March 2016 – Vicky Burnett

Month: March 2016

i don’t know how to help you

Now I’ll add a bit of grammar (don’t message me if I get it wrong :)).

“I don’t know!!”
How to help you……

Coaching clients commonly answer “I don’t know” to my questions. When I dig deeper 98% of the time they TOTALLY DO KNOW. So what prompts this answer which stops the learning?

It is the easiest answer to give.

They are not being lazy or flippant. Their brains are doing what they are supposed to do – take the easiest path. With all the millions of decisions your brain is making every day which don’t require your conscious effort, it will absolutely try and avoid the deep thinking.

I don’t let that brain get away with short cutting, because getting a client to discover their own answers is incredibly powerful work.

Do you want to learn how to coach yourself to avoid giving yourself the “I don’t know answer?”

It takes practice and dedication because NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) is a fact, you will follow the path most travelled, which means it’s easy to fall back into old habits.

The answer is actually quite simple, it’s the implementation that is more difficult.

Ask yourself better questions.

As a coach I’m trained to ask questions, but alone in my head I still sometimes ask dead end questions.

Why do you let that person talk to you/treat you like that?

It is way too easy to answer “I don’t know”, resolve to do better next time and move on. Hey, I’m very efficiently moving away from the discomfort of the WHOLE situation. Crafty move, yes?

How likely do you think there will be a repeat of being spoken to or treat badly?

What if you did know why you let that person treat you like that? Or what would be your best guess as to why?

These are extremely simple follow up questions to “I don’t know” and they are extremely effective. The client, in this case yourself, realizes that they aren’t getting off the hook and look a little deeper, almost always coming up with an answer, something that they can work on.

We let ourselves off the hook a lot. And that’s OK when it’s not important. When it is important, when something is having a negative affect on our lives, it is in our best interest to get the answers which allow us to move forward.

When Girl Groups Are Bad

Bullying is not always as clear cut as one person shoving another into the lockers. Or one screaming and publicly cussing out another. Bullying is often not visible to outsiders. Even if a teacher suspected destructive behaviour, they have limited resources when it comes to Girl Groups.

How do you even know the extent of destruction within a girl group if everything from the outside looks friendly and tightly meshed.

How would an adult begin to break down such a group when those girls will band together so tightly against outside attack?

Well this adult, me, knew what to do when she suspected her daughter was going up against the same monster. And the reason I could help is because I know it so well having experienced it for myself.

Before we got to high school we were bike riding, den building, dance choreographing pre-teens, not nearly equipped for our first year of high school.

I remember within the first days of high school my best friend coming up to me telling me she’d met these really great girls. They looked unfazed by high school, they knew older kids, they were confident and one even smoked. Although we hadn’t had our heads flushed down toilets yet, as we had been previously warned, there seemed some safety hanging out with these girls.

The group quickly formed to 6 of us. 4 of us came from one middle school, the other 2 from a different middle school. The other 2 would become the “leader” and “sidekick” of our group.

To start it was exciting. We’d be meeting up on weekends and then weekend nights. Soon there was 4 of us smoking and shortly after that we were buying bottles of wine to go to parties with.

Who knows when the group dynamics really started to set in. I suspect the games and manipulation started on day one.

The group had its “leader” (from now on lovingly referred to as L) and the leader had a trusty “sidekick” (we’ll call her SK). The other 4 of us were basically pawns.

One day there was a seemingly harmless joke made by L or SK about one of the girls. L laughs, SK laughs. The target of the joke laughs. The others laugh, I laugh. Maybe I laughed loudest that day and that earned me some extra attention. I have to admit it felt pretty good with L linking one arm and SK linking the other and them laughing with me like everything I say is “the best”. And that’s how the rest of the day would play out. I’d be the centre of attention and even the other 3 would fall in and find me hilarious. It was awesome.

The next day as I’d approach the group I could sense immediately a shift. Ready to be as entertaining and amazing as I was the day before I confidently struck up a conversation to be suddenly shot down and ridiculed, in front of everyone. What?!? What did I say? I don’t get it. The proverbial rug had been well and truly pulled from under my feet. What had I done?

I tried to gather intel from who I thought were my allies and figure out what I had done wrong but they reflected the frostiness of L and SK. I was well and truly OUT. And I’d spend the rest of the day trying to gain back some level of inclusion.

So, the next day, with my head hung a little lower than before I approach the group wondering what I will do today to try and get back in the good books. Immediately I am greeted enthusiastically. I am back IN. And I’m quickly encouraged to get on the bandwagon of freezing out one of the other 3 girls. I guiltily oblige.

At the relief of being out of the firing zone I have taken my first step in agreement of being able to make another girl feel like crap. Although it never feels right or good it does feel easier each time to ignore the feelings of this not being right because the feeling of being included does feel right and necessary to my well being.

Being on the OUT of the group means being within proximity of the group but knowing embarrassingly that you are not being included and that at any moment they may publicly humiliate you, or make you do something dumb, or just use you as entertainment by making fun of you and picking at everything you do.

So, why stay?

I stuck with the group for the better part of a school year. It felt so much longer. It was confusing and confusion is great at keeping you stuck.

How did I get here? Who are my real friends? Am I a bad person now? What did they mean by that? Is there something wrong with me? Nope, all is good today.

Eventually I could no longer handle the emotional roller coaster. Feeling humiliated and not knowing where I stood one day to the next had had its day.

A HUGE act of courage would have been to just leave the group by myself and figure out my next move as it happened. I didn’t do that but I do believe my next move was still very courageous for a 14 year old.

I trusted one of the other girls. I spilled my guts on how I was feeling and that I couldn’t stay like that. Would she leave the group with me?

I held my breath because everything I’d just said to her was “gold” in getting her up the ranks in the group and would definitely gain her a place on top for a week or more. And my life would have been hell.

She was as upset as me. We risked social annihilation and public humiliation and chose to leave the group anyway.

Our exit was thankfully anti-climactic but what it left me with was a knowing that I could stand up for myself and that people are not allowed to treat me like that. A life lesson that would serve me well always.

In addition to that I took responsibility for how I acted. L and SK played a masterful game but could not have executed without willing participants. I could not change the past but I could behave better in the future. I had created this particular result and I could create a better result for myself in the future.

So, when my daughter had the exact same experience I was able to fast track her understanding by firstly making her aware – taking her out of the confusion and self loathing – so she could decide for herself when she had had enough.

She took the same risk as me by confiding in one of the other girls. My daughter said the other girl was so relieved to hear that my daughter was going through the same thing. Together they decided to be united and ultimately left the group.

Their exit was not without drama and so the school got involved but not without some insistence. The Principal wanted to see the “drama” blow over.

I was upset for my daughter had to go through but felt no ill will to her L and SK.

L has leadership skills, SK has support skills. In “girl world” these could be a huge asset. Girls could definitely use the extra boosts to live bigger and bolder lives.

Unfortunately when fear raises it’s ugly head it can make good leaders in to fear driven mean leaders.

I’m sure my L and SK had a change in direction with some life experience behind them.

With a spotlight on mean moms social engineering their daughters lives it would seem that some mean girls grow into mean moms. Their intention may be to help their daughter avoid what they went through but acting with a fear mentality will never get us to a better place.

Kindness and inclusion are simple in theory but just like honesty take commitment, especially when you may risk your own popularity to honour it.

Girl groups can also be fantastic. And I have had that experience too. And there is just as much to learn from having great friends as there is from a not so great experience.

To all the good girlfriends out there. Keep up the great work and keep supporting each other.

Hugs, Vicky xx

Never miss a post again. Join us in our free program, a Year of Growth. Aprils topic is about the Inner Critic – that pesky voice in your head that talks you out of going for what you want.
Click Here to Join

How To Keep Going Without Positive Thinking and Motivation

You are committed. You are ready. You are getting courageous and leaving your comfort zone. But wait!!! Your positive thinking and motivation is already starting to wane. What now?

My husband likes to run 100 miles (160 kms) at a time. He is an ultra-marathoner.

After months of training he lines up at the starting line nervous, excited and ready to run. His thoughts are positive and he is motivated. Very motivated.

Over the next 20 or more hours he will run the gamut of thoughts and feelings. He will be mentally and physically tested.

When every part of his body hurts, from exhaustion, blisters, chaffing and more exhaustion, there is no positive talk. There is NO talk. So what keeps him going? With many miles to go, the finish line is un-motivatingly far away.

As we sat in a racer and crew meeting in the beautiful town of Leadville, Colorado, prior to the 100 mile Leadville race last August, the organizers gave a pep talk. As an experienced ultra runner himself he shared his wisdom with a room of 600 rookie and experienced runners, of which only half would finish this gruelling race over 6 mountain peaks.

He encouraged the runners to keep close to mind why you came to run this race, because:

MOTIVATION WILL DESERT YOU

So, what WILL get you there?

PASSION. PURPOSE. VALUES.

It is what you feel at your core that will get you to your finish line. It is what is truly important to you that will fuel you. Motivation will return when you keep these thoughts and feelings close to hand.

Let’s look at this another way.

You have a plan. You are putting your health first. You are tired of feeling tired and wish to be active and healthy now and still be going strong beyond your 70’s. You will eat better and exercise regularly.

On this particular day you find yourself tired after a day of work. It’s cold / rainy / dark outside. Your couch and Netflix are winking you over and telling you to bring a glass of wine because you’ve had a long day. You pause, silent for a moment, waiting for motivation to call you in the other direction. What!?! Where is motivation when you need it? You’d even settle for a morsel of it’s energy right now. You neeeeed that morsel!!!!

Pep talks, motivational quotes and positive thinking are all great tools, however, they are quick fixes. They may get you to the gym once or twice after a wink from the couch, but ultimately, with this as your primary solution, your couch will get to see more of you than it deserves.

If your goal is to ditch 10lbs fast then relying on quick fixes may get you there, however, how many times do we hear of people putting back on the weight, and more?

If you have made a mindful decision to honour your values of active living, treating your body with the respect it deserves and learning to nourish your body with whole foods then you have very deep reasons to fall back on when motivation deserts you and positive thoughts weren’t even present when you stepped out of bed this morning, never mind now at the end of the day! When you are connected to your values and purpose you live every day following them and the goal becomes a directional beacon and not the ultimate and only show of success.

Whether your goals are BIG;

To end hunger in your country. That may or may not ever happen in your lifetime. However, living by your value of helping people feed themselves can be lived EVERY day. Even if from behind a computer screen by showing people how to stretch a dollar to feed their family.

Or your goal is “seemingly” small;

To get your family to the dinner table, all together, without any devices so you can talk. Again, maybe not in your lifetime ;-). However, if your value is connection you may be able to engage the family by asking advise on the newest Apps / music / best Instagram feeds for fashion / etc.

Living daily your purpose, passion and values is what brings the motivation back to help you keep moving in the right direction.

As for positive thinking, I think it’s a “nice to have” not a “must have”. Don’t get into more judgement because it’s been M.I.A for a bit.

Do your best to stay motivated and take it one step at a time.

Hugs Vicky xxx

5 Benefits of Leaving Your Comfort Zone

The comfort zone – a beautiful thing – or is it?

I shouldn’t need to say much about the comfort zone. It’s an extremely familiar place for us all. However, we are not always a self-aware bunch so a few pointers may get us inspired.

Firstly the definition of Comfort Zone:

A place or situation when one feels safe or at ease and without stress.

It does sound great. And suspiciously like a vacation. My experience is that comfort zone living does not guarantee ease and lack of stress. So, where’s the benefit?

Comfort zone living to me means that you have a set of routines and beliefs and behaviours that keep you within a bubble which you have set up to be as protective as possible.

As we begin to understand that getting out of our comfort zone is nothing more than stepping over limits that we set ourselves, let’s look at those 5 benefits of doing so.

Growth – because you haven’t done growing yet.

Nothing grows in a Comfort Zone. Homeostasis is a weed in this garden stopping any new seeds from being planted. Life grows where attention flows (I just hacked a perfectly good Wayne Dyer quote to try and metaphor this up for you – 3 in a row, are we done you ask). Ok, no more metaphors – maybe.

You get to decide what direction you are heading.

Even in your comfort zone you cannot control the people, circumstances and events that will undoubtedly happen. “Going with the flow” sounds very chill, until you realize (if you are lucky) way down the river that this wasn’t the way you wanted to go or the place you wanted to end up. When you finally ask “how did I get here?” you will have wished you’d taken control of your own direction long ago. Again, I stress “if you are lucky”, as some people won’t come to this realization until they truly are too old to make a difference, which is actually a sneaky way of still staying in your comfort zone, however, now you are keeping company with “regret”.

You will be able to set goals and achieve them.

When you are firmly entrenched in your comfort zone you will either give up on dreams and goals at the first sign of difficulty or you will set easy to obtain goals which don’t make you go any further than skirting the outside of your comfort zone. With a little preparation (which we will cover next time) you will feel fear (unavoidable), you will feel resistance (now we know it’s important) and you will go ahead anyway because you are deeply connected to why you are getting this uncomfortable in the first place.

You will have a new found confidence.

In 1993 at the age of 18 I decided to go to France instead of University. My French was not great and I knew NOBODY. I lived with a family as their au-pair. I was a status symbol as they owned restaurants and didn’t actually put in too many hours. So, their kids were nightmares because with mom and dad at home they felt they didn’t have to listen to the “au-pair”. I spent every evening in my room. I tried to spend time with the parents but they ignored me. I had to be creative and resourceful in order to meet people and be social. I did make friends and we would take our only day off and visit places like Monaco and Cannes. We would stay out all night and catch morning buses back to our jobs. To say I was out of my comfort zone was an understatement. To say I learned A LOT about myself and grew my confidence in my own capabilities is also an understatement. It was the best of times and the worst of times. My memories are still so strong, 23 years later, and nostalgic of France and the experiences I had and also I remember the sting of feeling like a second class citizen – just the help – almost invisible. LIFE LESSONS GALORE!!!! And it had me poised and ready to leap when a really fantastic guy came to England, where I’m originally from, swept me off my feet and asked me to move to Canada with him. We have been married 19 amazing years and I truly believe the confidence I gained from my time in France made my decision to come to Canada not an impossible decision.

You will have new things to talk about.

I don’t know about you, but at this stage in my life I am bored of shallow conversation. I have been many places where the office / group culture has become to complain and gossip. Now imagine a place where people were making conscious efforts to get out of their comfort zones somewhere in their life. They may ask for advice (who doesn’t love giving their advice?!?) Or seek idea’s and encouragement. Making a change in yourself will have a ripple effect on everything around you. Pay attention, you may get to love this new energy.

And getting out of your comfort zone doesn’t have to mean a forward leap. Sometimes it actually means staying put. Not bolting at the first sign of negative feelings or discomfort. There is a lot of growing and learning in staying put.

I have trained myself to recognize my “zone outs”, like Facebook, food and Netflix. This is step one. Step one took work (because there are actually more like 30 zone outs) but now it comes more naturally. Step two – I don’t like step two – but I’m making myself go back to where I was before the zone out. Aaaaannndddd I’m still figuring out step three. But let me tell you, this alone is changing my life.

So, in finishing off, I’d like to add, I don’t believe in constantly living outside of your comfort zone but I do think it is a muscle that is in need of regular exercise. And by regular, your Life Coach Vicky is recommending daily.

And you will have a chance to practise this later in March when we do the 10-day challenge – whoop, whoop.

Let me know in the comments or in the Facebook group what you want to know about Courage & Comfort Zones and I will make a blog post with the answers.

This is important work and you are worth it.

Hugs, Vicky x

Make sure you don’t miss any future posts like this by signing up for our free program “Year of Growth”. Find out more about it here or sign up below.

Click Here to Subscribe