Bullying is not always as clear cut as one person shoving another into the lockers. Or one screaming and publicly cussing out another. Bullying is often not visible to outsiders. Even if a teacher suspected destructive behaviour, they have limited resources when it comes to Girl Groups.
How do you even know the extent of destruction within a girl group if everything from the outside looks friendly and tightly meshed.
How would an adult begin to break down such a group when those girls will band together so tightly against outside attack?
Well this adult, me, knew what to do when she suspected her daughter was going up against the same monster. And the reason I could help is because I know it so well having experienced it for myself.
Before we got to high school we were bike riding, den building, dance choreographing pre-teens, not nearly equipped for our first year of high school.
I remember within the first days of high school my best friend coming up to me telling me she’d met these really great girls. They looked unfazed by high school, they knew older kids, they were confident and one even smoked. Although we hadn’t had our heads flushed down toilets yet, as we had been previously warned, there seemed some safety hanging out with these girls.
The group quickly formed to 6 of us. 4 of us came from one middle school, the other 2 from a different middle school. The other 2 would become the “leader” and “sidekick” of our group.
To start it was exciting. We’d be meeting up on weekends and then weekend nights. Soon there was 4 of us smoking and shortly after that we were buying bottles of wine to go to parties with.
Who knows when the group dynamics really started to set in. I suspect the games and manipulation started on day one.
The group had its “leader” (from now on lovingly referred to as L) and the leader had a trusty “sidekick” (we’ll call her SK). The other 4 of us were basically pawns.
One day there was a seemingly harmless joke made by L or SK about one of the girls. L laughs, SK laughs. The target of the joke laughs. The others laugh, I laugh. Maybe I laughed loudest that day and that earned me some extra attention. I have to admit it felt pretty good with L linking one arm and SK linking the other and them laughing with me like everything I say is “the best”. And that’s how the rest of the day would play out. I’d be the centre of attention and even the other 3 would fall in and find me hilarious. It was awesome.
The next day as I’d approach the group I could sense immediately a shift. Ready to be as entertaining and amazing as I was the day before I confidently struck up a conversation to be suddenly shot down and ridiculed, in front of everyone. What?!? What did I say? I don’t get it. The proverbial rug had been well and truly pulled from under my feet. What had I done?
I tried to gather intel from who I thought were my allies and figure out what I had done wrong but they reflected the frostiness of L and SK. I was well and truly OUT. And I’d spend the rest of the day trying to gain back some level of inclusion.
So, the next day, with my head hung a little lower than before I approach the group wondering what I will do today to try and get back in the good books. Immediately I am greeted enthusiastically. I am back IN. And I’m quickly encouraged to get on the bandwagon of freezing out one of the other 3 girls. I guiltily oblige.
At the relief of being out of the firing zone I have taken my first step in agreement of being able to make another girl feel like crap. Although it never feels right or good it does feel easier each time to ignore the feelings of this not being right because the feeling of being included does feel right and necessary to my well being.
Being on the OUT of the group means being within proximity of the group but knowing embarrassingly that you are not being included and that at any moment they may publicly humiliate you, or make you do something dumb, or just use you as entertainment by making fun of you and picking at everything you do.
So, why stay?
I stuck with the group for the better part of a school year. It felt so much longer. It was confusing and confusion is great at keeping you stuck.
How did I get here? Who are my real friends? Am I a bad person now? What did they mean by that? Is there something wrong with me? Nope, all is good today.
Eventually I could no longer handle the emotional roller coaster. Feeling humiliated and not knowing where I stood one day to the next had had its day.
A HUGE act of courage would have been to just leave the group by myself and figure out my next move as it happened. I didn’t do that but I do believe my next move was still very courageous for a 14 year old.
I trusted one of the other girls. I spilled my guts on how I was feeling and that I couldn’t stay like that. Would she leave the group with me?
I held my breath because everything I’d just said to her was “gold” in getting her up the ranks in the group and would definitely gain her a place on top for a week or more. And my life would have been hell.
She was as upset as me. We risked social annihilation and public humiliation and chose to leave the group anyway.
Our exit was thankfully anti-climactic but what it left me with was a knowing that I could stand up for myself and that people are not allowed to treat me like that. A life lesson that would serve me well always.
In addition to that I took responsibility for how I acted. L and SK played a masterful game but could not have executed without willing participants. I could not change the past but I could behave better in the future. I had created this particular result and I could create a better result for myself in the future.
So, when my daughter had the exact same experience I was able to fast track her understanding by firstly making her aware – taking her out of the confusion and self loathing – so she could decide for herself when she had had enough.
She took the same risk as me by confiding in one of the other girls. My daughter said the other girl was so relieved to hear that my daughter was going through the same thing. Together they decided to be united and ultimately left the group.
Their exit was not without drama and so the school got involved but not without some insistence. The Principal wanted to see the “drama” blow over.
I was upset for my daughter had to go through but felt no ill will to her L and SK.
L has leadership skills, SK has support skills. In “girl world” these could be a huge asset. Girls could definitely use the extra boosts to live bigger and bolder lives.
Unfortunately when fear raises it’s ugly head it can make good leaders in to fear driven mean leaders.
I’m sure my L and SK had a change in direction with some life experience behind them.
With a spotlight on mean moms social engineering their daughters lives it would seem that some mean girls grow into mean moms. Their intention may be to help their daughter avoid what they went through but acting with a fear mentality will never get us to a better place.
Kindness and inclusion are simple in theory but just like honesty take commitment, especially when you may risk your own popularity to honour it.
Girl groups can also be fantastic. And I have had that experience too. And there is just as much to learn from having great friends as there is from a not so great experience.
To all the good girlfriends out there. Keep up the great work and keep supporting each other.
Hugs, Vicky xx
Never miss a post again. Join us in our free program, a Year of Growth. Aprils topic is about the Inner Critic – that pesky voice in your head that talks you out of going for what you want.
Click Here to Join