better you

Why You Aren’t Reaching Your Goals

I have an extremely persistent child. She wears me down with questioning and reasoning and she is relentless in going for what she wants. She exhausts me and she is very smart.

She is not unlike the voice in our heads. Our Inner Critic.

Our Inner Critic is also extremely smart and knows exactly how to keep us precisely where we are now – safe, comfortable, not stretching ourselves. Our Inner Critic is good at her role and she has many ways of convincing us that she is right. She has many different arguments for us to listen to. It is often easier to go along with her than to fight with her.

I’d like to do a quick experiment with you. Today, in our Spring Clean Your Life Challenge, I released a “Goals” worksheet. It’s easy, write down a big goal for yourself.

Think about your goal. Notice what starts to go on inside your head.

Did you get to write down the big goal or did your Inner Critic get to you before you even got to writing? “There’s no point in thinking big”, “as if you have time for this”, “keep it easy so you can move onto something else instead”.

If you managed to write the big goal, what is your mind saying now? “Sure, we’ll start that tomorrow”, “I’m never going to be able to…..”, “I just need to be …….. first, and then I can do it”.

Listen to what your Inner Critic is saying to you. Without judgement. Just notice.

There are many ways to tackle your Inner Critic. As a life coach I’ll share a few I use but first I can’t stress enough that you need to first be aware of your Inner Critic, and know it is not telling you the truth. I have never had a coaching client that didn’t have their Inner Critic come up repeatedly in a coaching session and the client was totally unaware of it.

Once you are aware of your Inner Critic you take back your power from it and, more importantly, get to the truth.

Here’s how:

Firstly, you can thank and soothe your Inner Critic. Tell it you appreciate it trying to keep you safe but that “you got this”.

Secondly, you can look for the 5% truth in what it is saying. Ditch the part that is fear based and listen for that 5% wisdom, for example if it’s telling you that you have no idea what is involved in getting the promotion so don’t even try, you can pull out the wisdom that you have learning to do AND go for that promotion.

Thirdly, you can repeat what your Inner Critic says and respond. For example: “I notice you (Inner Critic) are saying I should eat the cake, and that it won’t make a difference in the long run. I made a commitment to myself and my actions DO matter in getting the results I want. Thanks, but no thanks to the cake.”

There are many ways to deal with the Inner Critic but I CANNOT STRESS ENOUGH, you must be aware of it first.

So, get to work on dealing with yours and step out from under its protective dome. You know there’s something you’ve been waiting to go after. Go for it.

Hugs, Vicky xxxx

The Voice In Your Head

Ugghhh…..I’m tired, hitting snooze…..I can’t believe I hit snooze again, what’s wrong with me?…..will I never be able to commit to myself?……I look like crap……I didn’t give myself time to make a healthy breakfast, again!!!…….I’m never going to lose the extra weight I gained ……my car is such a mess, how hard is it to keep clean, it’s like 10 square feet – I’m so messy……my desk is not much better, I’m going to clean it now……what the…….I’ll clean tomorrow, I really am messy, or am I just “a mess”?……I don’t think i have the energy to get groceries…..no energy? pah, suck it up…..I look really chunky…..double chin AND wrinkles, is that even fair?….why is my hair so bad?……am I ruining my children?…..my wardrobe sucks… why am I still up?….I even failed at getting to bed at a decent time…..how hard is it to go to bed????…I’m crap.

Has anyone ever been as relentlessly mean to you as your own voice in your own head?

So much for loving yourself!! Can anyone actually do that with the mean girl chatter that never relents.

My chatter is what I started this post with.

And I truly believe that I’m a pretty awesome person.

Hard to believe with that tirade going off.

There are probably women that you know of that to look at them you would never guess that they have their own monologue going off in their own heads. Surely it’s not happening to them??

It sure is.

So, what are we going to do about it ladies?

Firstly, you have to be aware of it. You cannot correct a voice you have accepted.

Secondly, don’t accept it.

You will no longer be resigned to this way of speaking to yourself.

I’m not going to tell you to insert positive affirmation instead. That is one solution, but unless you truly believe the affirmation it falls flat and becomes something else that gets caught up in the negative chatter in your head.

Instead, try just noticing the thought. For example: “I notice I think I look like crap.” I find if I reframe my thought in this way, as opposed to just having the thought and accepting it as fact, my mind will often come to my defence. And if the thought doesn’t come naturally, I can purposely find something kind to say to myself.

If a friend was beating up on herself you would defend her. It’s time to put more attention on defending yourself.

It will take work. Being mindful always does. And you are worth it.

Hugs, Vicky xxx

If you haven’t already please join us for the Spring Clean Your Life Challenge. Free printable worksheets everyday in April.

i don’t know how to help you

Now I’ll add a bit of grammar (don’t message me if I get it wrong :)).

“I don’t know!!”
How to help you……

Coaching clients commonly answer “I don’t know” to my questions. When I dig deeper 98% of the time they TOTALLY DO KNOW. So what prompts this answer which stops the learning?

It is the easiest answer to give.

They are not being lazy or flippant. Their brains are doing what they are supposed to do – take the easiest path. With all the millions of decisions your brain is making every day which don’t require your conscious effort, it will absolutely try and avoid the deep thinking.

I don’t let that brain get away with short cutting, because getting a client to discover their own answers is incredibly powerful work.

Do you want to learn how to coach yourself to avoid giving yourself the “I don’t know answer?”

It takes practice and dedication because NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) is a fact, you will follow the path most travelled, which means it’s easy to fall back into old habits.

The answer is actually quite simple, it’s the implementation that is more difficult.

Ask yourself better questions.

As a coach I’m trained to ask questions, but alone in my head I still sometimes ask dead end questions.

Why do you let that person talk to you/treat you like that?

It is way too easy to answer “I don’t know”, resolve to do better next time and move on. Hey, I’m very efficiently moving away from the discomfort of the WHOLE situation. Crafty move, yes?

How likely do you think there will be a repeat of being spoken to or treat badly?

What if you did know why you let that person treat you like that? Or what would be your best guess as to why?

These are extremely simple follow up questions to “I don’t know” and they are extremely effective. The client, in this case yourself, realizes that they aren’t getting off the hook and look a little deeper, almost always coming up with an answer, something that they can work on.

We let ourselves off the hook a lot. And that’s OK when it’s not important. When it is important, when something is having a negative affect on our lives, it is in our best interest to get the answers which allow us to move forward.

When Girl Groups Are Bad

Bullying is not always as clear cut as one person shoving another into the lockers. Or one screaming and publicly cussing out another. Bullying is often not visible to outsiders. Even if a teacher suspected destructive behaviour, they have limited resources when it comes to Girl Groups.

How do you even know the extent of destruction within a girl group if everything from the outside looks friendly and tightly meshed.

How would an adult begin to break down such a group when those girls will band together so tightly against outside attack?

Well this adult, me, knew what to do when she suspected her daughter was going up against the same monster. And the reason I could help is because I know it so well having experienced it for myself.

Before we got to high school we were bike riding, den building, dance choreographing pre-teens, not nearly equipped for our first year of high school.

I remember within the first days of high school my best friend coming up to me telling me she’d met these really great girls. They looked unfazed by high school, they knew older kids, they were confident and one even smoked. Although we hadn’t had our heads flushed down toilets yet, as we had been previously warned, there seemed some safety hanging out with these girls.

The group quickly formed to 6 of us. 4 of us came from one middle school, the other 2 from a different middle school. The other 2 would become the “leader” and “sidekick” of our group.

To start it was exciting. We’d be meeting up on weekends and then weekend nights. Soon there was 4 of us smoking and shortly after that we were buying bottles of wine to go to parties with.

Who knows when the group dynamics really started to set in. I suspect the games and manipulation started on day one.

The group had its “leader” (from now on lovingly referred to as L) and the leader had a trusty “sidekick” (we’ll call her SK). The other 4 of us were basically pawns.

One day there was a seemingly harmless joke made by L or SK about one of the girls. L laughs, SK laughs. The target of the joke laughs. The others laugh, I laugh. Maybe I laughed loudest that day and that earned me some extra attention. I have to admit it felt pretty good with L linking one arm and SK linking the other and them laughing with me like everything I say is “the best”. And that’s how the rest of the day would play out. I’d be the centre of attention and even the other 3 would fall in and find me hilarious. It was awesome.

The next day as I’d approach the group I could sense immediately a shift. Ready to be as entertaining and amazing as I was the day before I confidently struck up a conversation to be suddenly shot down and ridiculed, in front of everyone. What?!? What did I say? I don’t get it. The proverbial rug had been well and truly pulled from under my feet. What had I done?

I tried to gather intel from who I thought were my allies and figure out what I had done wrong but they reflected the frostiness of L and SK. I was well and truly OUT. And I’d spend the rest of the day trying to gain back some level of inclusion.

So, the next day, with my head hung a little lower than before I approach the group wondering what I will do today to try and get back in the good books. Immediately I am greeted enthusiastically. I am back IN. And I’m quickly encouraged to get on the bandwagon of freezing out one of the other 3 girls. I guiltily oblige.

At the relief of being out of the firing zone I have taken my first step in agreement of being able to make another girl feel like crap. Although it never feels right or good it does feel easier each time to ignore the feelings of this not being right because the feeling of being included does feel right and necessary to my well being.

Being on the OUT of the group means being within proximity of the group but knowing embarrassingly that you are not being included and that at any moment they may publicly humiliate you, or make you do something dumb, or just use you as entertainment by making fun of you and picking at everything you do.

So, why stay?

I stuck with the group for the better part of a school year. It felt so much longer. It was confusing and confusion is great at keeping you stuck.

How did I get here? Who are my real friends? Am I a bad person now? What did they mean by that? Is there something wrong with me? Nope, all is good today.

Eventually I could no longer handle the emotional roller coaster. Feeling humiliated and not knowing where I stood one day to the next had had its day.

A HUGE act of courage would have been to just leave the group by myself and figure out my next move as it happened. I didn’t do that but I do believe my next move was still very courageous for a 14 year old.

I trusted one of the other girls. I spilled my guts on how I was feeling and that I couldn’t stay like that. Would she leave the group with me?

I held my breath because everything I’d just said to her was “gold” in getting her up the ranks in the group and would definitely gain her a place on top for a week or more. And my life would have been hell.

She was as upset as me. We risked social annihilation and public humiliation and chose to leave the group anyway.

Our exit was thankfully anti-climactic but what it left me with was a knowing that I could stand up for myself and that people are not allowed to treat me like that. A life lesson that would serve me well always.

In addition to that I took responsibility for how I acted. L and SK played a masterful game but could not have executed without willing participants. I could not change the past but I could behave better in the future. I had created this particular result and I could create a better result for myself in the future.

So, when my daughter had the exact same experience I was able to fast track her understanding by firstly making her aware – taking her out of the confusion and self loathing – so she could decide for herself when she had had enough.

She took the same risk as me by confiding in one of the other girls. My daughter said the other girl was so relieved to hear that my daughter was going through the same thing. Together they decided to be united and ultimately left the group.

Their exit was not without drama and so the school got involved but not without some insistence. The Principal wanted to see the “drama” blow over.

I was upset for my daughter had to go through but felt no ill will to her L and SK.

L has leadership skills, SK has support skills. In “girl world” these could be a huge asset. Girls could definitely use the extra boosts to live bigger and bolder lives.

Unfortunately when fear raises it’s ugly head it can make good leaders in to fear driven mean leaders.

I’m sure my L and SK had a change in direction with some life experience behind them.

With a spotlight on mean moms social engineering their daughters lives it would seem that some mean girls grow into mean moms. Their intention may be to help their daughter avoid what they went through but acting with a fear mentality will never get us to a better place.

Kindness and inclusion are simple in theory but just like honesty take commitment, especially when you may risk your own popularity to honour it.

Girl groups can also be fantastic. And I have had that experience too. And there is just as much to learn from having great friends as there is from a not so great experience.

To all the good girlfriends out there. Keep up the great work and keep supporting each other.

Hugs, Vicky xx

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Will You Answer the Door?

Take time to dream. Dream big. Dream often.

But don’t leave it at that. You must go beyond where most others turn back.

Once you have a dream, there will come a knock on the door.

Should you choose to answer this knock, it won’t be your dream sitting nicely packaged there on the step, no, it will be your “Dream Project Manager”, waiting and ready for action.

I think it is important to keep you dream consistently in sight. It’s like when you are thinking of buying a new car. All of a sudden you notice all the car commercials on TV, on bus shelters, in the newspaper, EVERYWHERE. Have they always been there? Yes, it just wasn’t relevant to you until now.

If you keep your dreams top of mind you’ll start to see opportunities to go after them. So, put them on a board or write them out and carry in your purse or simply commit to going through the vision daily in your mind. I believe the vision will help you stay on track and remind you why you need to stick with your “Dream Project Manager”, because what comes next may not be pretty.

Your Dream Project Manager is gonna make you work.

Dream Project Mgr small

Your Dream Project Manager will need you to get out of your comfort zone.

This is why we are not all “living the dream”. It takes effort to break the magnetic pull of our comfort zones. We get to the outer edge of that comfort zone and feel the resistance.

It is a conscious choice EVERY TIME we feel that resistance. Do we push through?

Or do we go back to our comfort zone?

I personally don’t know anyone who hasn’t gone back to their comfort zones. We’ve ALL done it. We’ve all given up on something.

And we’ve all experienced pushing through our resistance.

What feels second nature to you today was once a huge deal. When you booked your first vacation for yourself, when you got your first job, when you purchased a home or started a family, you likely had to learn a lot and move way out of your comfort zone.

Now it’s time to claim the dreams that are special to you.

And it’s time to do the work.

You’ve worked hard for everyone else. Now it’s time to put your attention on yourself and do this work for you.

Do this once and you will feel more confident dreaming bigger in the future.

You will no longer dread the knock at the door.

Aaaaannnndddd, I’ve made you the printable pictured above. Yaaaay.

Click Here to Get Printable

Put your thoughts on paper. Pretty it up with pictures, colours, whatever works for you. Make it relevant for you. Get prepared to do the work.

As always, I’d love to hear how you are getting on. Get in touch with me and come join in the facebook group.

Hugs, Vicky xx

Katy Perry Spoke to me About Self-Awareness

And in “spoke to me” I mean through her music.

Could you imagine……Katy Perry on speed dial. “Hey Katy, you don’t seem too busy right now, tell me, what are your thoughts on self-awareness?”

And she’d say, “Vicky, my main girl, are you not hearing my message in my song?”

And then I’d say “oh, you mean this one…..”

Self-aware3-Katy Perry “Thanks Katy. Talk to you later.” If I were texting I would just say “TTYL” but this is a conversation so let’s keep it real, yes?

Anyhooo, I LOVE this message. It so beautifully states that if we are not solid in knowing ourselves and what we stand for, we can so easily be carried along with a crowd, or one dominant person.

There are great leaders all around us, ones that are worthy of following. What we need to be clear on is when not to follow. By checking in with our own values.

It’s easy to know we shouldn’t join the hate campaign on another woman just because our friend / boss / colleague is upset with her. But the lines are often more blurred than that.

Let’s imagine, your office / group / organization is wanting everyone to join their fundraiser – run a half marathon to save the rainforest and the millions of animals being left with little chance of survival. A very worthy cause, no doubt.

Meanwhile, you rush past the homeless person sleeping on a subway grate for warmth EVERY morning because it hurts your heart to think of their suffering.

Do you “sit quietly, agree politely”? Or make a “choice” to suggest that you raise money for blankets and hot meals for people living without a home in the cold months. This may not be a cause close to your heart, but when you put your attention on what matters to you, you will stir up something you could sink your teeth into.

Katy has another genius line;

I went from zero, to my own hero.

And we don’t all need to be trailblazers and save the world. It’s often hard enough just saving the day for the people in our lives now.

The message I really wanted to get across was that self-awareness will save you time, energy and regrets. You’ll feel so much more fulfilled in 10 years time if you have been making choices based on what matters to you and you truly want to take a stand for.

I personally think this is a big, juicy, worthwhile topic and as always, feel free to get in touch with any questions or comments and also pop by the facebook group.

Until next time. Hugs.

Vicky x

Who are you when you are alone?

Blog image-who are you when alone

In the theme of self-awareness being alone is an important step to having the space to be introspective and figure yourself out.

For me, the thought of being alone brings up mixed feelings. To get a whole day to myself feels so foreign to me now that I would have a hard time knowing what to do with myself.

My kids are older and they aren’t attached to my side but they’ll soon let their presence known when it’s time to eat, or get dropped off somewhere. And in the lulls, when there’s nothing to be done for the house or family, I have NO IDEA what I will do for me. It’s like all possibilities come to me at once and I’m paralyzed by choice. I wander, confused, around the house. I want to squeeze every drop of goodness out of this time……but doing what?!?

If I were being self-aware I’d tune in to the fact that 50% of my book purchases recently have been cook books. Do I want to cook something fancy? Or I could pay attention to my body. Am I craving movement or stillness? A walk or curl up with a book? Find something mentally stimulating or grab a colouring book? I have A LOT of choices.

And who are you?

When you take away the identities given to you – wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, insert job title, what do you identify with?

Are you playful? Goofy? Nerdy? Nature loving? City slicking? Stationary addicted? Animal enthusiast? Yogi? Soulful? Spiritual? Level headed? Logical? Emotional? Honest to a fault? Artistic? Creative? Mathematical? A Leader? An activist? A contributor? The list is endless (thankfully, because I personally LOVE how different you are – it makes you VERY interesting to be with and talk to).

And how often do we get to talk about who we really are? We get wrapped up in general conversation more often than deep talk.

What really makes you tick? What gives you energy? What gets you excited?

We recently did a plan for 2016. If you filled it out I want you to revisit that plan AFTER you consider who you are. Truly and deeply. You may find that your direction doesn’t fully align with what you are discovering about yourself.

Take time to check in with your values. Are they being honoured in your life?

If you value family, are you making time and prioritizing them?

If you value learning, how are you keeping your mind busy?

In studying to become a coach I was taken through a values exercise and re-affirmed that I value respect for self and for others and fairness. I didn’t realize how strongly I felt about it. Once I acknowledged it, I could no longer ignore it and changed the way I behave. Instead of being triggered and getting angry, I suddenly had understanding and could communicate what I needed instead.

I also discovered how important adventure was for me. It explains a sense of restlessness when I don’t have any new experiences for a while. Believe me, this is good information to know about myself.

Some values are obvious, like honesty (I hope) and security. And some are a little more hidden like Originality, Accountability, Reliability, Tolerance.

When you see your values are getting stepped on / not honoured / dis-respected, then you are in a position of power and can choose how to handle the situation, instead of being grumpy for seemingly no good reason.

If you consider walking in the trail to be natures medicine but are filling your time up in the city, you could go a long time, not understanding your lack lustre feelings for the weekend, and begin to resent your plans and appear unreasonable. A simple fix would be to schedule time to honour your value of nature.

So, I’ll ask you again, who are you when you are alone?

Try the values exercises, get access below (you will get this automatically if you have already joined the Year of Growth).
Values Exercises – Yes Please

Review of 2015

This year the term Morning Pages kept coming up. I checked it out and thought it would be a fantastic process for me because I’m an over thinker and I have a ton of scattered thoughts, seemingly in every waking moment. So, the idea of writing for 3 full pages, with no other purpose than to get what is in your head out of your head so you can look back and pick out the gold, got my attention.

And then it lost my attention. Who has time in the morning to write for 3 full size pages? And I know I could make time. But I didn’t.

But I do see the value in picking out the gold.

So, I made a “Review of 2015”. And I filled it in. And I got so much out of it.

I didn’t write down resolutions or goals for 2015 (changing this for 2016) but I know what I was hoping and aiming for all year.

Here’s my Review of 2015. (to see a better copy click on the picture)

In the middle of the page I wrote out the most important areas of my life right now and started acknowledging my successes.

And I made space for where I fell short. It’s important to accept and to understand this part. And to take full ownership for it. You can only get the learning from it if you are truly honest and take responsibility. Once I’ve done this I can later decide if it’s still important enough to put back on the goals list for 2016 (watch out for the next post).

And I made it for you too. It’s simple and extremely effective. Download your free copy below.

In comparing this years review to last years, here are the comparables:

Everyone is still staying active. Mindset is huge in sports and remains the biggest roadblock to success in at least 3 out of 5 of us.

Our new experiences this year were trips and camps and mountains and volunteering. It feels like we were able to keep up a good variety.

Last year I had a minor infatuation with Paint Nite. This year my walls are getting a breather from the amateur art I was creating and instead we’ve been enjoying the new (in Canada anyway) trend of Escape Rooms. Being a detective in themed rooms, figuring out clues to advance to new rooms and hopefully escape before time’s up really was fun. It was nice to do something different. Until it wasn’t different anymore, so now we’re taking a break from it.

I turned 41.

I still never dropped that elusive last 10lbs. Even while training for a 50km trail race – so annoying to have a talent in weight retention.

Self care was still pretty rubbish but I’m making a push for success this month, I’ll be having my second facial in 2 months, which I was desperate for as my skin was in awful condition, and I’ll be heading to the hairdressers. The massage will have to wait until the new year.

Our social life isn’t awful. Still not as rocking as the kids’. Will put it on my goal for 2016 to do better spending time with people we want to spend time with.

I think my biggest learning of the year is to be aware. You cannot improve what you are not aware of. Sure, once you know there’s something that isn’t working it takes effort to put it right but once you get that ball rolling it gets easier. I’m enjoying the benefit of being aware and making changes.

Now it’s your turn. Put your attention on 2015 and get ready for a Super Sweet ’16.

Get your Review of 2015 HERE

Vicky x

How Well Will I Survive with No Kids “Needing” Me?

I recently sent out a survey to moms of teens. I want to get insight into what women are struggling with in anticipation of this next stage in life.

When our children were young we marked time as “before we had kids” and “since having kids”. Soon time will be marked “when the kids were at home” and “since the kids left home”.

In the meantime there is also the grey area of the kids are home, but they hardly know we exist except to feed them, do their laundry and be their safety net if they screw up.

Women have been sharing very honest thoughts in my survey about this time of life. It brings up a lot of thoughts and emotions. And I wanted to process my own thoughts so I thought I’d answer my own survey and share with you my journey.

Q. How do you feel about this next stage in life? (w/ kids that can fend for themselves)

A. Such a mixed bag of emotions. My husband and I have already started planning our life when the kids are all old enough to be at college or home alone (youngest babe gets done Grade 12 in 8 years!!!) and that is exciting. On the other hand I’m acutely aware of my teenager and her ever growing independence. Thankfully they don’t change from snuggling, mommy centred kids to full grown adults with lives of their own over night. Instead it is a continual emotional readjustment to years of small tweaks that move our teens a little further out into the real world and away from our protective arms. I’m sensitive to the fact that I need to keep my opinions to myself about a mean friend so as not to frighten her off. Sometimes it feels like I’m approaching a deer and the wrong move will send her fleeing.

In an ideal world we will still have lots to do with them when they are living away from home and this makes it doubly exciting.

Q: How much do you think about this next stage in life?

A: Often

Q: How often do you think about making changes in your life?

A: Often

Q: What changes do you consider?

A: Lots of them, hee hee. What we eat. Where we live. Career wise I am slowly making changes to incorporate more of what I love – coaching. Our social life needs to get on the calendar before we fill it with other stuff. Get comfortable with camping – roughing it style. I grew up in the UK, nothing to be frightened of there. Canada has bears – I barely sleep in a tent.

Q: What motivates you into action?

A: If I think about changing where we live and moving more into coaching it has to be vision / daydreaming that motivates me, which means the great life I envision pulls me towards it. Sometimes though, when I’ve procrastinated for too long I get so frustrated with myself that I get moving. With the camping situation it has to be love that is motivating me. I personally could live without it but it’s part of my husbands dream and he has agreed to live in the South of France with me for a couple of months when we have independent kids so I am easing myself into camping now – it could be a long road.

Q: What stops you from making changes for you?

A: How I might affect others. Yes, I said it. I coach around this because it is such a limiting belief but I do suffer it too. Sometimes I think “who am I to have the life I am dreaming about 10 years out from now” which is dangerous territory because I NEVER want to stop moving towards that.

Fear stops me too. In my tracks. That’s when I find distracting and numbing things to do. I’m getting better at recognising that about myself and training myself to stick with the uncomfortable feeling – work in progress.

Q: Where might you be lacking confidence?

A: Crikey, where am I NOT lacking confidence? I’m trying to keep away from age reducing my circle of confidence in respect to trying new things. I’m confident where I’m comfortable but that is not where I want to stay. I think lacking confidence is not a problem as long as you are willing to work through it still to get to where you want to be. Lack of confidence can be expected, just like fear. It’s what you do with those emotions that matters.

Q: What would you do with a “magic wand for a day” to improve your life?

A: Oooohhh, what to do, what to do?!?! I’m wary of quick fixes because I believe in the value of the learning, however, I’d take that magic wand to reset my body clock. I’d love to get away with 6 hours sleep a night and get up at 5am bright eyed and ready to rock it. As it is 7am still doesn’t feel good to me and that’s even after 8 hours. Which leads back to knowing I need to change my eating habits and up my water intake. I’d use that magic wand to condition myself to drink my 8 glasses of water a day.

There’s a lot to be learned with self reflection. I feel we don’t check in with ourselves enough. It’s far easier to pick up our mobile devices and check in with others instead.

If you are willing, share your responses to these questions with me here.

Dream up some idea’s of what you can do for yourself when the kids don’t need you so much anymore. You’re worth it.

Vicky x

The 5 Lessons I Teach Constantly

I have 3 daughters. I’ve told them so many important lessons; don’t touch the hot stove, look both ways before crossing the street, don’t talk to strangers, don’t eat yellow snow – all the important stuff.

As they grow older I also try to advise them how not to be manipulated. How to respect yourself at a high school party. How to respectfully make a teacher listen that you didn’t understand the lesson. How to respectfully disagree.

We all know that with kids, teenagers especially, it’s in one ear and out the other. My best guess is that about 15% of what I tell them is retained and helps them navigate life.

Sooooooo, I wait for the really teachable moments. Right after they screwed up, got hurt, were deceived, were disappointed, were bullied, In talking to them in those moments I was able to give real teachable moments.

All 3 of my girls have been bullied, excluded, ridiculed and embarrassed in front of their peers. They’ve all been winded by surprising actions of people they thought they could trust. They’ve all encountered an adult who is difficult to find respect for.

I truly love these teaching moments. It feels like these are the true life lessons that will help them always. If they can get these lessons now they will hopefully be less hurt, or more self reflective and able to adeptly adjust. For we all know, as Oprah has told us, that lessons will keep coming around until you learn them.

So, on to those lessons. And although these are what I teach my girls, they are every bit as important for us “grown up girls” too. I have had personal growth from each of these lessons.

Reflect. What do you want in this situation? If you are storming away from an argument, once you are calmer you’re probably able to say you didn’t want to crush the spirit of the other person, you just wanted to be heard. When you can reflect and understand “I want to be heard” then you can tackle the situation very differently. What doesn’t work is thinking “I want them to shut up, go away, be somebody else, do something else”, which leads to lesson 2.
Personal responsibility. The ONLY person you can control is yourself. Blame eases the responsibility off your plate and on to the other persons. How much power to change the situation do you have once you’ve dumped that junk “over there”? It’s still there, but now you are just hoping that it bothers someone else enough that they’ll get rid of it for you. A tiresome procedure. What you can do right now is go back to lesson 1, reflect on what you want for you, and get into action.
Do not try and guess other people’s intentions. Everyone has an agenda, whether it is full of kindness or full of self preservation, it is there. When my girls are devastated at the behaviour of others I consider this an important lesson. We don’t know the other persons full story. We don’t know what they need to do to feel good about themselves. It sure is wrong of them to take 5 other people and ridicule you in front of your class. Remember, that speaks more about who they are than who you are. Please, please, please don’t change who you are to try and make that person or group of people happy. It NEVER works. So, what’s a girl to do? Go back to lessons 1 and 2 (I told you these lessons get a lot of air time).
When you feel bad you do bad. My girls are not always the “victims” (I’m careful when using this word because I never want them to feel powerless). They have unkind moments too. As I see them happen in family life I am able to take them aside and ask “what’s going on?”. When I do this with a feeling of, I’m checking in to see if you are ok because this isn’t like you, the relief and sadness that comes out is powerful. If I can teach them to notice when their impact is negative and reflect back to themselves then they grow and potentially the other person does too (certainly they’ll have a better interaction with my girls at the very least). If they are able to understand that they were behaving badly because they felt hurt, tired, hungry, threatened, undermined or just plain bitchy, then they could do a pretty quick re-adjust.
Be kind. To everyone. Granted some people are harder to be kind to than others but we don’t know peoples stories. As my kids figure out the personal responsibility bit and wonder “shouldn’t everyone be responsible for their own actions?”, I tell them that is true but again remind them that they are only responsible for THEIR OWN behaviour and how they treat someone is up to them. I tell them they must still have their own boundaries, and while they are with someone they can still be kind, even if the kindest thing they can do is smile and tell them goodbye.

So, these are the 5 lessons I seem to be constantly teaching in my home. The biggest take away I want for my girls, myself, and people in general, is self awareness. You can’t change what you don’t know is there.

Even a simple change in perspective can have huge impact.

Self discovery and development!!!! I seriously love this stuff!!

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better you

Think about your goal. Notice what starts to go on inside your head.

Listen to what your Inner Critic is saying to you. Without judgement. Just notice.

Once you are aware of your Inner Critic you take back your power from it and, more importantly, get to the truth.

There are many ways to deal with the Inner Critic but I CANNOT STRESS ENOUGH, you must be aware of it first.

Has anyone ever been as relentlessly mean to you as your own voice in your own head?

And I truly believe that I’m a pretty awesome person.

So, what are we going to do about it ladies?

You will no longer be resigned to this way of speaking to yourself.

If you haven’t already please join us for the Spring Clean Your Life Challenge. Free printable worksheets everyday in April.

Do you want to learn how to coach yourself to avoid giving yourself the “I don’t know answer?”

Ask yourself better questions.

Once you have a dream, there will come a knock on the door.

Your Dream Project Manager is gonna make you work.

It is a conscious choice EVERY TIME we feel that resistance. Do we push through?

Now it’s time to claim the dreams that are special to you.

And it’s time to do the work.

You will no longer dread the knock at the door.

I went from zero, to my own hero.

And who are you?

When you take away the identities given to you – wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, insert job title, what do you identify with?

What really makes you tick? What gives you energy? What gets you excited?

So, I made a “Review of 2015”. And I filled it in. And I got so much out of it.

And I made it for you too. It’s simple and extremely effective. Download your free copy below.

Now it’s your turn. Put your attention on 2015 and get ready for a Super Sweet ’16.

Get your Review of 2015 HERE

Q. How do you feel about this next stage in life? (w/ kids that can fend for themselves)

Q: How much do you think about this next stage in life?

Q: How often do you think about making changes in your life?

Q: What changes do you consider?

Q: What motivates you into action?

Q: What stops you from making changes for you?

Q: Where might you be lacking confidence?

Q: What would you do with a “magic wand for a day” to improve your life?

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