self discovery

You 1 – Mean Girl 0

The mean girl we are talking about is the one in your own head. Also known as Inner Critic, Saboteur or Gremlin.

It actually feels a little unfair to refer to the voice in my head as a mean girl. I’ve experienced a real life mean girl and she humiliated me, laughed at me, ganged up on me and conspired to make me feel small.

I don’t relate that to the voice in my head. Sure she can be loud and unkind, however, I feel her motivation is in my best interest.

I lived blissfully unaware of my Inner Critic for most of my life. It wasn’t until I trained as a Life Coach that the bubble burst – which was ultimately a good thing. Before this I believed what I was telling myself and led a relatively safe life. I enjoyed variety in my life but I wasn’t pursuing my dreams and ambitions.

My Inner Critic had no problem with me training and getting certified as a Life Coach. I have a passion for psychology and feel extremely capable in this role. However, when I decided to make a business of Life Coaching my Inner Critic has been a constant companion ever since.

Even as I write this post I have a running commentary telling me that nobody will read this far, that I’m not getting my point across very well and that nobody is interested in what I have to say. True or not, the commentary is of no help to me.

So, I created a printable worksheet which is part of my free Spring Clean Your Life program that is running through April. You can learn more about it here.

Check out the worksheet to get more acquainted with your Inner Mean Girl so you can better handle her and go after what is important to you.

Tame that Inner Critic and you’ll be surprised by the results. The trick is that you first have to recognize her. She will seduce you with reasons you should stay where you are, or make you believe you are incapable but use the worksheet to get to the truth, because your Inner Mean Girl / Critic is a little (lot) loose with the truth.

I’d love to hear how you are getting on. Come and share in the Facebook group.

Hugs, Vicky xxx

Why You Aren’t Reaching Your Goals

I have an extremely persistent child. She wears me down with questioning and reasoning and she is relentless in going for what she wants. She exhausts me and she is very smart.

She is not unlike the voice in our heads. Our Inner Critic.

Our Inner Critic is also extremely smart and knows exactly how to keep us precisely where we are now – safe, comfortable, not stretching ourselves. Our Inner Critic is good at her role and she has many ways of convincing us that she is right. She has many different arguments for us to listen to. It is often easier to go along with her than to fight with her.

I’d like to do a quick experiment with you. Today, in our Spring Clean Your Life Challenge, I released a “Goals” worksheet. It’s easy, write down a big goal for yourself.

Think about your goal. Notice what starts to go on inside your head.

Did you get to write down the big goal or did your Inner Critic get to you before you even got to writing? “There’s no point in thinking big”, “as if you have time for this”, “keep it easy so you can move onto something else instead”.

If you managed to write the big goal, what is your mind saying now? “Sure, we’ll start that tomorrow”, “I’m never going to be able to…..”, “I just need to be …….. first, and then I can do it”.

Listen to what your Inner Critic is saying to you. Without judgement. Just notice.

There are many ways to tackle your Inner Critic. As a life coach I’ll share a few I use but first I can’t stress enough that you need to first be aware of your Inner Critic, and know it is not telling you the truth. I have never had a coaching client that didn’t have their Inner Critic come up repeatedly in a coaching session and the client was totally unaware of it.

Once you are aware of your Inner Critic you take back your power from it and, more importantly, get to the truth.

Here’s how:

Firstly, you can thank and soothe your Inner Critic. Tell it you appreciate it trying to keep you safe but that “you got this”.

Secondly, you can look for the 5% truth in what it is saying. Ditch the part that is fear based and listen for that 5% wisdom, for example if it’s telling you that you have no idea what is involved in getting the promotion so don’t even try, you can pull out the wisdom that you have learning to do AND go for that promotion.

Thirdly, you can repeat what your Inner Critic says and respond. For example: “I notice you (Inner Critic) are saying I should eat the cake, and that it won’t make a difference in the long run. I made a commitment to myself and my actions DO matter in getting the results I want. Thanks, but no thanks to the cake.”

There are many ways to deal with the Inner Critic but I CANNOT STRESS ENOUGH, you must be aware of it first.

So, get to work on dealing with yours and step out from under its protective dome. You know there’s something you’ve been waiting to go after. Go for it.

Hugs, Vicky xxxx

i don’t know how to help you

Now I’ll add a bit of grammar (don’t message me if I get it wrong :)).

“I don’t know!!”
How to help you……

Coaching clients commonly answer “I don’t know” to my questions. When I dig deeper 98% of the time they TOTALLY DO KNOW. So what prompts this answer which stops the learning?

It is the easiest answer to give.

They are not being lazy or flippant. Their brains are doing what they are supposed to do – take the easiest path. With all the millions of decisions your brain is making every day which don’t require your conscious effort, it will absolutely try and avoid the deep thinking.

I don’t let that brain get away with short cutting, because getting a client to discover their own answers is incredibly powerful work.

Do you want to learn how to coach yourself to avoid giving yourself the “I don’t know answer?”

It takes practice and dedication because NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) is a fact, you will follow the path most travelled, which means it’s easy to fall back into old habits.

The answer is actually quite simple, it’s the implementation that is more difficult.

Ask yourself better questions.

As a coach I’m trained to ask questions, but alone in my head I still sometimes ask dead end questions.

Why do you let that person talk to you/treat you like that?

It is way too easy to answer “I don’t know”, resolve to do better next time and move on. Hey, I’m very efficiently moving away from the discomfort of the WHOLE situation. Crafty move, yes?

How likely do you think there will be a repeat of being spoken to or treat badly?

What if you did know why you let that person treat you like that? Or what would be your best guess as to why?

These are extremely simple follow up questions to “I don’t know” and they are extremely effective. The client, in this case yourself, realizes that they aren’t getting off the hook and look a little deeper, almost always coming up with an answer, something that they can work on.

We let ourselves off the hook a lot. And that’s OK when it’s not important. When it is important, when something is having a negative affect on our lives, it is in our best interest to get the answers which allow us to move forward.

How to make a Dream Board Wallpaper for your Computer

I have wanted to make a vision board for years. Countless people have sworn to the value of it and the incredible results they have received for having gone through the process of creating it and putting it in a place they can see it often.

Who wouldn’t want their dreams to come true?!? So why did it take so long for me to do?

Because the idea of making a dream / vision board felt like a lot of work.

Leafing through magazines. Cutting out inspiring images, quotes and words and hoping they match up enough to my dreams, which incidentally, I wasn’t too sure of either because I hadn’t spared it too much thought.

Once I put some time and effort into my hopes and dreams I saw what an exciting future I could have.

As the saying goes, “time will pass anyway”, so I may as well give it some direction.

I thought of making a Dream Board in Pinterest but I won’t look at it everyday, which is when I decided to make the wallpaper on my computer screen my Dream Board. Perfect.

screen

Extra bonus here is that I get the images online which means I can find exactly what I’m looking for.

If you are not familiar with Picmonkey or want a refresher then try squishing my nose with your curser below and watch the video to see how I created my Dream Board Wallpaper for my computer. And below the video is a PDF printable you can sign up for which includes a worksheet with prompts for getting your dreams out of your head and on to paper.

Click Here to Get PDF and Worksheet

I would LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to see your dream boards, please come and share them in the Facebook group.

Until then, hugs, Vicky xx

Will You Answer the Door?

Take time to dream. Dream big. Dream often.

But don’t leave it at that. You must go beyond where most others turn back.

Once you have a dream, there will come a knock on the door.

Should you choose to answer this knock, it won’t be your dream sitting nicely packaged there on the step, no, it will be your “Dream Project Manager”, waiting and ready for action.

I think it is important to keep you dream consistently in sight. It’s like when you are thinking of buying a new car. All of a sudden you notice all the car commercials on TV, on bus shelters, in the newspaper, EVERYWHERE. Have they always been there? Yes, it just wasn’t relevant to you until now.

If you keep your dreams top of mind you’ll start to see opportunities to go after them. So, put them on a board or write them out and carry in your purse or simply commit to going through the vision daily in your mind. I believe the vision will help you stay on track and remind you why you need to stick with your “Dream Project Manager”, because what comes next may not be pretty.

Your Dream Project Manager is gonna make you work.

Dream Project Mgr small

Your Dream Project Manager will need you to get out of your comfort zone.

This is why we are not all “living the dream”. It takes effort to break the magnetic pull of our comfort zones. We get to the outer edge of that comfort zone and feel the resistance.

It is a conscious choice EVERY TIME we feel that resistance. Do we push through?

Or do we go back to our comfort zone?

I personally don’t know anyone who hasn’t gone back to their comfort zones. We’ve ALL done it. We’ve all given up on something.

And we’ve all experienced pushing through our resistance.

What feels second nature to you today was once a huge deal. When you booked your first vacation for yourself, when you got your first job, when you purchased a home or started a family, you likely had to learn a lot and move way out of your comfort zone.

Now it’s time to claim the dreams that are special to you.

And it’s time to do the work.

You’ve worked hard for everyone else. Now it’s time to put your attention on yourself and do this work for you.

Do this once and you will feel more confident dreaming bigger in the future.

You will no longer dread the knock at the door.

Aaaaannnndddd, I’ve made you the printable pictured above. Yaaaay.

Click Here to Get Printable

Put your thoughts on paper. Pretty it up with pictures, colours, whatever works for you. Make it relevant for you. Get prepared to do the work.

As always, I’d love to hear how you are getting on. Get in touch with me and come join in the facebook group.

Hugs, Vicky xx

Welcome to Hollywood. What’s your dream?

Now, you are all my peeps so I’m counting on you to know where that title quote came from.

Kicking off our month of dreams and desires starts with getting acquainted with our dreams and desires. How often do you have this juicy conversation. With yourself? With your partner? With family or friends? In fact you may be more likely to tell your hairdresser of your dreams because it feels safer.

So, what’s with that? Is it because your hairdresser won’t pass judgment on your dreams? Or check in on you every time they see you? Is it because you don’t feel you’ll have to follow through, as if the hairdresser really cares?

Hmmmmm. What is it with playing the dreams and desires card close to our chests?

Sometimes it’s because we’ve lost touch with our dreams.

In getting through our daily and weekly tasks we don’t put time aside for such a frivolous idea as daydreaming.

It has almost become a badge of motherly honour to give up your dreams when you start a family so you can help them pursue theirs.

And you were hypnotized by that way of thinking for a while, just like I was. But we’re emerging, before it’s too late. We aren’t waiting for retirement.

We are the role models who are 100% there for our families AND 100% there for ourselves too.

Soooooo……

WHAT’S YOUR DREAM?

If you are still struggling with that quote it’s from Pretty Woman. Such a classic. Must watch it with my 14 year old – although I will be seriously a little heart broken if she doesn’t love it like I do.

pretty woman
(Picture found on http://www.cnn.com/2015/03/21/entertainment/pretty-woman-movie-anniversary-feat/)

Anyways, back to our dreams.

I……you guessed it…….made a little printable, see below. On the printable I’ve broken life down into 9 sections. They may not apply to you perfectly so please, change as needed.

Be curious. Be inspired. Be courageous.

This is for you. Nobody is going to make you do anything you don’t want to do, so feel safe in truly exploring some new and maybe even wild idea’s.

Don’t scoff at your dreams. Don’t talk yourself out of them.

This week is SOLELY about exploring your dreams and desires. Feel them and enjoy.

Dream On!!!!

Click Here to Get Printable

This Book Helped my Self-Awareness

My perspectives have changed so much over the last 5 years. I like myself soooo much more now. At least as much as I liked myself at 10 years old. It was downhill from there.

And I have good ol’ self-awareness to thank for this new self-lovin’.

Having picked up a love for reading later in life (don’t tell this to my kids, they must do as I say, not as I did ;)) I was stunned that I’d be so affected by a book. This book – The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.

Four Agreements 800x800

2 of the agreements are pretty standard.

Be Impeccable With Your Word
Always Do Your Best

It was the other 2 that we life altering for me.

Never Make Assumptions
Never Take Anything Personally

They’re so understated yet powerful.

So obvious that I thump my head wondering why I hadn’t thought of these before.

To never make assumptions often goes hand in hand with not taking anything personally.

How somebody behaves is all about them.

I personally can’t think of any exceptions on this.

There was one time when a woman almost reversed her car into my daughter. I bent my ring banging on her back window to stop her. Needless to say my emotions were running high. I shouted at her. I started repeating myself in my rant before I ran out of emotion and let her go. I kept it clean, my kid was watching, but even without profanity, shouting just made me scary to her, not necessarily heard and understood.

Had I said to her, more calmly, “you came too close to hurting my daughter, and scared the living daylight out of me” she would have undoubtedly been mortified and apologetic. She would never wish to hurt anyone. She would have been able to respond from feeling my fear and not from fearing me.

Neither scenario gets her off the hook of her own personal responsibility. She is in charge of a great big hunk of metal that can be lethal. She MUST be careful, ESPECIALLY around a school. There is nobody else to blame for her mistake. How I responded to her mistake is the part that is not to be taken personally. Those were my emotions and I could have responded a million different ways.

The fact that I lost my best friend at age 10 to getting hit by a car has made me that crazy parent that screamed at her children in parking lots for being more that 2 feet away from me. I have relaxed on that a little as my kids are now ages 9 – 14 and would never go out with me in public again if I didn’t get a grip on that. But other people in those parking lots (I’m probably notorious in a few) may have made assumptions of what life might be like at home for my kids. “Poor kids with a mother that bellows at them like that”. Which would be a horribly wrong assumption. Just a mother who has a story that makes her a tad crazy in this one situation

So how does this tie in with self-awareness? Because, as well intentioned as we may be, we will still take things personally and we will still make assumptions. And we will slip on being impeccable with our word and we won’t always do our best.

However, as I like to say, when you know better you do better. And now you’ve had these gems brought to the forefront of your attention (and by the way, I love you for reading this far), when you do fall off the band wagon there are gold nuggets of information there.

Where do you still make assumptions?

What do you repeatedly take personally?

What causes the slip in impeccability?

How are you falling short of doing your best?

Aaaaaand I’ve made you a printable. Aaaaand I’ll send you a copy of my own real life examples on there in case you need a prompt.

Download it below and as always feel free to get in touch with me. And we’d love to see you in the facebook group.

Click Here to Get Printables

Katy Perry Spoke to me About Self-Awareness

And in “spoke to me” I mean through her music.

Could you imagine……Katy Perry on speed dial. “Hey Katy, you don’t seem too busy right now, tell me, what are your thoughts on self-awareness?”

And she’d say, “Vicky, my main girl, are you not hearing my message in my song?”

And then I’d say “oh, you mean this one…..”

Self-aware3-Katy Perry “Thanks Katy. Talk to you later.” If I were texting I would just say “TTYL” but this is a conversation so let’s keep it real, yes?

Anyhooo, I LOVE this message. It so beautifully states that if we are not solid in knowing ourselves and what we stand for, we can so easily be carried along with a crowd, or one dominant person.

There are great leaders all around us, ones that are worthy of following. What we need to be clear on is when not to follow. By checking in with our own values.

It’s easy to know we shouldn’t join the hate campaign on another woman just because our friend / boss / colleague is upset with her. But the lines are often more blurred than that.

Let’s imagine, your office / group / organization is wanting everyone to join their fundraiser – run a half marathon to save the rainforest and the millions of animals being left with little chance of survival. A very worthy cause, no doubt.

Meanwhile, you rush past the homeless person sleeping on a subway grate for warmth EVERY morning because it hurts your heart to think of their suffering.

Do you “sit quietly, agree politely”? Or make a “choice” to suggest that you raise money for blankets and hot meals for people living without a home in the cold months. This may not be a cause close to your heart, but when you put your attention on what matters to you, you will stir up something you could sink your teeth into.

Katy has another genius line;

I went from zero, to my own hero.

And we don’t all need to be trailblazers and save the world. It’s often hard enough just saving the day for the people in our lives now.

The message I really wanted to get across was that self-awareness will save you time, energy and regrets. You’ll feel so much more fulfilled in 10 years time if you have been making choices based on what matters to you and you truly want to take a stand for.

I personally think this is a big, juicy, worthwhile topic and as always, feel free to get in touch with any questions or comments and also pop by the facebook group.

Until next time. Hugs.

Vicky x

Who are you when you are alone?

Blog image-who are you when alone

In the theme of self-awareness being alone is an important step to having the space to be introspective and figure yourself out.

For me, the thought of being alone brings up mixed feelings. To get a whole day to myself feels so foreign to me now that I would have a hard time knowing what to do with myself.

My kids are older and they aren’t attached to my side but they’ll soon let their presence known when it’s time to eat, or get dropped off somewhere. And in the lulls, when there’s nothing to be done for the house or family, I have NO IDEA what I will do for me. It’s like all possibilities come to me at once and I’m paralyzed by choice. I wander, confused, around the house. I want to squeeze every drop of goodness out of this time……but doing what?!?

If I were being self-aware I’d tune in to the fact that 50% of my book purchases recently have been cook books. Do I want to cook something fancy? Or I could pay attention to my body. Am I craving movement or stillness? A walk or curl up with a book? Find something mentally stimulating or grab a colouring book? I have A LOT of choices.

And who are you?

When you take away the identities given to you – wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, insert job title, what do you identify with?

Are you playful? Goofy? Nerdy? Nature loving? City slicking? Stationary addicted? Animal enthusiast? Yogi? Soulful? Spiritual? Level headed? Logical? Emotional? Honest to a fault? Artistic? Creative? Mathematical? A Leader? An activist? A contributor? The list is endless (thankfully, because I personally LOVE how different you are – it makes you VERY interesting to be with and talk to).

And how often do we get to talk about who we really are? We get wrapped up in general conversation more often than deep talk.

What really makes you tick? What gives you energy? What gets you excited?

We recently did a plan for 2016. If you filled it out I want you to revisit that plan AFTER you consider who you are. Truly and deeply. You may find that your direction doesn’t fully align with what you are discovering about yourself.

Take time to check in with your values. Are they being honoured in your life?

If you value family, are you making time and prioritizing them?

If you value learning, how are you keeping your mind busy?

In studying to become a coach I was taken through a values exercise and re-affirmed that I value respect for self and for others and fairness. I didn’t realize how strongly I felt about it. Once I acknowledged it, I could no longer ignore it and changed the way I behave. Instead of being triggered and getting angry, I suddenly had understanding and could communicate what I needed instead.

I also discovered how important adventure was for me. It explains a sense of restlessness when I don’t have any new experiences for a while. Believe me, this is good information to know about myself.

Some values are obvious, like honesty (I hope) and security. And some are a little more hidden like Originality, Accountability, Reliability, Tolerance.

When you see your values are getting stepped on / not honoured / dis-respected, then you are in a position of power and can choose how to handle the situation, instead of being grumpy for seemingly no good reason.

If you consider walking in the trail to be natures medicine but are filling your time up in the city, you could go a long time, not understanding your lack lustre feelings for the weekend, and begin to resent your plans and appear unreasonable. A simple fix would be to schedule time to honour your value of nature.

So, I’ll ask you again, who are you when you are alone?

Try the values exercises, get access below (you will get this automatically if you have already joined the Year of Growth).
Values Exercises – Yes Please

Review of 2015

This year the term Morning Pages kept coming up. I checked it out and thought it would be a fantastic process for me because I’m an over thinker and I have a ton of scattered thoughts, seemingly in every waking moment. So, the idea of writing for 3 full pages, with no other purpose than to get what is in your head out of your head so you can look back and pick out the gold, got my attention.

And then it lost my attention. Who has time in the morning to write for 3 full size pages? And I know I could make time. But I didn’t.

But I do see the value in picking out the gold.

So, I made a “Review of 2015”. And I filled it in. And I got so much out of it.

I didn’t write down resolutions or goals for 2015 (changing this for 2016) but I know what I was hoping and aiming for all year.

Here’s my Review of 2015. (to see a better copy click on the picture)

In the middle of the page I wrote out the most important areas of my life right now and started acknowledging my successes.

And I made space for where I fell short. It’s important to accept and to understand this part. And to take full ownership for it. You can only get the learning from it if you are truly honest and take responsibility. Once I’ve done this I can later decide if it’s still important enough to put back on the goals list for 2016 (watch out for the next post).

And I made it for you too. It’s simple and extremely effective. Download your free copy below.

In comparing this years review to last years, here are the comparables:

Everyone is still staying active. Mindset is huge in sports and remains the biggest roadblock to success in at least 3 out of 5 of us.

Our new experiences this year were trips and camps and mountains and volunteering. It feels like we were able to keep up a good variety.

Last year I had a minor infatuation with Paint Nite. This year my walls are getting a breather from the amateur art I was creating and instead we’ve been enjoying the new (in Canada anyway) trend of Escape Rooms. Being a detective in themed rooms, figuring out clues to advance to new rooms and hopefully escape before time’s up really was fun. It was nice to do something different. Until it wasn’t different anymore, so now we’re taking a break from it.

I turned 41.

I still never dropped that elusive last 10lbs. Even while training for a 50km trail race – so annoying to have a talent in weight retention.

Self care was still pretty rubbish but I’m making a push for success this month, I’ll be having my second facial in 2 months, which I was desperate for as my skin was in awful condition, and I’ll be heading to the hairdressers. The massage will have to wait until the new year.

Our social life isn’t awful. Still not as rocking as the kids’. Will put it on my goal for 2016 to do better spending time with people we want to spend time with.

I think my biggest learning of the year is to be aware. You cannot improve what you are not aware of. Sure, once you know there’s something that isn’t working it takes effort to put it right but once you get that ball rolling it gets easier. I’m enjoying the benefit of being aware and making changes.

Now it’s your turn. Put your attention on 2015 and get ready for a Super Sweet ’16.

Get your Review of 2015 HERE

Vicky x

Previous 1 2 3 Next