parenting

Honey, I’m Lost Without The Kids

It was clear what was expected of us as kids back in the 80’s….

“Stay in school. Say NO to drugs.”

It was clear what was expected of us after leaving school in the 90’s….

Meet a nice boy. Get married. Have babies. Oh, and work your tush off so you can get the house with the picket fence .We weren’t encouraged to focus on dreams and fulfillment – 2.4 children and picket fence – STAY FOCUSED!!!

The only remaining major landmark event between raising children and shuffling off the mortal coil –  retirement.

The ultimate prize of a life of hard work. To sit around doing……..who the hell knows???

But hang on a minute!!! Back to a more pressing point.

My kids are getting really freakin’ independent, nowwww.

Apart from feeding themselves and getting from one place to another – apparently I’m still in charge of those departments – they’re fine, thank you very much.

What? Huh? What do you mean?

Well……..ok. But, I’m here if you need meeeeeee.

Still here….. Now what? There’s about 20 years between now and retirement.

Well. It looks like we’re getting…..

A Second Kick At The Can

We’re still young and agile enough to really change the course of our lives. How awesome is that?!?! WE’RE READY FOR THIS.

The easy thing to do would be to stay lost in the absence of our kids needing us. To wait around hopefully for another chance to be the hero in their lives. WE CAN DO BETTER THAN THIS, AND BE MORE INSPIRING TO SAID KIDS.

We know this role of motherhood. It’s comfortable and rewarding. We’re so close to perfecting it after so many years. My schooling in motherhood has been longer and harder than any other schooling. WE CAN LEARN NEW THINGS.

I knew this role meant that the better I got at it the more I’d be demoted. I knew it would lead to part-time.

Doesn’t mean I have to like it……..yet.

My eldest has triggered the first demotion. My middle child has even cut me back a few hours. My youngest is enjoying the benefits of a mother with less hands-on mothering to do for her siblings, but she doesn’t really need too much of me. I just love that she WANTS me.

So, I’m planning now for my

Wait!!! Wait a minute….I interrupt this message for the fact that as I type this I am at my kids (5am!!!!) swim practice. Middle child just waved at me during a kick set!!!! She acknowledged me!!!! Oh the scraps I cling to. Don’t care……loved it!!!

As I was saying, I’m now planning for me.

I’m putting myself back on my priority list.

As I raise my head from the hard focus of mothering I am questioning a lot of things.

How am I spending most of my time? How would I prefer to spend my time?

What’s my purpose? What do I have to contribute?

Who do I want to be? What do I dream of doing?

Where do I want to live? Where do I want to travel to?

The questions are the easy part. Spending the time to answering them and taking the actions to fulfill them is where the work really is.

And that’s a whole other post. Stay tuned. Better yet, subscribe, if you aren’t already so you don’t miss life coaching moments that will help you put yourself back on your priority list.

You’re worth it.

Hugs, Vicky xxxxx

What You Think Matters

What do you think about swimming in a deep dark lake?

The water is cool and refreshing. It’s deep so the “seaweed” is a long way down, but it’s down there. The snapping turtles tend to stay by the docks but the 3′ long Muskie with their razor sharp teeth that slant to the backs of their mouths so they hook what they bite swim freely.

When I describe the lake like that I’m surprised any of us get into it, but we do. Hours of fun swimming and tubing off the back of the boat.

My 10 and almost 12 years old are competitive swimmers. It’s off season but on Monday they wanted to get a workout done. We were at the cottage so their only option was the lake.

Stay with me, there’s a thinking trick we will all benefit from.

So, off we peddled on the paddle boat to a “safe” spot about 100′ from shore where the weeds were too deep to be seen. After some nervous chatter and a count down they were in.

I’m so impressed, they’re off and I’m starting to feel a little panicked because I want to keep the paddle boat right up beside them because a) my babies are in the lake without their life jackets on, and did I mention the lake is deep and dark, and b) there are other boats on the lake and swimmers are practically invisible to them, but they’re really fast.

Lake Swim

So, I’m peddling like mad, sweat starting to form on my brow and run down my back, my legs are burning and I’m swaying my body back and forth just to try and get some power behind my failing legs, when all of a sudden they stop.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Hang on, what happened to the workout? These kids do anywhere from 2000m to 7000m daily and we’ve gone about 20 strokes.

I’m going somewhere with this, I promise.

Last year our one daughter won a race across this. same. lake. And we got to keep the trophy for a whole year as proof!! So, what’s holding her back now?

She said it was different, because there were lots of other people doing the race too.

Here’s where I get excited – there’s a teachable moment here.

So, let’s fast forward past all the stopping, starting, negotiating, complaining, panting, sweating, muttering, cursing……and the kids were doing some starting, stopping and negotiation of their own too.

On land I got out some paper and pens and got to work on having them question their thinking.

Firstly they acknowledged they didn’t meet their goal of getting a good swim workout done. I then broke it down into questions for them.

What actions did you take that got you this result?

What feelings caused these actions?

What thoughts caused these feelings?

So now they were examining what happened and what got them there. The result they got was starting and stopping and ultimately giving up on their workout. The feelings that caused their actions were fear – of what was in the water. The thoughts they were having was that something might touch them and then they’d panic.

The next set of questions were:

What is a more helpful thought you could have?

How will this help you achieve a better result next time?

When we get off autopilot, our brains reeeeeaaallllly like autopilot by the way, we can be aware of our thoughts and – here’s the great part – change them!!!

I use this technique so much now.

So, next time you aren’t getting the results you want, work it backwards:

What ACTIONS are you taking?
What FEELINGS are behind the actions (or lack of actions)?
What THOUGHTS are causing those feelings?

The deeper you can go and the more honest you can be with yourself the more gold you will find. And when you know better, you can do better.

Give it a try (or 10), you are worth it.

Hugs, Vicky xx

Make This Small Change and Watch How Your Day Gets Better

Blog2-May 12It’s a small change. Not necessarily an easy change. What I’m suggesting you do is change your mind.

Your thoughts are what get you in to (or out of) trouble.

I got “coached” this morning by my teenager because the theme of the week in our house has been, “pay attention to what you are thinking”. When I made a suggestion to her she responded with “I was just doing that” then came “seriously”. Apparently the “seriously” was to her sister and not to me – likely story – so I was being reminded of my own words after I pulled her up on her rudeness. I’m not loving the teenage ability to spin a story to be unprovable!!!

I’ve been hearing a lot of negativity coming out of my girls recently. The other day it felt really personal when my youngest complained that I spend longer saying goodnight to her sister than I do with her. Ouch!! I immediately started thinking “I’m a bad mom, I’m damaging my child, she’s going to need a life coach of her own in a few years to move forward from “mommy issues”, am I really being neglectful?” The thing is, she wasn’t wrong.

Thankfully, on this particular night I wasn’t counting down the moments until I could face plant my pillow so I was able to give her a chance to look at how she was thinking.

Firstly, a little back story. Me and my youngest daughter (the one feeling duped at bedtime) spend A LOT of time together. We have 3 girls and they are all competitive swimmers. The 2 eldest swim at the same time, same pool. The youngest different times, different pools. So, my husband and I divide and conquer. I get to pick my youngest up from school, we do homework together, she helps me cook, we chat during our car rides (she’s at the pool 5 times a week), and I watch a good portion of her swimming once I’ve done my own runs.

So, I brought her attention to the fact that if she is focusing her thoughts on herself getting “less than”, she will find the evidence of this. Of course she will find it, we have 2 other children that need our attention also. I told her what I wanted her to try was having the thought of “my mom and dad are always there when I need or want them.”

I don’t expect her thoughts and behaviour to change immediately. This particular 10 year old won’t remember the conversation, never mind the new thought process, so it will take some reminders and variations for her to benefit from this new thought process. But if she nails it she will be looking for evidence of love and abundance, instead of lacking and “poor me”.

Another example I found on this recently was a conversation I was having with a friend. We were talking about only children. I am an only child, so when she shared her experience of feeling judged when people would question her choice of having “just one”, for a split second I bought in. Absolutely people judge. They may be thinking you are selfish, or that you have a hard time getting pregnant or you are a practical person who doesn’t have the financial means to support more than one child. Whatever anyone else thinks is related to their own stories and none of your business.

And often people are just curious. Like me. If I see a set of twins I have a ton of questions. No, I have no interest how they were conceived, but if I did, that might be because I was having issues getting pregnant myself. You just never know, and shouldn’t guess, someone else’s intentions.

For mothers that get upset by the questions about their choices I’d ask, what is the thought that you are having that is causing the bad feeling? And I don’t mean the thought of “mind your own effing business”. I’m talking about getting to the heart of the (grey) matter, where you have made something up to mean you are “less than”, “wrong” or “missing something”.

One child / 10 children / IVF / adoption / sperm banks…..whatever your choices are, stand behind them and answer curiosity with kindness. Sure you could run across someone who intends on making you feel wrong. And the sooner you get comfortable with the idea that they are feeding their own needs and it has nothing to do with you, the better.

So that small change? Yes, it can have BIG impact. Just as soon as you check in with your thoughts and pick something more useful to think when you are feeling like things aren’t going your way.

Do the work. Make yourself your priority. You’re worth it.

Hugs, Vicky xxx

When Girl Groups Are Bad

Bullying is not always as clear cut as one person shoving another into the lockers. Or one screaming and publicly cussing out another. Bullying is often not visible to outsiders. Even if a teacher suspected destructive behaviour, they have limited resources when it comes to Girl Groups.

How do you even know the extent of destruction within a girl group if everything from the outside looks friendly and tightly meshed.

How would an adult begin to break down such a group when those girls will band together so tightly against outside attack?

Well this adult, me, knew what to do when she suspected her daughter was going up against the same monster. And the reason I could help is because I know it so well having experienced it for myself.

Before we got to high school we were bike riding, den building, dance choreographing pre-teens, not nearly equipped for our first year of high school.

I remember within the first days of high school my best friend coming up to me telling me she’d met these really great girls. They looked unfazed by high school, they knew older kids, they were confident and one even smoked. Although we hadn’t had our heads flushed down toilets yet, as we had been previously warned, there seemed some safety hanging out with these girls.

The group quickly formed to 6 of us. 4 of us came from one middle school, the other 2 from a different middle school. The other 2 would become the “leader” and “sidekick” of our group.

To start it was exciting. We’d be meeting up on weekends and then weekend nights. Soon there was 4 of us smoking and shortly after that we were buying bottles of wine to go to parties with.

Who knows when the group dynamics really started to set in. I suspect the games and manipulation started on day one.

The group had its “leader” (from now on lovingly referred to as L) and the leader had a trusty “sidekick” (we’ll call her SK). The other 4 of us were basically pawns.

One day there was a seemingly harmless joke made by L or SK about one of the girls. L laughs, SK laughs. The target of the joke laughs. The others laugh, I laugh. Maybe I laughed loudest that day and that earned me some extra attention. I have to admit it felt pretty good with L linking one arm and SK linking the other and them laughing with me like everything I say is “the best”. And that’s how the rest of the day would play out. I’d be the centre of attention and even the other 3 would fall in and find me hilarious. It was awesome.

The next day as I’d approach the group I could sense immediately a shift. Ready to be as entertaining and amazing as I was the day before I confidently struck up a conversation to be suddenly shot down and ridiculed, in front of everyone. What?!? What did I say? I don’t get it. The proverbial rug had been well and truly pulled from under my feet. What had I done?

I tried to gather intel from who I thought were my allies and figure out what I had done wrong but they reflected the frostiness of L and SK. I was well and truly OUT. And I’d spend the rest of the day trying to gain back some level of inclusion.

So, the next day, with my head hung a little lower than before I approach the group wondering what I will do today to try and get back in the good books. Immediately I am greeted enthusiastically. I am back IN. And I’m quickly encouraged to get on the bandwagon of freezing out one of the other 3 girls. I guiltily oblige.

At the relief of being out of the firing zone I have taken my first step in agreement of being able to make another girl feel like crap. Although it never feels right or good it does feel easier each time to ignore the feelings of this not being right because the feeling of being included does feel right and necessary to my well being.

Being on the OUT of the group means being within proximity of the group but knowing embarrassingly that you are not being included and that at any moment they may publicly humiliate you, or make you do something dumb, or just use you as entertainment by making fun of you and picking at everything you do.

So, why stay?

I stuck with the group for the better part of a school year. It felt so much longer. It was confusing and confusion is great at keeping you stuck.

How did I get here? Who are my real friends? Am I a bad person now? What did they mean by that? Is there something wrong with me? Nope, all is good today.

Eventually I could no longer handle the emotional roller coaster. Feeling humiliated and not knowing where I stood one day to the next had had its day.

A HUGE act of courage would have been to just leave the group by myself and figure out my next move as it happened. I didn’t do that but I do believe my next move was still very courageous for a 14 year old.

I trusted one of the other girls. I spilled my guts on how I was feeling and that I couldn’t stay like that. Would she leave the group with me?

I held my breath because everything I’d just said to her was “gold” in getting her up the ranks in the group and would definitely gain her a place on top for a week or more. And my life would have been hell.

She was as upset as me. We risked social annihilation and public humiliation and chose to leave the group anyway.

Our exit was thankfully anti-climactic but what it left me with was a knowing that I could stand up for myself and that people are not allowed to treat me like that. A life lesson that would serve me well always.

In addition to that I took responsibility for how I acted. L and SK played a masterful game but could not have executed without willing participants. I could not change the past but I could behave better in the future. I had created this particular result and I could create a better result for myself in the future.

So, when my daughter had the exact same experience I was able to fast track her understanding by firstly making her aware – taking her out of the confusion and self loathing – so she could decide for herself when she had had enough.

She took the same risk as me by confiding in one of the other girls. My daughter said the other girl was so relieved to hear that my daughter was going through the same thing. Together they decided to be united and ultimately left the group.

Their exit was not without drama and so the school got involved but not without some insistence. The Principal wanted to see the “drama” blow over.

I was upset for my daughter had to go through but felt no ill will to her L and SK.

L has leadership skills, SK has support skills. In “girl world” these could be a huge asset. Girls could definitely use the extra boosts to live bigger and bolder lives.

Unfortunately when fear raises it’s ugly head it can make good leaders in to fear driven mean leaders.

I’m sure my L and SK had a change in direction with some life experience behind them.

With a spotlight on mean moms social engineering their daughters lives it would seem that some mean girls grow into mean moms. Their intention may be to help their daughter avoid what they went through but acting with a fear mentality will never get us to a better place.

Kindness and inclusion are simple in theory but just like honesty take commitment, especially when you may risk your own popularity to honour it.

Girl groups can also be fantastic. And I have had that experience too. And there is just as much to learn from having great friends as there is from a not so great experience.

To all the good girlfriends out there. Keep up the great work and keep supporting each other.

Hugs, Vicky xx

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How Well Will I Survive with No Kids “Needing” Me?

I recently sent out a survey to moms of teens. I want to get insight into what women are struggling with in anticipation of this next stage in life.

When our children were young we marked time as “before we had kids” and “since having kids”. Soon time will be marked “when the kids were at home” and “since the kids left home”.

In the meantime there is also the grey area of the kids are home, but they hardly know we exist except to feed them, do their laundry and be their safety net if they screw up.

Women have been sharing very honest thoughts in my survey about this time of life. It brings up a lot of thoughts and emotions. And I wanted to process my own thoughts so I thought I’d answer my own survey and share with you my journey.

Q. How do you feel about this next stage in life? (w/ kids that can fend for themselves)

A. Such a mixed bag of emotions. My husband and I have already started planning our life when the kids are all old enough to be at college or home alone (youngest babe gets done Grade 12 in 8 years!!!) and that is exciting. On the other hand I’m acutely aware of my teenager and her ever growing independence. Thankfully they don’t change from snuggling, mommy centred kids to full grown adults with lives of their own over night. Instead it is a continual emotional readjustment to years of small tweaks that move our teens a little further out into the real world and away from our protective arms. I’m sensitive to the fact that I need to keep my opinions to myself about a mean friend so as not to frighten her off. Sometimes it feels like I’m approaching a deer and the wrong move will send her fleeing.

In an ideal world we will still have lots to do with them when they are living away from home and this makes it doubly exciting.

Q: How much do you think about this next stage in life?

A: Often

Q: How often do you think about making changes in your life?

A: Often

Q: What changes do you consider?

A: Lots of them, hee hee. What we eat. Where we live. Career wise I am slowly making changes to incorporate more of what I love – coaching. Our social life needs to get on the calendar before we fill it with other stuff. Get comfortable with camping – roughing it style. I grew up in the UK, nothing to be frightened of there. Canada has bears – I barely sleep in a tent.

Q: What motivates you into action?

A: If I think about changing where we live and moving more into coaching it has to be vision / daydreaming that motivates me, which means the great life I envision pulls me towards it. Sometimes though, when I’ve procrastinated for too long I get so frustrated with myself that I get moving. With the camping situation it has to be love that is motivating me. I personally could live without it but it’s part of my husbands dream and he has agreed to live in the South of France with me for a couple of months when we have independent kids so I am easing myself into camping now – it could be a long road.

Q: What stops you from making changes for you?

A: How I might affect others. Yes, I said it. I coach around this because it is such a limiting belief but I do suffer it too. Sometimes I think “who am I to have the life I am dreaming about 10 years out from now” which is dangerous territory because I NEVER want to stop moving towards that.

Fear stops me too. In my tracks. That’s when I find distracting and numbing things to do. I’m getting better at recognising that about myself and training myself to stick with the uncomfortable feeling – work in progress.

Q: Where might you be lacking confidence?

A: Crikey, where am I NOT lacking confidence? I’m trying to keep away from age reducing my circle of confidence in respect to trying new things. I’m confident where I’m comfortable but that is not where I want to stay. I think lacking confidence is not a problem as long as you are willing to work through it still to get to where you want to be. Lack of confidence can be expected, just like fear. It’s what you do with those emotions that matters.

Q: What would you do with a “magic wand for a day” to improve your life?

A: Oooohhh, what to do, what to do?!?! I’m wary of quick fixes because I believe in the value of the learning, however, I’d take that magic wand to reset my body clock. I’d love to get away with 6 hours sleep a night and get up at 5am bright eyed and ready to rock it. As it is 7am still doesn’t feel good to me and that’s even after 8 hours. Which leads back to knowing I need to change my eating habits and up my water intake. I’d use that magic wand to condition myself to drink my 8 glasses of water a day.

There’s a lot to be learned with self reflection. I feel we don’t check in with ourselves enough. It’s far easier to pick up our mobile devices and check in with others instead.

If you are willing, share your responses to these questions with me here.

Dream up some idea’s of what you can do for yourself when the kids don’t need you so much anymore. You’re worth it.

Vicky x

The 5 Lessons I Teach Constantly

I have 3 daughters. I’ve told them so many important lessons; don’t touch the hot stove, look both ways before crossing the street, don’t talk to strangers, don’t eat yellow snow – all the important stuff.

As they grow older I also try to advise them how not to be manipulated. How to respect yourself at a high school party. How to respectfully make a teacher listen that you didn’t understand the lesson. How to respectfully disagree.

We all know that with kids, teenagers especially, it’s in one ear and out the other. My best guess is that about 15% of what I tell them is retained and helps them navigate life.

Sooooooo, I wait for the really teachable moments. Right after they screwed up, got hurt, were deceived, were disappointed, were bullied, In talking to them in those moments I was able to give real teachable moments.

All 3 of my girls have been bullied, excluded, ridiculed and embarrassed in front of their peers. They’ve all been winded by surprising actions of people they thought they could trust. They’ve all encountered an adult who is difficult to find respect for.

I truly love these teaching moments. It feels like these are the true life lessons that will help them always. If they can get these lessons now they will hopefully be less hurt, or more self reflective and able to adeptly adjust. For we all know, as Oprah has told us, that lessons will keep coming around until you learn them.

Life can be painful to the slow learners

So, on to those lessons. And although these are what I teach my girls, they are every bit as important for us “grown up girls” too. I have had personal growth from each of these lessons.

  1. Reflect. What do you want in this situation?  If you are storming away from an argument, once you are calmer you’re probably able to say you didn’t want to crush the spirit of the other person, you just wanted to be heard. When you can reflect and understand “I want to be heard” then you can tackle the situation very differently. What doesn’t work is thinking “I want them to shut up, go away, be somebody else, do something else”, which leads to lesson 2.
  2. Personal responsibility. The ONLY person you can control is yourself. Blame eases the responsibility off your plate and on to the other persons. How much power to change the situation do you have once you’ve dumped that junk “over there”? It’s still there, but now you are just hoping that it bothers someone else enough that they’ll get rid of it for you. A tiresome procedure. What you can do right now is go back to lesson 1, reflect on what you want for you, and get into action.
  3. Do not try and guess other people’s intentions. Everyone has an agenda, whether it is full of kindness or full of self preservation, it is there. When my girls are devastated at the behaviour of others I consider this an important lesson. We don’t know the other persons full story. We don’t know what they need to do to feel good about themselves. It sure is wrong of them to take 5 other people and ridicule you in front of your class. Remember, that speaks more about who they are than who you are. Please, please, please don’t change who you are to try and make that person or group of people happy. It NEVER works. So, what’s a girl to do? Go back to lessons 1 and 2 (I told you these lessons get a lot of air time).
  4. When you feel bad you do bad. My girls are not always the “victims” (I’m careful when using this word because I never want them to feel powerless). They have unkind moments too. As I see them happen in family life I am able to take them aside and ask “what’s going on?”. When I do this with a feeling of, I’m checking in to see if you are ok because this isn’t like you, the relief and sadness that comes out is powerful. If I can teach them to notice when their impact is negative and reflect back to themselves then they grow and potentially the other person does too (certainly they’ll have a better interaction with my girls at the very least). If they are able to understand that they were behaving badly because they felt hurt, tired, hungry, threatened, undermined or just plain bitchy, then they could do a pretty quick re-adjust.
  5. Be kind. To everyone. Granted some people are harder to be kind to than others but we don’t know peoples stories. As my kids figure out the personal responsibility bit and wonder “shouldn’t everyone be responsible for their own actions?”, I tell them that is true but again remind them that they are only responsible for THEIR OWN behaviour and how they treat someone is up to them. I tell them they must still have their own boundaries, and while they are with someone they can still be kind, even if the kindest thing they can do is smile and tell them goodbye.

So, these are the 5 lessons I seem to be constantly teaching in my home. The biggest take away I want for my girls, myself, and people in general, is self awareness. You can’t change what you don’t know is there.

Even a simple change in perspective can have huge impact.

Self discovery and development!!!! I seriously love this stuff!!

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4 Hours in the Car with my Teen – Part 2

Following on from my previous post here, in which I have my teen daughter in the car with me with nowhere else to go for a few hours and I started up a conversation about her grades, I dug deeper with our conversation, in which she surprisingly willingly participated, which brings us to this installment of what she discovered by using one of my coaching tools.

My teen has seen my coaching paraphernalia around. It was actually a timely question when she asked me about a week prior to our talk what the “being and doing” part of the system means.

She used every ounce of focus to listen (because I’m sure she regretted asking as soon as it was out of her mouth) as I described that who you are and who you are being should precede, in most cases, what you are doing. My example to her was, “a vegan should probably not be working in a chicken slaughtering plant” – I really do wonder sometimes where my creativity goes at times like this!!! I think she was more grossed out by the example than getting the point of it. Oh well, I’m sure I’ll get a do over soon enough. I think at the very least she understands I want, so much, for her to line up what she does in the world with who she truly is.

Back to the car ride.

She conveniently had pen and paper at hand so I decided we would do a Wheel of Life exercise.

wheel of life

I asked her to draw the circle and label the outside with the headings of the things that were important to her. For her it was family, friends, relationship, swimming, school, health and appearance, fun, hobbies (writing, drawing, singing, music).

I explained how to mark them from 1-10 and also made sure she understood that marking a 3 in friends didn’t mean they were bad friends, it might mean that something isn’t working in that segment, like time with friends, or communication with friends. I wanted her to be clear that there is no judgement on anyone or anything regardless of what number she assigned. What I do know about teenagers is they are fiercely protective of their people and things and I did not want her being cautious about sharing. I’m very aware she only knows me as her mother and not a coach so she doesn’t know the experience of me as unattached to the “why”, only to what will help her learn about herself.

I’m driving still so I’m not overlooking her progress but I honestly think it wouldn’t have made a difference. She was very involved in her own experience. She was interested in her own discoveries.

Once she was done we started the next part of the conversation:

Me:        “What area has a low mark that you would like to see improve immediately?”

Maddi:  “My hobbies.” (this is not what I thought she would pick but I had zero attachment to her choice)

Me:        “What number do you have your hobbies at?”

Maddi:  “A number 2”

Me:        “What does a number 2 look like?” (tee-hee-hee she was so into her experience here she missed the funny)

Maddi:  “I think about doing one of my hobbies but I run out of time and I never spend any time doing any of them.”

Me:        “And how does that feel?”

Maddi:  “Not good cos those things make me happy and some of the other distractions don’t make me happy”

We continued to discover what a number 5 would look like and even a number 9. 10 seemed a bit elusive to her (and that’s a whole different coaching session – haha).

She came to a conclusion about something I have been on her case about since December.

She has decided for herself that this is an important elimination in order for her to make time and space for something that she couldn’t previously pinpoint was missing.

She has declared her hobbies as a “must have” in her life. She has a better understanding for her need for a creative outlet.

She is hitting different and much better milestones than I hit at her age. I didn’t declare what was important for me and so I let others decide for me and I went along with the group…….and that is a whole other story.

So, back in December, for the holidays, we relented and got Maddi an iPhone.

She cried.

She was so excited that at 13 ½ years old she could FINALLY be like all (I’m sure not really) her friends and be able to communicate with the world like a “regular human teenager” via text (cos she still doesn’t actually speak to anyone on the phone).

It was the best of times. It was the worst of times. Sigh. For the last 5 months that damn phone has been the biggest issue in our house!!

Anyways, the icing on the cake, for me, was when she says she wants help setting boundaries around her phone. She feels trapped in needing to respond when she sees someone has messaged her or else she thinks she will offend them.

She finally understands that she is responding to other peoples agendas.

She knows how limited her time is (she is a competitive swimmer so is in the pool up to 9 times a week) and she wants time for EVERYTHING that is important to her.

She doesn’t underestimate what a hold the phone and the social interactions have over her. She has asked for my help.

She has done the hard work of going inward and really discovering what she wants in her life right now. And showing a continued commitment to what she wants will require work also. I know how easy it is to mindlessly get sucked into my iPad or TV watching and then regretting how I spent that time. I have had whole Saturdays lost doing mindless useless stuff that I didn’t want to be doing.

If she can get used to redirecting herself this way it will be a gift always. She can shift her attention, intention and direction whenever she chooses. And I hope she chooses often because it’s way too easy to get into a busy rut and forget where you actually wanted to be heading. Can you relate? I know I can.

If I can teach her this, and she uses it often, then I’ll be happy……..for a short time at least. Look, I’m her mother and there are so many more lessons I want her to learn.

After a period of silence in the car she turns to me and says “you know, I hate when we have these talks, but then it’s always really great in the end.”

Me:        “Well, if you’d just stop resisting and LISTEN to me we could have your life signed, sealed and delivered with a pretty bow – now wouldn’t that feel great” is what I wanted to say – but didn’t. I know when NOT to push my luck.

Momma really does know best.

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How to Make the Most out of 4 Hours in the Car with my Teen, part 1

We had an almost 4 hour drive ahead of us to get home. We’d travelled up from Toronto to Sudbury the day before just the 2 of us to see her 2 sisters compete in a swim meet.

I consider myself a very dedicated mother but if my teen had declined to come on this journey with me I think I would have skipped the 8 hours alone in the car, despite my low level anxiety for my 8 year old on her first “team travel” meet.

I really like my teen (so far). She triggers me FAST when she smart mouths me but on the whole she ain’t hitting the worrisome milestones I had already hit by her age so, for now, it’s mostly calm waters, and I like that.

Over the weekend she must have given her dad a test result that needed signing and returning to school. A test with a REALLY bad mark. Naturally her dad told me about it.

Now, I have a knack of taking information and running way into the future with it. I have a look around there and by the time I return to the present I have a whole load of lessons that need learning NOW so she doesn’t end up in that bleak place from which I have just returned. And, I know she doesn’t want to hear my wisdom, so, I freak out a little bit.

We are about an hour into the car ride when I ever so casually bring up;

“So…….What’s going on with your grades?”

I’ll spare you the pulling of teeth conversation that followed but which was started with “I dunno”.

My teen is the child that resists me coaching her. I am a certified life coach and she resists most things that are going to stir up emotion – making me need to exercise A LOT of self-restraint. At home she is very slippery because when a conversation heads in a direction that will bring up some emotion she can get up and leave the room. She can suddenly “neeeeed” to go to the washroom (who can argue with that?!). She can suddenly remember really important homework that needs doing (again, who am I to argue?!). She’s getting good at throwing me off her trail. #teentalents

She has been able to do, for a few years, what so many of us adults have mastered – avoiding the deep and difficult stuff – the emotional stuff – the important stuff. We’ll just deal with it later……right?!?

She is familiar with the art of numbing and distraction already. Yes, this REALLY bugs the shit out of me.

However, she was now a captive in our little enclosure on wheels.

Truth is, if someone does not want coaching then coaching should not be done. Only those who really want something to change will be open to the kind of conversation that can transform. But this is my daughter and I’ll keep showing up with as many resources as I have to help her keep learning and growing.

I could have gone the route that a school would and made some sort of growth plan with her, but would she stick to it???? Not likely!! I decided she needed to go deeper than that.

Me:        “What’s important to you?”

Maddi:  “My grades”

Me:        “How important?”

Maddi:  “OMG, sooo important, you don’t know how I worry, how I try and organize…….etc, etc”

Me:        “What else is important to you?”

We continue in a similar fashion. She tells me family, friends, swimming, animals, singing, drawing, writing are all very important to her.

I spend time going deeper into the things she says are important to her. I want her to do what she resists most – to FEEL why they are important to her. I want her to experience the happiness when she talks about them. Or where there is a lack of happiness and potentially some stress.

My usually resistant daughter is taking a long hard look at stuff that actually matters to her.

It turns out that something that is really important to her is not getting the time and attention it deserves. It has clearly shown its face and it cannot be ignored.

In the next installment I’ll tell you how I helped her get to such an important realization and what she is willing to do about it.

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Don’t be a victim in your own life

Lesson to my kids:

 

DON’T BE A VICTIM IN YOUR OWN LIFE.

 

My daughter does not read books. It drives me nuts. She struggles at school but it is not due to a lack of effort. IF SHE WOULD JUST READ, it would increase her comprehension so much. We all know this.

 

So, I kind of lost my plot on her when I found out that a book that she started at the end of June still isn`t finished!!!

 

Her response started with puppy dog eyes and a furrowed brow saying `but I don`t have time mom`.

 

A bit of a back story on her is that on top of school she has quite a bit of homework, and as I said, academia doesn`t come easy so it can be a longish process, plus she is a competitive swimmer so she is in the pool upto 9 times a week. She LOVES swimming and she puts in the effort to make this all work. So, when she pulled that line on me I agreed and sympathised with her for a second.

 

I TOTALLY BOUGHT INTO HER STORY.

 

But really, where could we possibly go from that belief?

 

After I left her a little while to cool off, because the discussion didn`t end with her little statement, I then challenged her and it resulted in a lot of head wagging and snarky looks (her, not me, promise), we automatically found the point where we should part company temporarily.

 

Anyways, once the tension was broken I pointed out to her that when she has a victim mentality of having `not enough` free time she runs the risk of making choices from a reactionary perspective and as far as I could see there would be the danger of making a bad choice.

 

However, if she changed her perspective to one that she has a full life doing the swimming she loves and getting well deserved results from school because of the effort she puts in, then she is in a far more powerful position to handle her time and outcomes.

 

I saw in her face what this change in perspective did for her. She seemed to become taller right in front of me. She instantly appreciated everything she has. Sure she is busy and she loves it. This perspective had her focus on what she has and not on what she doesn`t.

 

So, what are the chances that that lesson sank in and we won`t be here again?

How could vulnerability be a good thing?

So, if we met in person and we got talking you’d find I’m an open, friendly person and I don’t particularly edit myself. I’ve lived well, made silly mistakes, done dumb stuff, done great stuff, but there’s nothing shady so I’m quite the open book.

Except, I’d feel really awful if I cried in front of you. I’m totally happy if you cry in front of me. I’d be a great comfort. I might even cry with you – and this in my mind is different.

I’m quite empathetic to other people’s emotions and quite fine with that. I get the happy side too, I’ll grin like a Cheshire cat when others are showing joy.

However, I did something out of my comfort zone, which I advocate to all – the comfort zone part…and the crying in the woods if you like, and have posted this video describing my minor breakdown (see link below).

And it is minor. I get that this is not a big issue, but posting it is giving me a stomach ache, so I’m going to say bye for now and watch if you want.

Much love,

Me  xx  (a.k.a Vicky)

Vulnerability-crying in the woods

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