better you

4 Hours in the Car with my Teen – Part 2

Following on from my previous post here, in which I have my teen daughter in the car with me with nowhere else to go for a few hours and I started up a conversation about her grades, I dug deeper with our conversation, in which she surprisingly willingly participated, which brings us to this installment of what she discovered by using one of my coaching tools.

My teen has seen my coaching paraphernalia around. It was actually a timely question when she asked me about a week prior to our talk what the “being and doing” part of the system means.

She used every ounce of focus to listen (because I’m sure she regretted asking as soon as it was out of her mouth) as I described that who you are and who you are being should precede, in most cases, what you are doing. My example to her was, “a vegan should probably not be working in a chicken slaughtering plant” – I really do wonder sometimes where my creativity goes at times like this!!! I think she was more grossed out by the example than getting the point of it. Oh well, I’m sure I’ll get a do over soon enough. I think at the very least she understands I want, so much, for her to line up what she does in the world with who she truly is.

Back to the car ride.

She conveniently had pen and paper at hand so I decided we would do a Wheel of Life exercise.

I asked her to draw the circle and label the outside with the headings of the things that were important to her. For her it was family, friends, relationship, swimming, school, health and appearance, fun, hobbies (writing, drawing, singing, music).

I explained how to mark them from 1-10 and also made sure she understood that marking a 3 in friends didn’t mean they were bad friends, it might mean that something isn’t working in that segment, like time with friends, or communication with friends. I wanted her to be clear that there is no judgement on anyone or anything regardless of what number she assigned. What I do know about teenagers is they are fiercely protective of their people and things and I did not want her being cautious about sharing. I’m very aware she only knows me as her mother and not a coach so she doesn’t know the experience of me as unattached to the “why”, only to what will help her learn about herself.

I’m driving still so I’m not overlooking her progress but I honestly think it wouldn’t have made a difference. She was very involved in her own experience. She was interested in her own discoveries.

Once she was done we started the next part of the conversation:

Me: “What area has a low mark that you would like to see improve immediately?”

Maddi: “My hobbies.” (this is not what I thought she would pick but I had zero attachment to her choice)

Me: “What number do you have your hobbies at?”

Maddi: “A number 2”

Me: “What does a number 2 look like?” (tee-hee-hee she was so into her experience here she missed the funny)

Maddi: “I think about doing one of my hobbies but I run out of time and I never spend any time doing any of them.”

Me: “And how does that feel?”

Maddi: “Not good cos those things make me happy and some of the other distractions don’t make me happy”

We continued to discover what a number 5 would look like and even a number 9. 10 seemed a bit elusive to her (and that’s a whole different coaching session – haha).

She came to a conclusion about something I have been on her case about since December.

She has decided for herself that this is an important elimination in order for her to make time and space for something that she couldn’t previously pinpoint was missing.

She has declared her hobbies as a “must have” in her life. She has a better understanding for her need for a creative outlet.

She is hitting different and much better milestones than I hit at her age. I didn’t declare what was important for me and so I let others decide for me and I went along with the group…….and that is a whole other story.

So, back in December, for the holidays, we relented and got Maddi an iPhone.

She cried.

She was so excited that at 13 ½ years old she could FINALLY be like all (I’m sure not really) her friends and be able to communicate with the world like a “regular human teenager” via text (cos she still doesn’t actually speak to anyone on the phone).

It was the best of times. It was the worst of times. Sigh. For the last 5 months that damn phone has been the biggest issue in our house!!

Anyways, the icing on the cake, for me, was when she says she wants help setting boundaries around her phone. She feels trapped in needing to respond when she sees someone has messaged her or else she thinks she will offend them.

She finally understands that she is responding to other peoples agendas.

She knows how limited her time is (she is a competitive swimmer so is in the pool up to 9 times a week) and she wants time for EVERYTHING that is important to her.

She doesn’t underestimate what a hold the phone and the social interactions have over her. She has asked for my help.

She has done the hard work of going inward and really discovering what she wants in her life right now. And showing a continued commitment to what she wants will require work also. I know how easy it is to mindlessly get sucked into my iPad or TV watching and then regretting how I spent that time. I have had whole Saturdays lost doing mindless useless stuff that I didn’t want to be doing.

If she can get used to redirecting herself this way it will be a gift always. She can shift her attention, intention and direction whenever she chooses. And I hope she chooses often because it’s way too easy to get into a busy rut and forget where you actually wanted to be heading. Can you relate? I know I can.

If I can teach her this, and she uses it often, then I’ll be happy……..for a short time at least. Look, I’m her mother and there are so many more lessons I want her to learn.

After a period of silence in the car she turns to me and says “you know, I hate when we have these talks, but then it’s always really great in the end.”

Me: “Well, if you’d just stop resisting and LISTEN to me we could have your life signed, sealed and delivered with a pretty bow – now wouldn’t that feel great” is what I wanted to say – but didn’t. I know when NOT to push my luck.

Momma really does know best.

How to Make the Most out of 4 Hours in the Car with my Teen, part 1

We had an almost 4 hour drive ahead of us to get home. We’d travelled up from Toronto to Sudbury the day before just the 2 of us to see her 2 sisters compete in a swim meet.

I consider myself a very dedicated mother but if my teen had declined to come on this journey with me I think I would have skipped the 8 hours alone in the car, despite my low level anxiety for my 8 year old on her first “team travel” meet.

I really like my teen (so far). She triggers me FAST when she smart mouths me but on the whole she ain’t hitting the worrisome milestones I had already hit by her age so, for now, it’s mostly calm waters, and I like that.

Over the weekend she must have given her dad a test result that needed signing and returning to school. A test with a REALLY bad mark. Naturally her dad told me about it.

Now, I have a knack of taking information and running way into the future with it. I have a look around there and by the time I return to the present I have a whole load of lessons that need learning NOW so she doesn’t end up in that bleak place from which I have just returned. And, I know she doesn’t want to hear my wisdom, so, I freak out a little bit.

We are about an hour into the car ride when I ever so casually bring up;

“So…….What’s going on with your grades?”

I’ll spare you the pulling of teeth conversation that followed but which was started with “I dunno”.

My teen is the child that resists me coaching her. I am a certified life coach and she resists most things that are going to stir up emotion – making me need to exercise A LOT of self-restraint. At home she is very slippery because when a conversation heads in a direction that will bring up some emotion she can get up and leave the room. She can suddenly “neeeeed” to go to the washroom (who can argue with that?!). She can suddenly remember really important homework that needs doing (again, who am I to argue?!). She’s getting good at throwing me off her trail. #teentalents

She has been able to do, for a few years, what so many of us adults have mastered – avoiding the deep and difficult stuff – the emotional stuff – the important stuff. We’ll just deal with it later……right?!?

She is familiar with the art of numbing and distraction already. Yes, this REALLY bugs the shit out of me.

However, she was now a captive in our little enclosure on wheels.

Truth is, if someone does not want coaching then coaching should not be done. Only those who really want something to change will be open to the kind of conversation that can transform. But this is my daughter and I’ll keep showing up with as many resources as I have to help her keep learning and growing.

I could have gone the route that a school would and made some sort of growth plan with her, but would she stick to it???? Not likely!! I decided she needed to go deeper than that.

Me: “What’s important to you?”

Maddi: “My grades”

Me: “How important?”

Maddi: “OMG, sooo important, you don’t know how I worry, how I try and organize…….etc, etc”

Me: “What else is important to you?”

We continue in a similar fashion. She tells me family, friends, swimming, animals, singing, drawing, writing are all very important to her.

I spend time going deeper into the things she says are important to her. I want her to do what she resists most – to FEEL why they are important to her. I want her to experience the happiness when she talks about them. Or where there is a lack of happiness and potentially some stress.

My usually resistant daughter is taking a long hard look at stuff that actually matters to her.

It turns out that something that is really important to her is not getting the time and attention it deserves. It has clearly shown its face and it cannot be ignored.

In the next installment I’ll tell you how I helped her get to such an important realization and what she is willing to do about it.

Turned my mood around. Yay me!

This morning, I woke early so I could get a run in, make lunches, prep snacks and put a meal in the crockpot for dinner tonight. Oh, and get myself ready – which incidentally I didn’t leave enough time for again so again I am make-up-less. Yikes!!

Anyways, I’m not a natural bright and shiny morning person. Add to that the pots in the sink that were unlikely to get cleaned before I ran out the door, and the swim bags that weren’t packed ready for after school, and the clean laundry all over my bedroom floor because someone was obviously looking for an important piece of clothing to wear that day, meant that pressure was brewing before the kids came downstairs.

And then……I decided I didn’t want to feel this way. I don’t take for granted my ability to have control over this part of myself and so I chose to do something about it.

Off went the news, on went the music – loud, and by the time the kids did show their faces I felt like a whole new person.

The reason I’m writing about this is because I felt good about making the choice of showing up nicer for myself and my kids. It’s way too easy to feel justified in my grumpiness in the morning and continue being a bear.

For over a year I was a regular at yoga (which I really want to make time for again), during that time I really learned the power of deep breathing. Stopping and taking a deep breath almost stops time for a few seconds. It is a conscious action so it brings me into the present moment. I also use this as a reminder to check in with my body. I’ll notice where I am holding tension and let it go. There is a big shift that can happen in those 8-10 seconds of a deep breath. Give it a try.

What is it that you do to “reset” when you are feeling bad? Share it in the comments or share it with someone around you. I’m willing to bet that others would welcome the tip and even more so the reminder that they can do this small thing for themselves and change the course of their day.

One New Years Resolution Taken Care Of

I have planned to sit down and write a 3 week menu plan for a loooooong time.

I was probably initially hampered by my husbands resistance to the repeating of dinners. Meanwhile I was repeating dinners more frequently than every 3 weeks basically from lack of mental bandwidth to come up with anything else as I did a supermarket dash for that nights dinner.

So, once I put that dampener out of my mind I decided I would get to the planning.

To feed my household over 3 weeks worth of week day meals meant I had to come up with 15 breakfasts, kid lunches and dinners, 45 kid snacks, plus 15 more mobile snacks for between school and swim.

And you know that with 3 kids, they ain’t all liking the same stuff either.

Quite honestly, I was overwhelmed before I even began. To another mother with 6+ kids (because they all (need to) have insanely great scheduling skills), or other women who can organize just as well, this likely seemed a minor task, but for me, an indecisive Libran, this required big focus.

For months I avoided this project like I’m avoiding the scales right now after indulging in all those holiday chocolates, a bottle of Baileys (not in 1 sitting) and sticky toffee puddings, but then, with New Year approaching, I hedged by bets that I could get the 3 week plan done far easier than removing the 5lbs I guarantee I put on over the holidays.

Anyhoo, I DID IT!!! The plan that is. It’s done. Here’s the proof.

Now I have my fingers crossed that it was worth it. I have visions of easy night before prep, clockwork school mornings and being able to partake in conversations because I’m not trying to figure out what to piece together and what won’t get my kids booed out of class when the school is doing a “freggies” competition (winners are the class with most fruits and veg over a week).

So, that was my accomplishment for this week. I’ll start on those extra pounds next week 😉

Don’t be a victim in your own life

Lesson to my kids:

DON’T BE A VICTIM IN YOUR OWN LIFE.

My daughter does not read books. It drives me nuts. She struggles at school but it is not due to a lack of effort. IF SHE WOULD JUST READ, it would increase her comprehension so much. We all know this.

So, I kind of lost my plot on her when I found out that a book that she started at the end of June still isn`t finished!!!

Her response started with puppy dog eyes and a furrowed brow saying `but I don`t have time mom`.

A bit of a back story on her is that on top of school she has quite a bit of homework, and as I said, academia doesn`t come easy so it can be a longish process, plus she is a competitive swimmer so she is in the pool upto 9 times a week. She LOVES swimming and she puts in the effort to make this all work. So, when she pulled that line on me I agreed and sympathised with her for a second.

I TOTALLY BOUGHT INTO HER STORY.

But really, where could we possibly go from that belief?

After I left her a little while to cool off, because the discussion didn`t end with her little statement, I then challenged her and it resulted in a lot of head wagging and snarky looks (her, not me, promise), we automatically found the point where we should part company temporarily.

Anyways, once the tension was broken I pointed out to her that when she has a victim mentality of having `not enough` free time she runs the risk of making choices from a reactionary perspective and as far as I could see there would be the danger of making a bad choice.

However, if she changed her perspective to one that she has a full life doing the swimming she loves and getting well deserved results from school because of the effort she puts in, then she is in a far more powerful position to handle her time and outcomes.

I saw in her face what this change in perspective did for her. She seemed to become taller right in front of me. She instantly appreciated everything she has. Sure she is busy and she loves it. This perspective had her focus on what she has and not on what she doesn`t.

So, what are the chances that that lesson sank in and we won`t be here again?

Start hugging and be huggable

Have you been to the International arrivals terminal at an airport recently? Quite often you’ll see the sign holders and the flower bringers.

What you are guaranteed to see are lots of hugs! BIG juicy ones.

Ones where you sway (or bob) quickly from side to side. Ones where someone is getting whisked off their feet. Ones where they close their eyes and just squeeze. There are no shortage of hugs at the airport.

So, are you getting hugged enough in your daily life?

Touch has been studied at length and we now know that parents are encouraged to touch their babies in NICU as often as possible. And isn’t it somewhat inherent to want to reach out and touch someone when you see pain or suffering?

Excitement too makes us want to reach out and grab someone to release and share that positive energy.

“So, how do I get me some more hugging?” you may be thinking.

Well just like most things, it must start with you. As long as you can read social cues, and it is appropriate, try being liberal giving out hugs. It may feel awkward at first but as you get to be known as a hugger more people will come at you with open arms.

Make sure you cuddle / snuggle / hug those closest to you.

It’s a major connector, and connecting with people should be a priority in my opinion.

When my daughter was in Kindergarten she came home singing a song that went something like;

“Love is a gift that if you give it away it will come right back to you!”

So start hugging!!

I’m guessing; you’re too soft

I’m not talking soft around the middle, although who doesn’t wish for some extra firmness around there?!? I’m talking about softening the negative stuff so you don’t have to do anything about it.

Some of my clients are extremely motivated to make big changes, and the more honest they are, the better their results. Easy – yes? Well actually no!

It is much easier to soften the edges of a hard truth.

The self care swing says “don’t be so hard on yourself”, “be kind”, “be gently”. All good advise, just not when you are trying to make a change.

Lets take that soft middle that we started out talking about. If you really want to lose 40lbs then softening the edges, by reasoning that you still have a month until summer, or that you aren’t as heavy as your sister, or that your yoga pants still fit so all can’t be that bad, lets you off the hook. It lessens your resolve to change.

So, what’s a girl with a tendency for softness to do?

What about this for a visual? A board of Snakes and Ladders.

The winning square on the board is the change you want to happen. The snakes are all the pitfalls on the way there that slide you in the opposite direction of where you want to be.

When you reach a square with the head of a snake you must:
1. Be aware. The snake is a snake and not a fun slide with a foam pit at the bottom – no more softening – it WILL take you in the wrong direction.
2. Remember. What makes climbing the ladders worthwhile? What is it you want and why is it important to you?
3. Check your thoughts. What thoughts do you need to be having to carry out the actions that will keep you climbing?

We all wish our progress looked like a steady straight line incline to our ultimate goal but real life looks a lot more like a game of Snakes and Ladders.

The beauty of real life is that you have a lot more control than the roll of a dice.

So, keep it real and honest. Plan for the climbs and welcome the challenges. It all starts with a change in mind.

Do the work. You’re worth it.

Hugs, Vicky.

Take the Test: Are you a Goose or a Crab?

I often get sucked into the time warp that is Facebook. And right now there are a slew of people doing quizzes to discover what animal / colour / planet they are. Seemingly enjoying the feedback from these micro personality tests which may (or may not) hold valuable insight.

Anyways, no test here – sorry if I sucked you in on promise of getting more insight into yourself, but if you stay a while you might get some insight anyway, just YOU will have to do the internal search instead of a pre-typed paragraph with supposed sixth sense abilities.

I do enjoy when a speaker includes a story to illustrate a point. Recently I heard 2, each having an animal analogy to enhance their stories.

The first talk was a lady motivating kids to find the leader within. She had so much energy it was infectious. You could see the children captivated by her. I was too, but not so captivated that I didn’t miss this great fact about Geese (you never know what you’ll learn at a leadership talk).

Geese work as a team.

They fly in formation (for practical bird reasons) and at some point in the flight the leader passes off the leader role, this is practical because it’s the most exhausting place to fly – at the front, but also it allows less experienced Geese a learning opportunity to lead the flock. AND, if one of the Geese is injured and needs to land, they aren’t left to fend for themselves like an emotional Wild Cat documentary I watched, no, 2 experienced fliers will land with the injured bird and then the 3 will join up with another flock when all is good again.

Canadian Geese are quite a pain in the rear if you ask me. I have Goose poo all over my lawn when they come to visit. And they can be vicious. I’d rather face oncoming traffic to avoid running too close to a Goose. Anyway, my issues aside, I have a huge newfound respect for Geese. What civilized creatures they are.

Crabs on the other hand…. I listened to a second speech which enlightened me to the fact that if you put a single crab in a bucket they will likely escape but if you put several crabs in a bucket – not one will get out. Why? Because as soon as one starts to make headway another will pull it back down to suffer the same fate as the rest. Crazy!

So I’m guessing by this point you identify with the Goose. But be honest, don’t you get a little crabby?

And how often have you been on the receiving end of a crabby woman? (Guys can be crabby too, but I’m more concerned with women supporting women right now).

And what about when you experience a combination of the two? Let’s say you have a friend that is all Goosy while you are down on your luck or life is going along as normal, but turns Crabby when you get some good fortune. What do you do with that?

Well, the easy answer is “don’t take it personally”, she’s behaving badly because she feels badly about how it reflects on her life. I say that is the “easy” answer because “HOW CAN SHE BEHAVE LIKE A TOTAL CRAB, NOW, AFTER ALL THAT WE HAVE BEEN THROUGH???” is what you are fuming over right now.

Likewise, if you find yourself lacking Goosy goodness and on the wrong side of Crabby callousness, if you dare, analyze what about her news / situation is making you feel bad. Sounds like a change needs to happen.

Are you ready???

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