belief system

What You Think Matters

What do you think about swimming in a deep dark lake?

The water is cool and refreshing. It’s deep so the “seaweed” is a long way down, but it’s down there. The snapping turtles tend to stay by the docks but the 3′ long Muskie with their razor sharp teeth that slant to the backs of their mouths so they hook what they bite swim freely.

When I describe the lake like that I’m surprised any of us get into it, but we do. Hours of fun swimming and tubing off the back of the boat.

My 10 and almost 12 years old are competitive swimmers. It’s off season but on Monday they wanted to get a workout done. We were at the cottage so their only option was the lake.

Stay with me, there’s a thinking trick we will all benefit from.

So, off we peddled on the paddle boat to a “safe” spot about 100′ from shore where the weeds were too deep to be seen. After some nervous chatter and a count down they were in.

I’m so impressed, they’re off and I’m starting to feel a little panicked because I want to keep the paddle boat right up beside them because a) my babies are in the lake without their life jackets on, and did I mention the lake is deep and dark, and b) there are other boats on the lake and swimmers are practically invisible to them, but they’re really fast.

Lake Swim

So, I’m peddling like mad, sweat starting to form on my brow and run down my back, my legs are burning and I’m swaying my body back and forth just to try and get some power behind my failing legs, when all of a sudden they stop.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Hang on, what happened to the workout? These kids do anywhere from 2000m to 7000m daily and we’ve gone about 20 strokes.

I’m going somewhere with this, I promise.

Last year our one daughter won a race across this. same. lake. And we got to keep the trophy for a whole year as proof!! So, what’s holding her back now?

She said it was different, because there were lots of other people doing the race too.

Here’s where I get excited – there’s a teachable moment here.

So, let’s fast forward past all the stopping, starting, negotiating, complaining, panting, sweating, muttering, cursing……and the kids were doing some starting, stopping and negotiation of their own too.

On land I got out some paper and pens and got to work on having them question their thinking.

Firstly they acknowledged they didn’t meet their goal of getting a good swim workout done. I then broke it down into questions for them.

What actions did you take that got you this result?

What feelings caused these actions?

What thoughts caused these feelings?

So now they were examining what happened and what got them there. The result they got was starting and stopping and ultimately giving up on their workout. The feelings that caused their actions were fear – of what was in the water. The thoughts they were having was that something might touch them and then they’d panic.

The next set of questions were:

What is a more helpful thought you could have?

How will this help you achieve a better result next time?

When we get off autopilot, our brains reeeeeaaallllly like autopilot by the way, we can be aware of our thoughts and – here’s the great part – change them!!!

I use this technique so much now.

So, next time you aren’t getting the results you want, work it backwards:

What ACTIONS are you taking?

What FEELINGS are behind the actions (or lack of actions)?

What THOUGHTS are causing those feelings?

The deeper you can go and the more honest you can be with yourself the more gold you will find. And when you know better, you can do better.

Give it a try (or 10), you are worth it.

Hugs, Vicky xx

20 Weeks To Reach Your Goals of 2016

That’s loads of time, right?!?

Well, let’s first take a look at how the first 32 weeks of the year went. Have you been knocking off your goal milestones fairly consistently? I know I………..HAVE NOT.

And for all of you out there who are more like me than super star all round achievers then here’s my take on what we can be doing better.

First things first:

Be clear on WHAT you want and WHY you want it.

Also: Be clear on what YOU want and why YOU want it. Subtle but important difference.

We cannot miss this first step, figuratively or metaphorically, or else we will face plant.

And not as cutely as these boys!!

Secondly:

Write that gold down and look at it often – like reeaaalllly often.

This is where I take the first face plant. I believe that “in my head” is good enough. But nooooooo, because everyday life commands our attention and those wonderful goals with promises of a different future that were made just a few short days, weeks, months ago fade into obscurity.

I don’t remember half of my New Years Resolutions but I do remember my big goal of the year was to get huge exposure for my coaching business. And for this introverted busy mom of 3 getting that exposure needs a DAILY kick up the bum. I need an “in my face” reminder every day as to why this is important to me and to keep the visualization strong of my end result.

Which leads to the third stage, and my second face plant:

Plan it. Plan it. Plan it.

Plan the big milestones or projects.

Plan the tasks that need to be done within each milestone or project.

Plan for what obstacles you might encounter.

I have resisted planning in a HUGE way. This is because of the up front time and focus it requires. Focus I find reeeaaalllllyyy hard to give.

What I have found really helpful over the last couple of years is having accountability. I have found accountability partners and groups that have truly helped me take leaps forward.

Aaaaandd, I’m feeling pretty jazzed about powering through the end of 2016 and crushing some goals!!

Are you with me?

I’m organizing a free challenge for the month of September (now complete) so we can all get into action and get some wonderful accountability.

You can make change in your life before the end of 2016.

Believe in yourself. You are worth it.

Hugs, Vicky xxxx

How to Get Control of Your Feelings

I have let feelings run me for the last couple of weeks. In this case, it was a bad idea.

Why a bad idea?

Because my thoughts were running the show, unsupervised, like a toddler with scissors, not meaning to cause harm but….

I’m not even talking about “big feelings”. I don’t have a major crisis going on right now. No. My feelings are small everyday ones and they have been a bit debilitating.

Feelings of tiredness, crankiness, doubt, overwhelm, “should do’s”, guilt, shame, avoidance, discouragement, all resulted in too much Facebook time (a.k.a numbing), no progress in my business, overeating, wanting to sleep more, being gossipy and believing myself when I excuse my behaviour and convince myself it is self care when I don’t get the work done, AGAIN.

A minor blip in my landscape, I get it, but it didn’t feel good and it took me away from being me, and from creating my future.

For the past few years I have been mindful of my thoughts and actions and it has been life changing. Prior to this change I suspect I spent months and maybe even years in a haze of indecisiveness and confusion, self inflicted, even self serving, but so stifling and little to no forward movement.

And so I have learned that feelings should not be left to their own devices. Unchallenged. Unexamined. No, no, no.

We need to be aware that it is our thoughts that cause our feelings.

It was 2 weeks of basically feeling “I’m not good enough to do this” which was caused by what I was thinking.

Thank goodness!!! Because my thoughts, I can do something about that!!

For the last 2 mornings I have returned to visioning and affirmations being the first things I do when I wake up. It replaces waking up and thinking “what do I need to do today? I don’t think there’s much point though.”

Only I am aware of the crazy insane mess that lives inside my head and only I am responsible for cleaning it up. Same goes for you and what’s going on inside your head.

Try it. Pick a negative feeling you have about a relative. I’m guessing you believe your feelings about this person is their fault and something they are doing.

Let’s imagine your mother-in-law makes snide comments about your parenting. Whatever you feel about that is coming from YOUR thinking. If you and I were in the exact same situation, we would both feel, and therefore act, differently about it.

You cannot control another person or guess what their thinking is behind their actions – that’s their own cleaning job, should they choose to accept it. Once you understand that it is your own thinking causing your feelings, you are “response-able” to change it. If you want to that is.

Sometimes we don’t want to change our thoughts because we want to be mad at them, but be aware that this is a thought and decision also.

When you do want to feel differently, you will have to think differently.

Easy peasy? Well……that depends how you think about it ;).

Do the work. You are worth it.

Hugs, Vicky xx

Make This Small Change and Watch How Your Day Gets Better

Blog2-May 12 It’s a small change. Not necessarily an easy change. What I’m suggesting you do is change your mind.

Your thoughts are what get you in to (or out of) trouble.

I got “coached” this morning by my teenager because the theme of the week in our house has been, “pay attention to what you are thinking”. When I made a suggestion to her she responded with “I was just doing that” then came “seriously”. Apparently the “seriously” was to her sister and not to me – likely story – so I was being reminded of my own words after I pulled her up on her rudeness. I’m not loving the teenage ability to spin a story to be unprovable!!!

I’ve been hearing a lot of negativity coming out of my girls recently. The other day it felt really personal when my youngest complained that I spend longer saying goodnight to her sister than I do with her. Ouch!! I immediately started thinking “I’m a bad mom, I’m damaging my child, she’s going to need a life coach of her own in a few years to move forward from “mommy issues”, am I really being neglectful?” The thing is, she wasn’t wrong.

Thankfully, on this particular night I wasn’t counting down the moments until I could face plant my pillow so I was able to give her a chance to look at how she was thinking.

Firstly, a little back story. Me and my youngest daughter (the one feeling duped at bedtime) spend A LOT of time together. We have 3 girls and they are all competitive swimmers. The 2 eldest swim at the same time, same pool. The youngest different times, different pools. So, my husband and I divide and conquer. I get to pick my youngest up from school, we do homework together, she helps me cook, we chat during our car rides (she’s at the pool 5 times a week), and I watch a good portion of her swimming once I’ve done my own runs.

So, I brought her attention to the fact that if she is focusing her thoughts on herself getting “less than”, she will find the evidence of this. Of course she will find it, we have 2 other children that need our attention also. I told her what I wanted her to try was having the thought of “my mom and dad are always there when I need or want them.”

I don’t expect her thoughts and behaviour to change immediately. This particular 10 year old won’t remember the conversation, never mind the new thought process, so it will take some reminders and variations for her to benefit from this new thought process. But if she nails it she will be looking for evidence of love and abundance, instead of lacking and “poor me”.

Another example I found on this recently was a conversation I was having with a friend. We were talking about only children. I am an only child, so when she shared her experience of feeling judged when people would question her choice of having “just one”, for a split second I bought in. Absolutely people judge. They may be thinking you are selfish, or that you have a hard time getting pregnant or you are a practical person who doesn’t have the financial means to support more than one child. Whatever anyone else thinks is related to their own stories and none of your business.

And often people are just curious. Like me. If I see a set of twins I have a ton of questions. No, I have no interest how they were conceived, but if I did, that might be because I was having issues getting pregnant myself. You just never know, and shouldn’t guess, someone else’s intentions.

For mothers that get upset by the questions about their choices I’d ask, what is the thought that you are having that is causing the bad feeling? And I don’t mean the thought of “mind your own effing business”. I’m talking about getting to the heart of the (grey) matter, where you have made something up to mean you are “less than”, “wrong” or “missing something”.

One child / 10 children / IVF / adoption / sperm banks…..whatever your choices are, stand behind them and answer curiosity with kindness. Sure you could run across someone who intends on making you feel wrong. And the sooner you get comfortable with the idea that they are feeding their own needs and it has nothing to do with you, the better.

So that small change? Yes, it can have BIG impact. Just as soon as you check in with your thoughts and pick something more useful to think when you are feeling like things aren’t going your way.

Do the work. Make yourself your priority. You’re worth it.

Hugs, Vicky xxx

What Do I Do When It Feels Like My Inner Critic Is Telling The Truth?

Sneaky little devil. That Inner Critic can be so smooth in its approach. When it tells you that you don’t have the time / money / qualifications it is just soooo easy to agree with it and go back to what you were doing.

I recently got an injury that took me out of a running race so I hesitantly decided to train for a triathlon this summer instead. I would love to say I’m a born athlete but if I’m honest this whole endeavor is vanity based. If I don’t have a race to train for I will absolutely, without a doubt, do NOTHING. And with the way I hock back food, doing nothing is a bad plan.

So, to get back into triathlon training, I have the run covered but I need to get back into the water and on a bike. I have had to battle my inner critic on these.

A few years ago my neighbours daughter had to teach me how to do front crawl, so you can imagine what thoughts come up when I think about getting in the water.

I also feel like a weak rider who would never ever consider taking a hand off my handle bars to take a drink, I grip those handle bars like my life depends on it. So, again, the inner critic asks me “what am I thinking going out on the roads with a bike?”

So, here’s what my inner critic has tried to throw at me so far:

You don’t have time to train in 3 sports. You look awful in a swimsuit. You’ll have to wear nose plugs and look silly. You should only go on your bike at 6am when no cars are around. You’ll probably fall off your bike at least once. You could get hit by a car. Is this really worth it? You’ll be last in the swim, it may not be worth it.

There are some legitimate concerns there. Hard to argue with time crunching and getting crunched by a car. So, how do I differentiate between inner critic and being realistic?

The easiest answer is, my inner critic makes nervous statements with no room for inquiry. My inner critic is not open for a discussion on the matter. It’s purpose is to get me back in my safe space asap.

If I were being realistic I would take the time to ask questions, look for solutions, and then decide, as neutrally as possible, what the outcome should be.

There is very little in life we can truly control. It’s true I could get hit by a car (especially as to how close they drive by me) and I have chosen a low traffic time to train. Although I cannot control the outcome of my biking on the road, I can choose to take realistic precautions and not let this limit what I want to do.

So, the next time you are tempted to believe you inner critic when it reasons with you as to why you can’t go after what you want, make sure to bring out curious questions that will look for solutions. Give yourself the gift of having a lot more information at hand before you believe what your inner critic is telling you. You are worth it.

Hugs, Vicky xx

You 1 – Mean Girl 0

The mean girl we are talking about is the one in your own head. Also known as Inner Critic, Saboteur or Gremlin.

It actually feels a little unfair to refer to the voice in my head as a mean girl. I’ve experienced a real life mean girl and she humiliated me, laughed at me, ganged up on me and conspired to make me feel small.

I don’t relate that to the voice in my head. Sure she can be loud and unkind, however, I feel her motivation is in my best interest.

I lived blissfully unaware of my Inner Critic for most of my life. It wasn’t until I trained as a Life Coach that the bubble burst – which was ultimately a good thing. Before this I believed what I was telling myself and led a relatively safe life. I enjoyed variety in my life but I wasn’t pursuing my dreams and ambitions.

My Inner Critic had no problem with me training and getting certified as a Life Coach. I have a passion for psychology and feel extremely capable in this role. However, when I decided to make a business of Life Coaching my Inner Critic has been a constant companion ever since.

Even as I write this post I have a running commentary telling me that nobody will read this far, that I’m not getting my point across very well and that nobody is interested in what I have to say. True or not, the commentary is of no help to me.

So, I created a printable worksheet which is part of my free Spring Clean Your Life program that is running through April. You can learn more about it here.

Check out the worksheet to get more acquainted with your Inner Mean Girl so you can better handle her and go after what is important to you.

Tame that Inner Critic and you’ll be surprised by the results. The trick is that you first have to recognize her. She will seduce you with reasons you should stay where you are, or make you believe you are incapable but use the worksheet to get to the truth, because your Inner Mean Girl / Critic is a little (lot) loose with the truth.

I’d love to hear how you are getting on. Come and share in the Facebook group.

Hugs, Vicky xxx

The Voice In Your Head

Ugghhh…..I’m tired, hitting snooze…..I can’t believe I hit snooze again, what’s wrong with me?…..will I never be able to commit to myself?……I look like crap……I didn’t give myself time to make a healthy breakfast, again!!!…….I’m never going to lose the extra weight I gained ……my car is such a mess, how hard is it to keep clean, it’s like 10 square feet – I’m so messy……my desk is not much better, I’m going to clean it now……what the…….I’ll clean tomorrow, I really am messy, or am I just “a mess”?……I don’t think i have the energy to get groceries…..no energy? pah, suck it up…..I look really chunky…..double chin AND wrinkles, is that even fair?….why is my hair so bad?……am I ruining my children?…..my wardrobe sucks… why am I still up?….I even failed at getting to bed at a decent time…..how hard is it to go to bed????…I’m crap.

Has anyone ever been as relentlessly mean to you as your own voice in your own head?

So much for loving yourself!! Can anyone actually do that with the mean girl chatter that never relents.

My chatter is what I started this post with.

And I truly believe that I’m a pretty awesome person.

Hard to believe with that tirade going off.

There are probably women that you know of that to look at them you would never guess that they have their own monologue going off in their own heads. Surely it’s not happening to them??

It sure is.

So, what are we going to do about it ladies?

Firstly, you have to be aware of it. You cannot correct a voice you have accepted.

Secondly, don’t accept it.

You will no longer be resigned to this way of speaking to yourself.

I’m not going to tell you to insert positive affirmation instead. That is one solution, but unless you truly believe the affirmation it falls flat and becomes something else that gets caught up in the negative chatter in your head.

Instead, try just noticing the thought. For example: “I notice I think I look like crap.” I find if I reframe my thought in this way, as opposed to just having the thought and accepting it as fact, my mind will often come to my defence. And if the thought doesn’t come naturally, I can purposely find something kind to say to myself.

If a friend was beating up on herself you would defend her. It’s time to put more attention on defending yourself.

It will take work. Being mindful always does. And you are worth it.

Hugs, Vicky xxx

If you haven’t already please join us for the Spring Clean Your Life Challenge. Free printable worksheets everyday in April.

Will You Answer the Door?

Take time to dream. Dream big. Dream often.

But don’t leave it at that. You must go beyond where most others turn back.

Once you have a dream, there will come a knock on the door.

Should you choose to answer this knock, it won’t be your dream sitting nicely packaged there on the step, no, it will be your “Dream Project Manager”, waiting and ready for action.

I think it is important to keep you dream consistently in sight. It’s like when you are thinking of buying a new car. All of a sudden you notice all the car commercials on TV, on bus shelters, in the newspaper, EVERYWHERE. Have they always been there? Yes, it just wasn’t relevant to you until now.

If you keep your dreams top of mind you’ll start to see opportunities to go after them. So, put them on a board or write them out and carry in your purse or simply commit to going through the vision daily in your mind. I believe the vision will help you stay on track and remind you why you need to stick with your “Dream Project Manager”, because what comes next may not be pretty.

Your Dream Project Manager is gonna make you work.

Dream Project Mgr small

Your Dream Project Manager will need you to get out of your comfort zone.

This is why we are not all “living the dream”. It takes effort to break the magnetic pull of our comfort zones. We get to the outer edge of that comfort zone and feel the resistance.

It is a conscious choice EVERY TIME we feel that resistance. Do we push through?

Or do we go back to our comfort zone?

I personally don’t know anyone who hasn’t gone back to their comfort zones. We’ve ALL done it. We’ve all given up on something.

And we’ve all experienced pushing through our resistance.

What feels second nature to you today was once a huge deal. When you booked your first vacation for yourself, when you got your first job, when you purchased a home or started a family, you likely had to learn a lot and move way out of your comfort zone.

Now it’s time to claim the dreams that are special to you.

And it’s time to do the work.

You’ve worked hard for everyone else. Now it’s time to put your attention on yourself and do this work for you.

Do this once and you will feel more confident dreaming bigger in the future.

You will no longer dread the knock at the door.

Aaaaannnndddd, I’ve made you the printable pictured above. Yaaaay.

Click Here to Get Printable

Put your thoughts on paper. Pretty it up with pictures, colours, whatever works for you. Make it relevant for you. Get prepared to do the work.

As always, I’d love to hear how you are getting on. Get in touch with me and come join in the facebook group.

Hugs, Vicky xx

Katy Perry Spoke to me About Self-Awareness

And in “spoke to me” I mean through her music.

Could you imagine……Katy Perry on speed dial. “Hey Katy, you don’t seem too busy right now, tell me, what are your thoughts on self-awareness?”

And she’d say, “Vicky, my main girl, are you not hearing my message in my song?”

And then I’d say “oh, you mean this one…..”

Self-aware3-Katy Perry “Thanks Katy. Talk to you later.” If I were texting I would just say “TTYL” but this is a conversation so let’s keep it real, yes?

Anyhooo, I LOVE this message. It so beautifully states that if we are not solid in knowing ourselves and what we stand for, we can so easily be carried along with a crowd, or one dominant person.

There are great leaders all around us, ones that are worthy of following. What we need to be clear on is when not to follow. By checking in with our own values.

It’s easy to know we shouldn’t join the hate campaign on another woman just because our friend / boss / colleague is upset with her. But the lines are often more blurred than that.

Let’s imagine, your office / group / organization is wanting everyone to join their fundraiser – run a half marathon to save the rainforest and the millions of animals being left with little chance of survival. A very worthy cause, no doubt.

Meanwhile, you rush past the homeless person sleeping on a subway grate for warmth EVERY morning because it hurts your heart to think of their suffering.

Do you “sit quietly, agree politely”? Or make a “choice” to suggest that you raise money for blankets and hot meals for people living without a home in the cold months. This may not be a cause close to your heart, but when you put your attention on what matters to you, you will stir up something you could sink your teeth into.

Katy has another genius line;

I went from zero, to my own hero.

And we don’t all need to be trailblazers and save the world. It’s often hard enough just saving the day for the people in our lives now.

The message I really wanted to get across was that self-awareness will save you time, energy and regrets. You’ll feel so much more fulfilled in 10 years time if you have been making choices based on what matters to you and you truly want to take a stand for.

I personally think this is a big, juicy, worthwhile topic and as always, feel free to get in touch with any questions or comments and also pop by the facebook group.

Until next time. Hugs.

Vicky x

Who are you when you are alone?

Blog image-who are you when alone

In the theme of self-awareness being alone is an important step to having the space to be introspective and figure yourself out.

For me, the thought of being alone brings up mixed feelings. To get a whole day to myself feels so foreign to me now that I would have a hard time knowing what to do with myself.

My kids are older and they aren’t attached to my side but they’ll soon let their presence known when it’s time to eat, or get dropped off somewhere. And in the lulls, when there’s nothing to be done for the house or family, I have NO IDEA what I will do for me. It’s like all possibilities come to me at once and I’m paralyzed by choice. I wander, confused, around the house. I want to squeeze every drop of goodness out of this time……but doing what?!?

If I were being self-aware I’d tune in to the fact that 50% of my book purchases recently have been cook books. Do I want to cook something fancy? Or I could pay attention to my body. Am I craving movement or stillness? A walk or curl up with a book? Find something mentally stimulating or grab a colouring book? I have A LOT of choices.

And who are you?

When you take away the identities given to you – wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, insert job title, what do you identify with?

Are you playful? Goofy? Nerdy? Nature loving? City slicking? Stationary addicted? Animal enthusiast? Yogi? Soulful? Spiritual? Level headed? Logical? Emotional? Honest to a fault? Artistic? Creative? Mathematical? A Leader? An activist? A contributor? The list is endless (thankfully, because I personally LOVE how different you are – it makes you VERY interesting to be with and talk to).

And how often do we get to talk about who we really are? We get wrapped up in general conversation more often than deep talk.

What really makes you tick? What gives you energy? What gets you excited?

We recently did a plan for 2016. If you filled it out I want you to revisit that plan AFTER you consider who you are. Truly and deeply. You may find that your direction doesn’t fully align with what you are discovering about yourself.

Take time to check in with your values. Are they being honoured in your life?

If you value family, are you making time and prioritizing them?

If you value learning, how are you keeping your mind busy?

In studying to become a coach I was taken through a values exercise and re-affirmed that I value respect for self and for others and fairness. I didn’t realize how strongly I felt about it. Once I acknowledged it, I could no longer ignore it and changed the way I behave. Instead of being triggered and getting angry, I suddenly had understanding and could communicate what I needed instead.

I also discovered how important adventure was for me. It explains a sense of restlessness when I don’t have any new experiences for a while. Believe me, this is good information to know about myself.

Some values are obvious, like honesty (I hope) and security. And some are a little more hidden like Originality, Accountability, Reliability, Tolerance.

When you see your values are getting stepped on / not honoured / dis-respected, then you are in a position of power and can choose how to handle the situation, instead of being grumpy for seemingly no good reason.

If you consider walking in the trail to be natures medicine but are filling your time up in the city, you could go a long time, not understanding your lack lustre feelings for the weekend, and begin to resent your plans and appear unreasonable. A simple fix would be to schedule time to honour your value of nature.

So, I’ll ask you again, who are you when you are alone?

Try the values exercises, get access below (you will get this automatically if you have already joined the Year of Growth).
Values Exercises – Yes Please

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