Self-awareness

I’m A Little Scared

It scares me to think I could so easily live this same year 10 more times. Be in the same place in 10 years from now!

It won’t be exactly the same. Kids may have moved out. They may have moved back. We’ll probably have different cars.

But what if I’m the same?? What if I’m still so outwardly focused on my kids and hubby that I’m still keeping my deepest desires packed tightly away?

Because it’s so easy to keep away from focusing on ourselves. If there isn’t someone to feed or generally be there for then we have our handheld gadgets.

When our minds start to daydream, maybe about ourselves visiting a place in the world we want to know more about, or hanging a piece of art that we are so proud of doing ourselves, or finishing a course that will allow us to get a different job, these thoughts are wonderful.

It sucks though when we trail off from the daydream and talk reality with ourselves. The pain of not having those things or not knowing how to get those things are the thoughts we want to, and can easily eradicate.

Just pick up a smart phone.

Facebook, Instagram, You Tube, Online Games……..they’re all there ready to take away our pain.

When I don’t like where my mind is going it has become instinctual to reach for my phone and scroll Instagram. I feel like I was given an extreme version of the gift of keeping myself away from discomfort.

The feed of mind numbing pictures never runs out. What sweet relief.

It will keep my mind busy until I have a purpose again like cooking for the family or driving to pick someone up.

And here’s the problem. Whenever my mind is being numbed to avoid dealing with yucky thoughts, it can’t come up with those coaching questions that will get my booty into gear to get moving forwards.

What’s important to me?

What small thing can I do to move forward today?

It takes conscious effort to think this way and have results.

But this thinking doesn’t come naturally. It takes trained effort for it to become habitual. And you can do it!

Decide now on the habit you will form over the next few weeks to keep you off your electronics and in your life so you can figure out what you need to do next to get you closer to a dream of yours.

Keep if light, keep it simple, keep it achievable.

Naturally, I would recommend having a life coach help you quickly get your thoughts and feelings straight – call me :), but you can do it by yourself too.

Do the thought work. You’re worth it.

Hugs,

Vicky xxx

Going For It

I’m thinking to myself, if I don’t sign up and the spots fill up and I miss a spot I’m going to be so disappointed.

Anticipating the feeling of disappointing I get straight on that website, fill in all my info and credit card details and eagerly and happily hit the “pay now” button.

I’m signed up. I’m so excited. I call and tell my hubby. I’m giggly. I tell a few friends.

I put the phone down and I sit down, I notice I’ve been pacing. I’m starting to feel a bit sick. Oh my, should I put my head between my knees? Should I run for the washroom. I’m not feeling so good. What have I done?????

When I tell you what got me so riled up and excited enough to sign up and then anxious and frightened enough to feel ill you’ll probably think “what’s the big deal?” For me though it’s a bit out of my comfort zone and, more than that, if this doesn’t go well it could set back a big, HUGE, dream that has been simmering in me for years.

So, what did I do?

I signed up as a crafter at 2 shows!!!

I’m not a crafter!

The life coach in me is already trying to coach me around that last statement, but right now I need to profess my non-craftiness as a safety net. A soft landing space just in case I put my heart and soul into making products that i think people will love and then……nothing. People take a cursory glance, offer a kind smile, and keep on going. Oh the despair.

I’m not sure where this all started.

Was it in my mid thirties when I went from owning about 5 books to now owning well over 200? Why the sudden need to learn? The book store became my new fave place to spend a quiet hour.

Was it when I started looking into psychology, originally because I was interested in the thoughts and processes of people in general and especially so in my 3 girls? I ultimately studied and certified as a life coach. Which was life changing for me and people around me as a result of what I learned.

Was it the evidence that having a destination makes for purposeful and gainful action, which ultimately took me to the enormous planner community? Which has amazing stationery products!! And c’mon – stationery – it’s just awesome!!!

So a slight refinement of my dream to have a book store with a life coaching component, which now is expanding to include stationery, of which many of the products will be of my own creation, brings me to where I am now….

…with the stationery designer / producers version of writers block!!

I went from having fun with creativity to suddenly having no idea what to make. And I need to make A LOT (y’know, just in case people like what I’ve got to offer). I’ll get over it with a bit of self-coaching.

So, I’m officially putting a stake in the ground and proclaiming this the start of my journey in chasing my dream.

It could be long. It will likely get ugly.

But more than anything it’s important that I go for it. It certainly won’t happen any other way.

If you want to keep tabs on my journey and the self-coaching I do on myself to keep my head in the game then make sure to subscribe.

Also, think about what dream you’d like to be going after. Put it in the comments as your first step in going for it.

You’re so worth it.

Hugs, Vicky xxxxx

What You Think Matters

What do you think about swimming in a deep dark lake?

The water is cool and refreshing. It’s deep so the “seaweed” is a long way down, but it’s down there. The snapping turtles tend to stay by the docks but the 3′ long Muskie with their razor sharp teeth that slant to the backs of their mouths so they hook what they bite swim freely.

When I describe the lake like that I’m surprised any of us get into it, but we do. Hours of fun swimming and tubing off the back of the boat.

My 10 and almost 12 years old are competitive swimmers. It’s off season but on Monday they wanted to get a workout done. We were at the cottage so their only option was the lake.

Stay with me, there’s a thinking trick we will all benefit from.

So, off we peddled on the paddle boat to a “safe” spot about 100′ from shore where the weeds were too deep to be seen. After some nervous chatter and a count down they were in.

I’m so impressed, they’re off and I’m starting to feel a little panicked because I want to keep the paddle boat right up beside them because a) my babies are in the lake without their life jackets on, and did I mention the lake is deep and dark, and b) there are other boats on the lake and swimmers are practically invisible to them, but they’re really fast.

Lake Swim

So, I’m peddling like mad, sweat starting to form on my brow and run down my back, my legs are burning and I’m swaying my body back and forth just to try and get some power behind my failing legs, when all of a sudden they stop.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Hang on, what happened to the workout? These kids do anywhere from 2000m to 7000m daily and we’ve gone about 20 strokes.

I’m going somewhere with this, I promise.

Last year our one daughter won a race across this. same. lake. And we got to keep the trophy for a whole year as proof!! So, what’s holding her back now?

She said it was different, because there were lots of other people doing the race too.

Here’s where I get excited – there’s a teachable moment here.

So, let’s fast forward past all the stopping, starting, negotiating, complaining, panting, sweating, muttering, cursing……and the kids were doing some starting, stopping and negotiation of their own too.

On land I got out some paper and pens and got to work on having them question their thinking.

Firstly they acknowledged they didn’t meet their goal of getting a good swim workout done. I then broke it down into questions for them.

What actions did you take that got you this result?

What feelings caused these actions?

What thoughts caused these feelings?

So now they were examining what happened and what got them there. The result they got was starting and stopping and ultimately giving up on their workout. The feelings that caused their actions were fear – of what was in the water. The thoughts they were having was that something might touch them and then they’d panic.

The next set of questions were:

What is a more helpful thought you could have?

How will this help you achieve a better result next time?

When we get off autopilot, our brains reeeeeaaallllly like autopilot by the way, we can be aware of our thoughts and – here’s the great part – change them!!!

I use this technique so much now.

So, next time you aren’t getting the results you want, work it backwards:

What ACTIONS are you taking?

What FEELINGS are behind the actions (or lack of actions)?

What THOUGHTS are causing those feelings?

The deeper you can go and the more honest you can be with yourself the more gold you will find. And when you know better, you can do better.

Give it a try (or 10), you are worth it.

Hugs, Vicky xx

Danger, Extreme Heat and 135 Miles – Oh my!!

Woah! About 3 minutes ago (it feels like) I was writing to you about planning and having a great summer. It’s now the end of July!!!

July flew by for me and with great reason. It was pretty epic.

We were in one of the most spectacularly stunning places. In heat I’ve never experienced before. To support my hubby who was running the Badwater 135 which is a 135 mile run starting at Badwater basin and goes across Death Valley, over 3 mountains, with temps of around 122F / 50F with winds that were even hotter. A freakishly hard race.

My job in all of this was to be one of his 4 support crew. As support crew we stopped every 2 miles during the race to change my hubby’s fluids – making sure he kept drinking – and keeping them iced up (after 2 short miles a bottle filled with ice came back really warm), also changing his head gear and neck scarf to new freshly cooled ones.

A huge part of our job was keeping him cool. Another huge part was keeping him hydrated, sunscreened and feeling well. We also tended to his blisters, aching muscles and ran or walked with him to keep him on pace, which ended up being for almost 90 miles as he had a very unexpected failing of his quads and the last 90 miles were anywhere from very painful to excruciating for him.

We’d prepare food and encourage him to eat – you’d think he’d be ravenous and craving calories but when you are exerting yourself that much you don’t have much of an appetite – keeping his calories up was an important job.

We had to keep everything on ice. Chap sticks would melt in record time.

There were no small jobs, especially as we were also having to keep ourselves healthy, hydrated, sunscreened, cool and nourished – a flailing crew member would have meant more work for the rest of the crew.

So, to say I had some anxiety about this race beforehand was an understatement. Had i spent enough time in the sauna heat training? Had I ran / walked enough hills? Was I in good enough shape to do my share of the pacing? Could I drink enough fluids to stay hydrated in the desert (apparently 4 litres if you were just sitting around!)? I had read all the warnings in the park? I had read about heat stroke and hyponatremia (drinking TOO MUCH water). I had enough information and not enough experience to feel like this race was a huge and daunting responsibility and risk to my husband and crew if I did anything wrong.

So, why so epic?

Take a look at what I experienced:

Badwater1

Badwater2

The views were stunning! And the sunset! And the moon rising! And the stars!

But more than that, 97 incredible athletes and their crews, from all around the world, came together and became part of something REALLY BIG. A great adventure. And it was fantastic.

Even my hubby who was in immense pain never wanted this race to end. We all got to experience this amazing National Park in slow motion.

When do we get to experience anything in slow, purposeful motion anymore?!

Here we are at the finish line. An athlete that had to dig deeper than he has ever had to before, and put his body, and even more so his mind, to the test in order to finish this gruelling race. And a crew that believed in him 100% and worked for 35 hours straight (not including the day of prep) to help get him to that finish line.

Badwater3

This was our view at the finish line at Mt. Whitney Portal as we ate burgers, sipped soda’s and beers and dozed in the mid-day sun which was much kinder on us at 8000ft than at sea level.

Badwater4

And here’s me and hubby after the race where we are stood quite awkwardly because I am trying to stay as far away from his poor aching, bllstered feet as possible.

So, August, you’ve got something special to live up to!!

Let’s get our thinking caps on.

And what about you? Where is your next adventure?

Put your mind to it and make yourself a plan. You’re worth it.

Hugs, Vicky xxxx

Have You Thought of This For Your Weekend?

Are you a planner? Your weekend is sacred. You have lots you want to get done. The necessities such as groceries, laundry, cleaning, etc. And also lots of the good stuff – enjoying time with people or by yourself, doing activities that make you happy and refueled for the week ahead.

Orrrrr…… are you more of a work in progress, like me.

It took me until my late 20’s to figure out that New Years Eve did NOT have to be the best night of the year. So much pressure. Making sure we were going to the best events with our fave people with so much anticipation of what the evening had to live up to.

Weekends don’t need that pressure.

What that period of time needs, from 5pm on Friday until bedtime on Sunday, is some loving attention.

I’ve spent many a weekend going with the flow. No stress. Easy. Not so bad.

Not so great either.

Eventually a restlessness and impatience takes over me and I don’t understand my tetchiness.

I have learned that, for me, I cannot go very long without purposefully planning something great for me. The family usually benefits too.

So much to do, so little time……..

A great place to start is to answer “how do I want to feel by the end of the weekend?”

Sometimes I want to feel happily exhausted – a physically exhausting day hiking somewhere beautiful followed by flopping on a big comfy couch with take-out and a glass of wine (or a cup of hot chocolate, depending on the season).

Sometimes I want to feel sophisticated – like a day of shopping followed by dinner with friends at a great restaurant.

Sometimes I want it to feel very relaxed and outdoorsy – a bbq with family and friends, or a picnic in a park.

The key is to connect to yourself first and listen to what you want. Then to find a way to include it into your weekend.

So, for this weekend, why not plan it to go in the direction you choose and make it perfect for you?

Do the work. You’re worth it.

Hugs, Vicky x

How to Get Control of Your Feelings

I have let feelings run me for the last couple of weeks. In this case, it was a bad idea.

Why a bad idea?

Because my thoughts were running the show, unsupervised, like a toddler with scissors, not meaning to cause harm but….

I’m not even talking about “big feelings”. I don’t have a major crisis going on right now. No. My feelings are small everyday ones and they have been a bit debilitating.

Feelings of tiredness, crankiness, doubt, overwhelm, “should do’s”, guilt, shame, avoidance, discouragement, all resulted in too much Facebook time (a.k.a numbing), no progress in my business, overeating, wanting to sleep more, being gossipy and believing myself when I excuse my behaviour and convince myself it is self care when I don’t get the work done, AGAIN.

A minor blip in my landscape, I get it, but it didn’t feel good and it took me away from being me, and from creating my future.

For the past few years I have been mindful of my thoughts and actions and it has been life changing. Prior to this change I suspect I spent months and maybe even years in a haze of indecisiveness and confusion, self inflicted, even self serving, but so stifling and little to no forward movement.

And so I have learned that feelings should not be left to their own devices. Unchallenged. Unexamined. No, no, no.

We need to be aware that it is our thoughts that cause our feelings.

It was 2 weeks of basically feeling “I’m not good enough to do this” which was caused by what I was thinking.

Thank goodness!!! Because my thoughts, I can do something about that!!

For the last 2 mornings I have returned to visioning and affirmations being the first things I do when I wake up. It replaces waking up and thinking “what do I need to do today? I don’t think there’s much point though.”

Only I am aware of the crazy insane mess that lives inside my head and only I am responsible for cleaning it up. Same goes for you and what’s going on inside your head.

Try it. Pick a negative feeling you have about a relative. I’m guessing you believe your feelings about this person is their fault and something they are doing.

Let’s imagine your mother-in-law makes snide comments about your parenting. Whatever you feel about that is coming from YOUR thinking. If you and I were in the exact same situation, we would both feel, and therefore act, differently about it.

You cannot control another person or guess what their thinking is behind their actions – that’s their own cleaning job, should they choose to accept it. Once you understand that it is your own thinking causing your feelings, you are “response-able” to change it. If you want to that is.

Sometimes we don’t want to change our thoughts because we want to be mad at them, but be aware that this is a thought and decision also.

When you do want to feel differently, you will have to think differently.

Easy peasy? Well……that depends how you think about it ;).

Do the work. You are worth it.

Hugs, Vicky xx

Make This Small Change and Watch How Your Day Gets Better

Blog2-May 12 It’s a small change. Not necessarily an easy change. What I’m suggesting you do is change your mind.

Your thoughts are what get you in to (or out of) trouble.

I got “coached” this morning by my teenager because the theme of the week in our house has been, “pay attention to what you are thinking”. When I made a suggestion to her she responded with “I was just doing that” then came “seriously”. Apparently the “seriously” was to her sister and not to me – likely story – so I was being reminded of my own words after I pulled her up on her rudeness. I’m not loving the teenage ability to spin a story to be unprovable!!!

I’ve been hearing a lot of negativity coming out of my girls recently. The other day it felt really personal when my youngest complained that I spend longer saying goodnight to her sister than I do with her. Ouch!! I immediately started thinking “I’m a bad mom, I’m damaging my child, she’s going to need a life coach of her own in a few years to move forward from “mommy issues”, am I really being neglectful?” The thing is, she wasn’t wrong.

Thankfully, on this particular night I wasn’t counting down the moments until I could face plant my pillow so I was able to give her a chance to look at how she was thinking.

Firstly, a little back story. Me and my youngest daughter (the one feeling duped at bedtime) spend A LOT of time together. We have 3 girls and they are all competitive swimmers. The 2 eldest swim at the same time, same pool. The youngest different times, different pools. So, my husband and I divide and conquer. I get to pick my youngest up from school, we do homework together, she helps me cook, we chat during our car rides (she’s at the pool 5 times a week), and I watch a good portion of her swimming once I’ve done my own runs.

So, I brought her attention to the fact that if she is focusing her thoughts on herself getting “less than”, she will find the evidence of this. Of course she will find it, we have 2 other children that need our attention also. I told her what I wanted her to try was having the thought of “my mom and dad are always there when I need or want them.”

I don’t expect her thoughts and behaviour to change immediately. This particular 10 year old won’t remember the conversation, never mind the new thought process, so it will take some reminders and variations for her to benefit from this new thought process. But if she nails it she will be looking for evidence of love and abundance, instead of lacking and “poor me”.

Another example I found on this recently was a conversation I was having with a friend. We were talking about only children. I am an only child, so when she shared her experience of feeling judged when people would question her choice of having “just one”, for a split second I bought in. Absolutely people judge. They may be thinking you are selfish, or that you have a hard time getting pregnant or you are a practical person who doesn’t have the financial means to support more than one child. Whatever anyone else thinks is related to their own stories and none of your business.

And often people are just curious. Like me. If I see a set of twins I have a ton of questions. No, I have no interest how they were conceived, but if I did, that might be because I was having issues getting pregnant myself. You just never know, and shouldn’t guess, someone else’s intentions.

For mothers that get upset by the questions about their choices I’d ask, what is the thought that you are having that is causing the bad feeling? And I don’t mean the thought of “mind your own effing business”. I’m talking about getting to the heart of the (grey) matter, where you have made something up to mean you are “less than”, “wrong” or “missing something”.

One child / 10 children / IVF / adoption / sperm banks…..whatever your choices are, stand behind them and answer curiosity with kindness. Sure you could run across someone who intends on making you feel wrong. And the sooner you get comfortable with the idea that they are feeding their own needs and it has nothing to do with you, the better.

So that small change? Yes, it can have BIG impact. Just as soon as you check in with your thoughts and pick something more useful to think when you are feeling like things aren’t going your way.

Do the work. Make yourself your priority. You’re worth it.

Hugs, Vicky xxx

Don’t Let $100 Upset Your Inner Critic

What if I said you could be getting an extra $100 per week?

Easy money……..yes please!!!!!

Nobody said easy, but it is possible to earn an extra $100 per week. There is something that you can do that other people can’t do or aren’t willing to do and would be happy to pay you for.

If you understand numbers there are a slew of solopreneurs that need what you know.

If you are crafty, there is a huge market of people wanting pretty things that don’t know how to make it for themselves.

In the last 24 hours alone I’ve heard of one woman earning money auditioning for voice overs from her home and another whose artwork was discovered on Fiverr and was commissioned for more expensive pieces ($20K’s worth – wow).

If you can sew, cook, walk dogs, have an eye for fashion, or a green thumb, then there are people that will pay you for what you can do for them.

Wait. I can’t hear you over the barrage of reasons that are going off in my head right now as to why I COULDN’T POSSIBLY do such a thing. Do you hear it too?

Some are aggressive ‘YOU DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THAT”, some are dismissive “there’s people already doing this”, some are mocking, “as if I could really do that!”

Thoughts like that keep you right where you were to start. If it’s easy money I’M IN, otherwise I’m afraid I’ll have to pass.

That Inner Critic voice would get you on the other side too if you start dreaming of how you could spend that extra $100 per week.

If you even think about spending that extra money on anything other than bills, debt repayment or on the kids then that voice will get really hoity.

“But I really want to buy something for myself.” “Maybe the next $100.”

Thoughts create actions so make sure your Inner Critic doesn’t get to run around like a toddler with a knife. Kindly disarm the Critic and continue with what you were doing. Check out my other posts on this subject (including some suggestions on how to deal with your Critic) here, here, here and here.

You truly can have more of what you want in your life.

You just have to handle your Inner Critic and go for it. You’re worth it.

Hugs, Vicky xx

What Do I Do When It Feels Like My Inner Critic Is Telling The Truth?

Sneaky little devil. That Inner Critic can be so smooth in its approach. When it tells you that you don’t have the time / money / qualifications it is just soooo easy to agree with it and go back to what you were doing.

I recently got an injury that took me out of a running race so I hesitantly decided to train for a triathlon this summer instead. I would love to say I’m a born athlete but if I’m honest this whole endeavor is vanity based. If I don’t have a race to train for I will absolutely, without a doubt, do NOTHING. And with the way I hock back food, doing nothing is a bad plan.

So, to get back into triathlon training, I have the run covered but I need to get back into the water and on a bike. I have had to battle my inner critic on these.

A few years ago my neighbours daughter had to teach me how to do front crawl, so you can imagine what thoughts come up when I think about getting in the water.

I also feel like a weak rider who would never ever consider taking a hand off my handle bars to take a drink, I grip those handle bars like my life depends on it. So, again, the inner critic asks me “what am I thinking going out on the roads with a bike?”

So, here’s what my inner critic has tried to throw at me so far:

You don’t have time to train in 3 sports. You look awful in a swimsuit. You’ll have to wear nose plugs and look silly. You should only go on your bike at 6am when no cars are around. You’ll probably fall off your bike at least once. You could get hit by a car. Is this really worth it? You’ll be last in the swim, it may not be worth it.

There are some legitimate concerns there. Hard to argue with time crunching and getting crunched by a car. So, how do I differentiate between inner critic and being realistic?

The easiest answer is, my inner critic makes nervous statements with no room for inquiry. My inner critic is not open for a discussion on the matter. It’s purpose is to get me back in my safe space asap.

If I were being realistic I would take the time to ask questions, look for solutions, and then decide, as neutrally as possible, what the outcome should be.

There is very little in life we can truly control. It’s true I could get hit by a car (especially as to how close they drive by me) and I have chosen a low traffic time to train. Although I cannot control the outcome of my biking on the road, I can choose to take realistic precautions and not let this limit what I want to do.

So, the next time you are tempted to believe you inner critic when it reasons with you as to why you can’t go after what you want, make sure to bring out curious questions that will look for solutions. Give yourself the gift of having a lot more information at hand before you believe what your inner critic is telling you. You are worth it.

Hugs, Vicky xx

You 1 – Mean Girl 0

The mean girl we are talking about is the one in your own head. Also known as Inner Critic, Saboteur or Gremlin.

It actually feels a little unfair to refer to the voice in my head as a mean girl. I’ve experienced a real life mean girl and she humiliated me, laughed at me, ganged up on me and conspired to make me feel small.

I don’t relate that to the voice in my head. Sure she can be loud and unkind, however, I feel her motivation is in my best interest.

I lived blissfully unaware of my Inner Critic for most of my life. It wasn’t until I trained as a Life Coach that the bubble burst – which was ultimately a good thing. Before this I believed what I was telling myself and led a relatively safe life. I enjoyed variety in my life but I wasn’t pursuing my dreams and ambitions.

My Inner Critic had no problem with me training and getting certified as a Life Coach. I have a passion for psychology and feel extremely capable in this role. However, when I decided to make a business of Life Coaching my Inner Critic has been a constant companion ever since.

Even as I write this post I have a running commentary telling me that nobody will read this far, that I’m not getting my point across very well and that nobody is interested in what I have to say. True or not, the commentary is of no help to me.

So, I created a printable worksheet which is part of my free Spring Clean Your Life program that is running through April. You can learn more about it here.

Check out the worksheet to get more acquainted with your Inner Mean Girl so you can better handle her and go after what is important to you.

Tame that Inner Critic and you’ll be surprised by the results. The trick is that you first have to recognize her. She will seduce you with reasons you should stay where you are, or make you believe you are incapable but use the worksheet to get to the truth, because your Inner Mean Girl / Critic is a little (lot) loose with the truth.

I’d love to hear how you are getting on. Come and share in the Facebook group.

Hugs, Vicky xxx

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