoughts on herself getting “less than”, she will find the evidence of this. Of course she will find it, we have 2 other children that need our attention also. I told her what I wanted her to try was having the thought of “my mom and dad are always there when I need or want them.”

I don’t expect her thoughts and behaviour to change immediately. This particular 10 year old won’t remember the conversation, never mind the new thought process, so it will take some reminders and variations for her to benefit from this new thought process. But if she nails it she will be looking for evidence of love and abundance, instead of lacking and “poor me”.

Another example I found on this recently was a conversation I was having with a friend. We were talking about only children. I am an only child, so when she shared her experience of feeling judged when people would question her choice of having “just one”, for a split second I bought in. Absolutely people judge. They may be thinking you are selfish, or that you have a hard time getting pregnant or you are a practical person who doesn’t have the financial means to support more than one child. Whatever anyone else thinks is related to their own stories and none of your business.

And often people are just curious. Like me. If I see a set of twins I have a ton of questions. No, I have no interest how they were conceived, but if I did, that might be because I was having issues getting pregnant myself. You just never know, and shouldn’t guess, someone else’s intentions.

For mothers that get upset by the questions about their choices I’d ask, what is the thought that you are having that is causing the bad feeling? And I don’t mean the thought of “mind your own effing business”. I’m talking about getting to the heart of the (grey) matter, where you have made something up to mean you are “less than”, “wrong” or “missing something”.

One child / 10 children / IVF / adoption / sperm banks…..whatever your choices are, stand behind them and answer curiosity with kindness. Sure you could run across someone who intends on making you feel wrong. And the sooner you get comfortable with the idea that they are feeding their own needs and it has nothing to do with you, the better.

So that small change? Yes, it can have BIG impact. Just as soon as you check in with your thoughts and pick something more useful to think when you are feeling like things aren’t going your way.

Do the work. Make yourself your priority. You’re worth it.

Hugs, Vicky xxx

When Change Is In The Air

There’s an area in your life (several in mine) that makes you feel restless.

There’s a change that’s brewing.

You are ready for a change but are resistant to making that first move. Partly because you are not sure what that first move should be.

Well, how about you try this method out?

Firstly, acknowledge where you are now. What is it that you DO NOT want? What isn’t working for you. Be as clear as you can. While you are at it, make sure you are aware and also acknowledge what actions are getting you these unwanted results. Be sure to take responsibility for these actions. Reasoning that “it’s because my boss…..”, “I don’t have…….” won’t help you. If you hear an excuse coming up reword it so you take ownership of your own actions.

You cannot change what you do not own.

Next, put a great deal of thought into where you want to be. What DO you want? Don’t skimp on this step. Make it as detailed as possible. Think S.M.A.R.T. Which stands for Specific (who, what, where, why), Measurable (track your progress, and success), Attainable (Is it reasonably achievable and how so), Relevant (does it meet your needs and is it consistent with who you are), Time Bound (put a date on it). And have a sense on how having this will make you feel.

When you are clear on what you want, again, think “actions”. What are the actions that will get you to the results you want?

You must take it a step further though because action doesn’t come until you have your head in the game.

You MUST check in with what you are thinking.

You can’t continue to think the same as you did before and expect different results.

Yep, it’ll be tricky. Your brain would rather skip the hard work and stick with old routines and thought patterns, but you ain’t having that no more. And you’ll be ready for your mind to start it’s rebellion. If you’ve been reading along you know this is when the “inner critic” will jump to its feet and get up to its tricks of firstly bullishly telling you that you can’t do this, or that you won’t succeed, that there’s no point in trying and if you try to stand up to it it’ll change its tactic to reasoning with you seductively with stories of you not having time, or that something else is more important right now.

Brains Gone Wild. No more!!

If you are ready to get working on this I have made you a worksheet where you can put all your thoughts on paper, in the order in which I described above.

Get the worksheet here:
Click Here to Get Worksheet