POWERFUL

i don’t know how to help you

Now I’ll add a bit of grammar (don’t message me if I get it wrong :)).

“I don’t know!!”
How to help you……

Coaching clients commonly answer “I don’t know” to my questions. When I dig deeper 98% of the time they TOTALLY DO KNOW. So what prompts this answer which stops the learning?

It is the easiest answer to give.

They are not being lazy or flippant. Their brains are doing what they are supposed to do – take the easiest path. With all the millions of decisions your brain is making every day which don’t require your conscious effort, it will absolutely try and avoid the deep thinking.

I don’t let that brain get away with short cutting, because getting a client to discover their own answers is incredibly powerful work.

Do you want to learn how to coach yourself to avoid giving yourself the “I don’t know answer?”

It takes practice and dedication because NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) is a fact, you will follow the path most travelled, which means it’s easy to fall back into old habits.

The answer is actually quite simple, it’s the implementation that is more difficult.

Ask yourself better questions.

As a coach I’m trained to ask questions, but alone in my head I still sometimes ask dead end questions.

Why do you let that person talk to you/treat you like that?

It is way too easy to answer “I don’t know”, resolve to do better next time and move on. Hey, I’m very efficiently moving away from the discomfort of the WHOLE situation. Crafty move, yes?

How likely do you think there will be a repeat of being spoken to or treat badly?

What if you did know why you let that person treat you like that? Or what would be your best guess as to why?

These are extremely simple follow up questions to “I don’t know” and they are extremely effective. The client, in this case yourself, realizes that they aren’t getting off the hook and look a little deeper, almost always coming up with an answer, something that they can work on.

We let ourselves off the hook a lot. And that’s OK when it’s not important. When it is important, when something is having a negative affect on our lives, it is in our best interest to get the answers which allow us to move forward.

Who are you when you are alone?

Blog image-who are you when alone

In the theme of self-awareness being alone is an important step to having the space to be introspective and figure yourself out.

For me, the thought of being alone brings up mixed feelings. To get a whole day to myself feels so foreign to me now that I would have a hard time knowing what to do with myself.

My kids are older and they aren’t attached to my side but they’ll soon let their presence known when it’s time to eat, or get dropped off somewhere. And in the lulls, when there’s nothing to be done for the house or family, I have NO IDEA what I will do for me. It’s like all possibilities come to me at once and I’m paralyzed by choice. I wander, confused, around the house. I want to squeeze every drop of goodness out of this time……but doing what?!?

If I were being self-aware I’d tune in to the fact that 50% of my book purchases recently have been cook books. Do I want to cook something fancy? Or I could pay attention to my body. Am I craving movement or stillness? A walk or curl up with a book? Find something mentally stimulating or grab a colouring book? I have A LOT of choices.

And who are you?

When you take away the identities given to you – wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, insert job title, what do you identify with?

Are you playful? Goofy? Nerdy? Nature loving? City slicking? Stationary addicted? Animal enthusiast? Yogi? Soulful? Spiritual? Level headed? Logical? Emotional? Honest to a fault? Artistic? Creative? Mathematical? A Leader? An activist? A contributor? The list is endless (thankfully, because I personally LOVE how different you are – it makes you VERY interesting to be with and talk to).

And how often do we get to talk about who we really are? We get wrapped up in general conversation more often than deep talk.

What really makes you tick? What gives you energy? What gets you excited?

We recently did a plan for 2016. If you filled it out I want you to revisit that plan AFTER you consider who you are. Truly and deeply. You may find that your direction doesn’t fully align with what you are discovering about yourself.

Take time to check in with your values. Are they being honoured in your life?

If you value family, are you making time and prioritizing them?

If you value learning, how are you keeping your mind busy?

In studying to become a coach I was taken through a values exercise and re-affirmed that I value respect for self and for others and fairness. I didn’t realize how strongly I felt about it. Once I acknowledged it, I could no longer ignore it and changed the way I behave. Instead of being triggered and getting angry, I suddenly had understanding and could communicate what I needed instead.

I also discovered how important adventure was for me. It explains a sense of restlessness when I don’t have any new experiences for a while. Believe me, this is good information to know about myself.

Some values are obvious, like honesty (I hope) and security. And some are a little more hidden like Originality, Accountability, Reliability, Tolerance.

When you see your values are getting stepped on / not honoured / dis-respected, then you are in a position of power and can choose how to handle the situation, instead of being grumpy for seemingly no good reason.

If you consider walking in the trail to be natures medicine but are filling your time up in the city, you could go a long time, not understanding your lack lustre feelings for the weekend, and begin to resent your plans and appear unreasonable. A simple fix would be to schedule time to honour your value of nature.

So, I’ll ask you again, who are you when you are alone?

Try the values exercises, get access below (you will get this automatically if you have already joined the Year of Growth).
Values Exercises – Yes Please

The 5 Lessons I Teach Constantly

I have 3 daughters. I’ve told them so many important lessons; don’t touch the hot stove, look both ways before crossing the street, don’t talk to strangers, don’t eat yellow snow – all the important stuff.

As they grow older I also try to advise them how not to be manipulated. How to respect yourself at a high school party. How to respectfully make a teacher listen that you didn’t understand the lesson. How to respectfully disagree.

We all know that with kids, teenagers especially, it’s in one ear and out the other. My best guess is that about 15% of what I tell them is retained and helps them navigate life.

Sooooooo, I wait for the really teachable moments. Right after they screwed up, got hurt, were deceived, were disappointed, were bullied, In talking to them in those moments I was able to give real teachable moments.

All 3 of my girls have been bullied, excluded, ridiculed and embarrassed in front of their peers. They’ve all been winded by surprising actions of people they thought they could trust. They’ve all encountered an adult who is difficult to find respect for.

I truly love these teaching moments. It feels like these are the true life lessons that will help them always. If they can get these lessons now they will hopefully be less hurt, or more self reflective and able to adeptly adjust. For we all know, as Oprah has told us, that lessons will keep coming around until you learn them.

So, on to those lessons. And although these are what I teach my girls, they are every bit as important for us “grown up girls” too. I have had personal growth from each of these lessons.

Reflect. What do you want in this situation? If you are storming away from an argument, once you are calmer you’re probably able to say you didn’t want to crush the spirit of the other person, you just wanted to be heard. When you can reflect and understand “I want to be heard” then you can tackle the situation very differently. What doesn’t work is thinking “I want them to shut up, go away, be somebody else, do something else”, which leads to lesson 2.
Personal responsibility. The ONLY person you can control is yourself. Blame eases the responsibility off your plate and on to the other persons. How much power to change the situation do you have once you’ve dumped that junk “over there”? It’s still there, but now you are just hoping that it bothers someone else enough that they’ll get rid of it for you. A tiresome procedure. What you can do right now is go back to lesson 1, reflect on what you want for you, and get into action.
Do not try and guess other people’s intentions. Everyone has an agenda, whether it is full of kindness or full of self preservation, it is there. When my girls are devastated at the behaviour of others I consider this an important lesson. We don’t know the other persons full story. We don’t know what they need to do to feel good about themselves. It sure is wrong of them to take 5 other people and ridicule you in front of your class. Remember, that speaks more about who they are than who you are. Please, please, please don’t change who you are to try and make that person or group of people happy. It NEVER works. So, what’s a girl to do? Go back to lessons 1 and 2 (I told you these lessons get a lot of air time).
When you feel bad you do bad. My girls are not always the “victims” (I’m careful when using this word because I never want them to feel powerless). They have unkind moments too. As I see them happen in family life I am able to take them aside and ask “what’s going on?”. When I do this with a feeling of, I’m checking in to see if you are ok because this isn’t like you, the relief and sadness that comes out is powerful. If I can teach them to notice when their impact is negative and reflect back to themselves then they grow and potentially the other person does too (certainly they’ll have a better interaction with my girls at the very least). If they are able to understand that they were behaving badly because they felt hurt, tired, hungry, threatened, undermined or just plain bitchy, then they could do a pretty quick re-adjust.
Be kind. To everyone. Granted some people are harder to be kind to than others but we don’t know peoples stories. As my kids figure out the personal responsibility bit and wonder “shouldn’t everyone be responsible for their own actions?”, I tell them that is true but again remind them that they are only responsible for THEIR OWN behaviour and how they treat someone is up to them. I tell them they must still have their own boundaries, and while they are with someone they can still be kind, even if the kindest thing they can do is smile and tell them goodbye.

So, these are the 5 lessons I seem to be constantly teaching in my home. The biggest take away I want for my girls, myself, and people in general, is self awareness. You can’t change what you don’t know is there.

Even a simple change in perspective can have huge impact.

Self discovery and development!!!! I seriously love this stuff!!

4 Hours in the Car with my Teen – Part 2

Following on from my previous post here, in which I have my teen daughter in the car with me with nowhere else to go for a few hours and I started up a conversation about her grades, I dug deeper with our conversation, in which she surprisingly willingly participated, which brings us to this installment of what she discovered by using one of my coaching tools.

My teen has seen my coaching paraphernalia around. It was actually a timely question when she asked me about a week prior to our talk what the “being and doing” part of the system means.

She used every ounce of focus to listen (because I’m sure she regretted asking as soon as it was out of her mouth) as I described that who you are and who you are being should precede, in most cases, what you are doing. My example to her was, “a vegan should probably not be working in a chicken slaughtering plant” – I really do wonder sometimes where my creativity goes at times like this!!! I think she was more grossed out by the example than getting the point of it. Oh well, I’m sure I’ll get a do over soon enough. I think at the very least she understands I want, so much, for her to line up what she does in the world with who she truly is.

Back to the car ride.

She conveniently had pen and paper at hand so I decided we would do a Wheel of Life exercise.

I asked her to draw the circle and label the outside with the headings of the things that were important to her. For her it was family, friends, relationship, swimming, school, health and appearance, fun, hobbies (writing, drawing, singing, music).

I explained how to mark them from 1-10 and also made sure she understood that marking a 3 in friends didn’t mean they were bad friends, it might mean that something isn’t working in that segment, like time with friends, or communication with friends. I wanted her to be clear that there is no judgement on anyone or anything regardless of what number she assigned. What I do know about teenagers is they are fiercely protective of their people and things and I did not want her being cautious about sharing. I’m very aware she only knows me as her mother and not a coach so she doesn’t know the experience of me as unattached to the “why”, only to what will help her learn about herself.

I’m driving still so I’m not overlooking her progress but I honestly think it wouldn’t have made a difference. She was very involved in her own experience. She was interested in her own discoveries.

Once she was done we started the next part of the conversation:

Me: “What area has a low mark that you would like to see improve immediately?”

Maddi: “My hobbies.” (this is not what I thought she would pick but I had zero attachment to her choice)

Me: “What number do you have your hobbies at?”

Maddi: “A number 2”

Me: “What does a number 2 look like?” (tee-hee-hee she was so into her experience here she missed the funny)

Maddi: “I think about doing one of my hobbies but I run out of time and I never spend any time doing any of them.”

Me: “And how does that feel?”

Maddi: “Not good cos those things make me happy and some of the other distractions don’t make me happy”

We continued to discover what a number 5 would look like and even a number 9. 10 seemed a bit elusive to her (and that’s a whole different coaching session – haha).

She came to a conclusion about something I have been on her case about since December.

She has decided for herself that this is an important elimination in order for her to make time and space for something that she couldn’t previously pinpoint was missing.

She has declared her hobbies as a “must have” in her life. She has a better understanding for her need for a creative outlet.

She is hitting different and much better milestones than I hit at her age. I didn’t declare what was important for me and so I let others decide for me and I went along with the group…….and that is a whole other story.

So, back in December, for the holidays, we relented and got Maddi an iPhone.

She cried.

She was so excited that at 13 ½ years old she could FINALLY be like all (I’m sure not really) her friends and be able to communicate with the world like a “regular human teenager” via text (cos she still doesn’t actually speak to anyone on the phone).

It was the best of times. It was the worst of times. Sigh. For the last 5 months that damn phone has been the biggest issue in our house!!

Anyways, the icing on the cake, for me, was when she says she wants help setting boundaries around her phone. She feels trapped in needing to respond when she sees someone has messaged her or else she thinks she will offend them.

She finally understands that she is responding to other peoples agendas.

She knows how limited her time is (she is a competitive swimmer so is in the pool up to 9 times a week) and she wants time for EVERYTHING that is important to her.

She doesn’t underestimate what a hold the phone and the social interactions have over her. She has asked for my help.

She has done the hard work of going inward and really discovering what she wants in her life right now. And showing a continued commitment to what she wants will require work also. I know how easy it is to mindlessly get sucked into my iPad or TV watching and then regretting how I spent that time. I have had whole Saturdays lost doing mindless useless stuff that I didn’t want to be doing.

If she can get used to redirecting herself this way it will be a gift always. She can shift her attention, intention and direction whenever she chooses. And I hope she chooses often because it’s way too easy to get into a busy rut and forget where you actually wanted to be heading. Can you relate? I know I can.

If I can teach her this, and she uses it often, then I’ll be happy……..for a short time at least. Look, I’m her mother and there are so many more lessons I want her to learn.

After a period of silence in the car she turns to me and says “you know, I hate when we have these talks, but then it’s always really great in the end.”

Me: “Well, if you’d just stop resisting and LISTEN to me we could have your life signed, sealed and delivered with a pretty bow – now wouldn’t that feel great” is what I wanted to say – but didn’t. I know when NOT to push my luck.

Momma really does know best.

How to Make the Most out of 4 Hours in the Car with my Teen, part 1

We had an almost 4 hour drive ahead of us to get home. We’d travelled up from Toronto to Sudbury the day before just the 2 of us to see her 2 sisters compete in a swim meet.

I consider myself a very dedicated mother but if my teen had declined to come on this journey with me I think I would have skipped the 8 hours alone in the car, despite my low level anxiety for my 8 year old on her first “team travel” meet.

I really like my teen (so far). She triggers me FAST when she smart mouths me but on the whole she ain’t hitting the worrisome milestones I had already hit by her age so, for now, it’s mostly calm waters, and I like that.

Over the weekend she must have given her dad a test result that needed signing and returning to school. A test with a REALLY bad mark. Naturally her dad told me about it.

Now, I have a knack of taking information and running way into the future with it. I have a look around there and by the time I return to the present I have a whole load of lessons that need learning NOW so she doesn’t end up in that bleak place from which I have just returned. And, I know she doesn’t want to hear my wisdom, so, I freak out a little bit.

We are about an hour into the car ride when I ever so casually bring up;

“So…….What’s going on with your grades?”

I’ll spare you the pulling of teeth conversation that followed but which was started with “I dunno”.

My teen is the child that resists me coaching her. I am a certified life coach and she resists most things that are going to stir up emotion – making me need to exercise A LOT of self-restraint. At home she is very slippery because when a conversation heads in a direction that will bring up some emotion she can get up and leave the room. She can suddenly “neeeeed” to go to the washroom (who can argue with that?!). She can suddenly remember really important homework that needs doing (again, who am I to argue?!). She’s getting good at throwing me off her trail. #teentalents

She has been able to do, for a few years, what so many of us adults have mastered – avoiding the deep and difficult stuff – the emotional stuff – the important stuff. We’ll just deal with it later……right?!?

She is familiar with the art of numbing and distraction already. Yes, this REALLY bugs the shit out of me.

However, she was now a captive in our little enclosure on wheels.

Truth is, if someone does not want coaching then coaching should not be done. Only those who really want something to change will be open to the kind of conversation that can transform. But this is my daughter and I’ll keep showing up with as many resources as I have to help her keep learning and growing.

I could have gone the route that a school would and made some sort of growth plan with her, but would she stick to it???? Not likely!! I decided she needed to go deeper than that.

Me: “What’s important to you?”

Maddi: “My grades”

Me: “How important?”

Maddi: “OMG, sooo important, you don’t know how I worry, how I try and organize…….etc, etc”

Me: “What else is important to you?”

We continue in a similar fashion. She tells me family, friends, swimming, animals, singing, drawing, writing are all very important to her.

I spend time going deeper into the things she says are important to her. I want her to do what she resists most – to FEEL why they are important to her. I want her to experience the happiness when she talks about them. Or where there is a lack of happiness and potentially some stress.

My usually resistant daughter is taking a long hard look at stuff that actually matters to her.

It turns out that something that is really important to her is not getting the time and attention it deserves. It has clearly shown its face and it cannot be ignored.

In the next installment I’ll tell you how I helped her get to such an important realization and what she is willing to do about it.

Turned my mood around. Yay me!

This morning, I woke early so I could get a run in, make lunches, prep snacks and put a meal in the crockpot for dinner tonight. Oh, and get myself ready – which incidentally I didn’t leave enough time for again so again I am make-up-less. Yikes!!

Anyways, I’m not a natural bright and shiny morning person. Add to that the pots in the sink that were unlikely to get cleaned before I ran out the door, and the swim bags that weren’t packed ready for after school, and the clean laundry all over my bedroom floor because someone was obviously looking for an important piece of clothing to wear that day, meant that pressure was brewing before the kids came downstairs.

And then……I decided I didn’t want to feel this way. I don’t take for granted my ability to have control over this part of myself and so I chose to do something about it.

Off went the news, on went the music – loud, and by the time the kids did show their faces I felt like a whole new person.

The reason I’m writing about this is because I felt good about making the choice of showing up nicer for myself and my kids. It’s way too easy to feel justified in my grumpiness in the morning and continue being a bear.

For over a year I was a regular at yoga (which I really want to make time for again), during that time I really learned the power of deep breathing. Stopping and taking a deep breath almost stops time for a few seconds. It is a conscious action so it brings me into the present moment. I also use this as a reminder to check in with my body. I’ll notice where I am holding tension and let it go. There is a big shift that can happen in those 8-10 seconds of a deep breath. Give it a try.

What is it that you do to “reset” when you are feeling bad? Share it in the comments or share it with someone around you. I’m willing to bet that others would welcome the tip and even more so the reminder that they can do this small thing for themselves and change the course of their day.

Don’t be a victim in your own life

Lesson to my kids:

DON’T BE A VICTIM IN YOUR OWN LIFE.

My daughter does not read books. It drives me nuts. She struggles at school but it is not due to a lack of effort. IF SHE WOULD JUST READ, it would increase her comprehension so much. We all know this.

So, I kind of lost my plot on her when I found out that a book that she started at the end of June still isn`t finished!!!

Her response started with puppy dog eyes and a furrowed brow saying `but I don`t have time mom`.

A bit of a back story on her is that on top of school she has quite a bit of homework, and as I said, academia doesn`t come easy so it can be a longish process, plus she is a competitive swimmer so she is in the pool upto 9 times a week. She LOVES swimming and she puts in the effort to make this all work. So, when she pulled that line on me I agreed and sympathised with her for a second.

I TOTALLY BOUGHT INTO HER STORY.

But really, where could we possibly go from that belief?

After I left her a little while to cool off, because the discussion didn`t end with her little statement, I then challenged her and it resulted in a lot of head wagging and snarky looks (her, not me, promise), we automatically found the point where we should part company temporarily.

Anyways, once the tension was broken I pointed out to her that when she has a victim mentality of having `not enough` free time she runs the risk of making choices from a reactionary perspective and as far as I could see there would be the danger of making a bad choice.

However, if she changed her perspective to one that she has a full life doing the swimming she loves and getting well deserved results from school because of the effort she puts in, then she is in a far more powerful position to handle her time and outcomes.

I saw in her face what this change in perspective did for her. She seemed to become taller right in front of me. She instantly appreciated everything she has. Sure she is busy and she loves it. This perspective had her focus on what she has and not on what she doesn`t.

So, what are the chances that that lesson sank in and we won`t be here again?

POWERFUL

Do you want to learn how to coach yourself to avoid giving yourself the “I don’t know answer?”

Ask yourself better questions.

And who are you?

When you take away the identities given to you – wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, insert job title, what do you identify with?

What really makes you tick? What gives you energy? What gets you excited?

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