life coaching

Having a Sweet ’16?

We have tipped into the second half of 2016.

And as I hang out in the Northern Hemisphere it is now summer – yeah!!!!

But first, how was the first half of the year for you?

Glad it’s over? Meh? The usual? Fabulous?

Well, here’s what I’m suggesting….. let’s aim higher – a lot higher – than “Meh” and “the usual”.

Let’s take a resounding stand for making July and August “the best e.verrrrr” (and yes, it was meant to sound a bit teenager-ish, why should they have all the fun?!)

And why only July and August?

Firstly, for us Northerners it’s SUMMERTIME and I for one am extremely excited because I’m in Canada and come September summer is slinking away already.

And, secondly, September feels like the start of a New Year what with school going back and, like I mentioned before, colder days rolling in, so at that time I’ll be rolling out a super sweet planning session for those last few months of the year so we can finish this year of the Sweet ’16 like Superstars!! Put your name in the running for Superstardom here and I’ll let you know when the planning session is ready to get a-planning.

But for now we will focus on July and August.

What do you want to get out of the next 55 days?

I want to be well rid of my hermit shell of winter and socialize tons. I want to enjoy early summer mornings and eat breakfast on the deck. I want lazy days where we, as a family, lay around with our heads propped up on each others backs and in a house with 4 females, we braid hair until we are tired of it. I want to be a tourist in my own city of Toronto. I want to show up ready and fully present to crew an epic ultra marathon my husband is running – Badwater 135. I want to improve my style and get some new clothes – it’s long over due. I want to prepare and eat lots of summer foods – bbq’s, fruits and salads.

So, no major goals for me, but a series of small ones that will feel like a summer well lived.

What will it be for you? Write it down. Keep it close by. Read it often. If you don’t read it often you will forget about what is inspiring you right now and you’ll let “the usual” take over.

If you don’t want to get to August 31 and report back to me that July and August were just “the usual” or “meh” then you have to put your attention on what you do want and take action accordingly.

Do the work. You’re worth it.

Hugs, Vicky xxx

How to Get Control of Your Feelings

I have let feelings run me for the last couple of weeks. In this case, it was a bad idea.

Why a bad idea?

Because my thoughts were running the show, unsupervised, like a toddler with scissors, not meaning to cause harm but….

I’m not even talking about “big feelings”. I don’t have a major crisis going on right now. No. My feelings are small everyday ones and they have been a bit debilitating.

Feelings of tiredness, crankiness, doubt, overwhelm, “should do’s”, guilt, shame, avoidance, discouragement, all resulted in too much Facebook time (a.k.a numbing), no progress in my business, overeating, wanting to sleep more, being gossipy and believing myself when I excuse my behaviour and convince myself it is self care when I don’t get the work done, AGAIN.

A minor blip in my landscape, I get it, but it didn’t feel good and it took me away from being me, and from creating my future.

For the past few years I have been mindful of my thoughts and actions and it has been life changing. Prior to this change I suspect I spent months and maybe even years in a haze of indecisiveness and confusion, self inflicted, even self serving, but so stifling and little to no forward movement.

And so I have learned that feelings should not be left to their own devices. Unchallenged. Unexamined. No, no, no.

We need to be aware that it is our thoughts that cause our feelings.

It was 2 weeks of basically feeling “I’m not good enough to do this” which was caused by what I was thinking.

Thank goodness!!! Because my thoughts, I can do something about that!!

For the last 2 mornings I have returned to visioning and affirmations being the first things I do when I wake up. It replaces waking up and thinking “what do I need to do today? I don’t think there’s much point though.”

Only I am aware of the crazy insane mess that lives inside my head and only I am responsible for cleaning it up. Same goes for you and what’s going on inside your head.

Try it. Pick a negative feeling you have about a relative. I’m guessing you believe your feelings about this person is their fault and something they are doing.

Let’s imagine your mother-in-law makes snide comments about your parenting. Whatever you feel about that is coming from YOUR thinking. If you and I were in the exact same situation, we would both feel, and therefore act, differently about it.

You cannot control another person or guess what their thinking is behind their actions – that’s their own cleaning job, should they choose to accept it. Once you understand that it is your own thinking causing your feelings, you are “response-able” to change it. If you want to that is.

Sometimes we don’t want to change our thoughts because we want to be mad at them, but be aware that this is a thought and decision also.

When you do want to feel differently, you will have to think differently.

Easy peasy? Well……that depends how you think about it ;).

Do the work. You are worth it.

Hugs, Vicky xx

Make This Small Change and Watch How Your Day Gets Better

Blog2-May 12 It’s a small change. Not necessarily an easy change. What I’m suggesting you do is change your mind.

Your thoughts are what get you in to (or out of) trouble.

I got “coached” this morning by my teenager because the theme of the week in our house has been, “pay attention to what you are thinking”. When I made a suggestion to her she responded with “I was just doing that” then came “seriously”. Apparently the “seriously” was to her sister and not to me – likely story – so I was being reminded of my own words after I pulled her up on her rudeness. I’m not loving the teenage ability to spin a story to be unprovable!!!

I’ve been hearing a lot of negativity coming out of my girls recently. The other day it felt really personal when my youngest complained that I spend longer saying goodnight to her sister than I do with her. Ouch!! I immediately started thinking “I’m a bad mom, I’m damaging my child, she’s going to need a life coach of her own in a few years to move forward from “mommy issues”, am I really being neglectful?” The thing is, she wasn’t wrong.

Thankfully, on this particular night I wasn’t counting down the moments until I could face plant my pillow so I was able to give her a chance to look at how she was thinking.

Firstly, a little back story. Me and my youngest daughter (the one feeling duped at bedtime) spend A LOT of time together. We have 3 girls and they are all competitive swimmers. The 2 eldest swim at the same time, same pool. The youngest different times, different pools. So, my husband and I divide and conquer. I get to pick my youngest up from school, we do homework together, she helps me cook, we chat during our car rides (she’s at the pool 5 times a week), and I watch a good portion of her swimming once I’ve done my own runs.

So, I brought her attention to the fact that if she is focusing her thoughts on herself getting “less than”, she will find the evidence of this. Of course she will find it, we have 2 other children that need our attention also. I told her what I wanted her to try was having the thought of “my mom and dad are always there when I need or want them.”

I don’t expect her thoughts and behaviour to change immediately. This particular 10 year old won’t remember the conversation, never mind the new thought process, so it will take some reminders and variations for her to benefit from this new thought process. But if she nails it she will be looking for evidence of love and abundance, instead of lacking and “poor me”.

Another example I found on this recently was a conversation I was having with a friend. We were talking about only children. I am an only child, so when she shared her experience of feeling judged when people would question her choice of having “just one”, for a split second I bought in. Absolutely people judge. They may be thinking you are selfish, or that you have a hard time getting pregnant or you are a practical person who doesn’t have the financial means to support more than one child. Whatever anyone else thinks is related to their own stories and none of your business.

And often people are just curious. Like me. If I see a set of twins I have a ton of questions. No, I have no interest how they were conceived, but if I did, that might be because I was having issues getting pregnant myself. You just never know, and shouldn’t guess, someone else’s intentions.

For mothers that get upset by the questions about their choices I’d ask, what is the thought that you are having that is causing the bad feeling? And I don’t mean the thought of “mind your own effing business”. I’m talking about getting to the heart of the (grey) matter, where you have made something up to mean you are “less than”, “wrong” or “missing something”.

One child / 10 children / IVF / adoption / sperm banks…..whatever your choices are, stand behind them and answer curiosity with kindness. Sure you could run across someone who intends on making you feel wrong. And the sooner you get comfortable with the idea that they are feeding their own needs and it has nothing to do with you, the better.

So that small change? Yes, it can have BIG impact. Just as soon as you check in with your thoughts and pick something more useful to think when you are feeling like things aren’t going your way.

Do the work. Make yourself your priority. You’re worth it.

Hugs, Vicky xxx

When Change Is In The Air

There’s an area in your life (several in mine) that makes you feel restless.

There’s a change that’s brewing.

You are ready for a change but are resistant to making that first move. Partly because you are not sure what that first move should be.

Well, how about you try this method out?

Firstly, acknowledge where you are now. What is it that you DO NOT want? What isn’t working for you. Be as clear as you can. While you are at it, make sure you are aware and also acknowledge what actions are getting you these unwanted results. Be sure to take responsibility for these actions. Reasoning that “it’s because my boss…..”, “I don’t have…….” won’t help you. If you hear an excuse coming up reword it so you take ownership of your own actions.

You cannot change what you do not own.

Next, put a great deal of thought into where you want to be. What DO you want? Don’t skimp on this step. Make it as detailed as possible. Think S.M.A.R.T. Which stands for Specific (who, what, where, why), Measurable (track your progress, and success), Attainable (Is it reasonably achievable and how so), Relevant (does it meet your needs and is it consistent with who you are), Time Bound (put a date on it). And have a sense on how having this will make you feel.

When you are clear on what you want, again, think “actions”. What are the actions that will get you to the results you want?

You must take it a step further though because action doesn’t come until you have your head in the game.

You MUST check in with what you are thinking.

You can’t continue to think the same as you did before and expect different results.

Yep, it’ll be tricky. Your brain would rather skip the hard work and stick with old routines and thought patterns, but you ain’t having that no more. And you’ll be ready for your mind to start it’s rebellion. If you’ve been reading along you know this is when the “inner critic” will jump to its feet and get up to its tricks of firstly bullishly telling you that you can’t do this, or that you won’t succeed, that there’s no point in trying and if you try to stand up to it it’ll change its tactic to reasoning with you seductively with stories of you not having time, or that something else is more important right now.

Brains Gone Wild. No more!!

If you are ready to get working on this I have made you a worksheet where you can put all your thoughts on paper, in the order in which I described above.

Get the worksheet here:
Click Here to Get Worksheet

Don’t Let $100 Upset Your Inner Critic

What if I said you could be getting an extra $100 per week?

Easy money……..yes please!!!!!

Nobody said easy, but it is possible to earn an extra $100 per week. There is something that you can do that other people can’t do or aren’t willing to do and would be happy to pay you for.

If you understand numbers there are a slew of solopreneurs that need what you know.

If you are crafty, there is a huge market of people wanting pretty things that don’t know how to make it for themselves.

In the last 24 hours alone I’ve heard of one woman earning money auditioning for voice overs from her home and another whose artwork was discovered on Fiverr and was commissioned for more expensive pieces ($20K’s worth – wow).

If you can sew, cook, walk dogs, have an eye for fashion, or a green thumb, then there are people that will pay you for what you can do for them.

Wait. I can’t hear you over the barrage of reasons that are going off in my head right now as to why I COULDN’T POSSIBLY do such a thing. Do you hear it too?

Some are aggressive ‘YOU DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THAT”, some are dismissive “there’s people already doing this”, some are mocking, “as if I could really do that!”

Thoughts like that keep you right where you were to start. If it’s easy money I’M IN, otherwise I’m afraid I’ll have to pass.

That Inner Critic voice would get you on the other side too if you start dreaming of how you could spend that extra $100 per week.

If you even think about spending that extra money on anything other than bills, debt repayment or on the kids then that voice will get really hoity.

“But I really want to buy something for myself.” “Maybe the next $100.”

Thoughts create actions so make sure your Inner Critic doesn’t get to run around like a toddler with a knife. Kindly disarm the Critic and continue with what you were doing. Check out my other posts on this subject (including some suggestions on how to deal with your Critic) here, here, here and here.

You truly can have more of what you want in your life.

You just have to handle your Inner Critic and go for it. You’re worth it.

Hugs, Vicky xx

What Do I Do When It Feels Like My Inner Critic Is Telling The Truth?

Sneaky little devil. That Inner Critic can be so smooth in its approach. When it tells you that you don’t have the time / money / qualifications it is just soooo easy to agree with it and go back to what you were doing.

I recently got an injury that took me out of a running race so I hesitantly decided to train for a triathlon this summer instead. I would love to say I’m a born athlete but if I’m honest this whole endeavor is vanity based. If I don’t have a race to train for I will absolutely, without a doubt, do NOTHING. And with the way I hock back food, doing nothing is a bad plan.

So, to get back into triathlon training, I have the run covered but I need to get back into the water and on a bike. I have had to battle my inner critic on these.

A few years ago my neighbours daughter had to teach me how to do front crawl, so you can imagine what thoughts come up when I think about getting in the water.

I also feel like a weak rider who would never ever consider taking a hand off my handle bars to take a drink, I grip those handle bars like my life depends on it. So, again, the inner critic asks me “what am I thinking going out on the roads with a bike?”

So, here’s what my inner critic has tried to throw at me so far:

You don’t have time to train in 3 sports. You look awful in a swimsuit. You’ll have to wear nose plugs and look silly. You should only go on your bike at 6am when no cars are around. You’ll probably fall off your bike at least once. You could get hit by a car. Is this really worth it? You’ll be last in the swim, it may not be worth it.

There are some legitimate concerns there. Hard to argue with time crunching and getting crunched by a car. So, how do I differentiate between inner critic and being realistic?

The easiest answer is, my inner critic makes nervous statements with no room for inquiry. My inner critic is not open for a discussion on the matter. It’s purpose is to get me back in my safe space asap.

If I were being realistic I would take the time to ask questions, look for solutions, and then decide, as neutrally as possible, what the outcome should be.

There is very little in life we can truly control. It’s true I could get hit by a car (especially as to how close they drive by me) and I have chosen a low traffic time to train. Although I cannot control the outcome of my biking on the road, I can choose to take realistic precautions and not let this limit what I want to do.

So, the next time you are tempted to believe you inner critic when it reasons with you as to why you can’t go after what you want, make sure to bring out curious questions that will look for solutions. Give yourself the gift of having a lot more information at hand before you believe what your inner critic is telling you. You are worth it.

Hugs, Vicky xx

You 1 – Mean Girl 0

The mean girl we are talking about is the one in your own head. Also known as Inner Critic, Saboteur or Gremlin.

It actually feels a little unfair to refer to the voice in my head as a mean girl. I’ve experienced a real life mean girl and she humiliated me, laughed at me, ganged up on me and conspired to make me feel small.

I don’t relate that to the voice in my head. Sure she can be loud and unkind, however, I feel her motivation is in my best interest.

I lived blissfully unaware of my Inner Critic for most of my life. It wasn’t until I trained as a Life Coach that the bubble burst – which was ultimately a good thing. Before this I believed what I was telling myself and led a relatively safe life. I enjoyed variety in my life but I wasn’t pursuing my dreams and ambitions.

My Inner Critic had no problem with me training and getting certified as a Life Coach. I have a passion for psychology and feel extremely capable in this role. However, when I decided to make a business of Life Coaching my Inner Critic has been a constant companion ever since.

Even as I write this post I have a running commentary telling me that nobody will read this far, that I’m not getting my point across very well and that nobody is interested in what I have to say. True or not, the commentary is of no help to me.

So, I created a printable worksheet which is part of my free Spring Clean Your Life program that is running through April. You can learn more about it here.

Check out the worksheet to get more acquainted with your Inner Mean Girl so you can better handle her and go after what is important to you.

Tame that Inner Critic and you’ll be surprised by the results. The trick is that you first have to recognize her. She will seduce you with reasons you should stay where you are, or make you believe you are incapable but use the worksheet to get to the truth, because your Inner Mean Girl / Critic is a little (lot) loose with the truth.

I’d love to hear how you are getting on. Come and share in the Facebook group.

Hugs, Vicky xxx

Why You Aren’t Reaching Your Goals

I have an extremely persistent child. She wears me down with questioning and reasoning and she is relentless in going for what she wants. She exhausts me and she is very smart.

She is not unlike the voice in our heads. Our Inner Critic.

Our Inner Critic is also extremely smart and knows exactly how to keep us precisely where we are now – safe, comfortable, not stretching ourselves. Our Inner Critic is good at her role and she has many ways of convincing us that she is right. She has many different arguments for us to listen to. It is often easier to go along with her than to fight with her.

I’d like to do a quick experiment with you. Today, in our Spring Clean Your Life Challenge, I released a “Goals” worksheet. It’s easy, write down a big goal for yourself.

Think about your goal. Notice what starts to go on inside your head.

Did you get to write down the big goal or did your Inner Critic get to you before you even got to writing? “There’s no point in thinking big”, “as if you have time for this”, “keep it easy so you can move onto something else instead”.

If you managed to write the big goal, what is your mind saying now? “Sure, we’ll start that tomorrow”, “I’m never going to be able to…..”, “I just need to be …….. first, and then I can do it”.

Listen to what your Inner Critic is saying to you. Without judgement. Just notice.

There are many ways to tackle your Inner Critic. As a life coach I’ll share a few I use but first I can’t stress enough that you need to first be aware of your Inner Critic, and know it is not telling you the truth. I have never had a coaching client that didn’t have their Inner Critic come up repeatedly in a coaching session and the client was totally unaware of it.

Once you are aware of your Inner Critic you take back your power from it and, more importantly, get to the truth.

Here’s how:

Firstly, you can thank and soothe your Inner Critic. Tell it you appreciate it trying to keep you safe but that “you got this”.

Secondly, you can look for the 5% truth in what it is saying. Ditch the part that is fear based and listen for that 5% wisdom, for example if it’s telling you that you have no idea what is involved in getting the promotion so don’t even try, you can pull out the wisdom that you have learning to do AND go for that promotion.

Thirdly, you can repeat what your Inner Critic says and respond. For example: “I notice you (Inner Critic) are saying I should eat the cake, and that it won’t make a difference in the long run. I made a commitment to myself and my actions DO matter in getting the results I want. Thanks, but no thanks to the cake.”

There are many ways to deal with the Inner Critic but I CANNOT STRESS ENOUGH, you must be aware of it first.

So, get to work on dealing with yours and step out from under its protective dome. You know there’s something you’ve been waiting to go after. Go for it.

Hugs, Vicky xxxx

The Voice In Your Head

Ugghhh…..I’m tired, hitting snooze…..I can’t believe I hit snooze again, what’s wrong with me?…..will I never be able to commit to myself?……I look like crap……I didn’t give myself time to make a healthy breakfast, again!!!…….I’m never going to lose the extra weight I gained ……my car is such a mess, how hard is it to keep clean, it’s like 10 square feet – I’m so messy……my desk is not much better, I’m going to clean it now……what the…….I’ll clean tomorrow, I really am messy, or am I just “a mess”?……I don’t think i have the energy to get groceries…..no energy? pah, suck it up…..I look really chunky…..double chin AND wrinkles, is that even fair?….why is my hair so bad?……am I ruining my children?…..my wardrobe sucks… why am I still up?….I even failed at getting to bed at a decent time…..how hard is it to go to bed????…I’m crap.

Has anyone ever been as relentlessly mean to you as your own voice in your own head?

So much for loving yourself!! Can anyone actually do that with the mean girl chatter that never relents.

My chatter is what I started this post with.

And I truly believe that I’m a pretty awesome person.

Hard to believe with that tirade going off.

There are probably women that you know of that to look at them you would never guess that they have their own monologue going off in their own heads. Surely it’s not happening to them??

It sure is.

So, what are we going to do about it ladies?

Firstly, you have to be aware of it. You cannot correct a voice you have accepted.

Secondly, don’t accept it.

You will no longer be resigned to this way of speaking to yourself.

I’m not going to tell you to insert positive affirmation instead. That is one solution, but unless you truly believe the affirmation it falls flat and becomes something else that gets caught up in the negative chatter in your head.

Instead, try just noticing the thought. For example: “I notice I think I look like crap.” I find if I reframe my thought in this way, as opposed to just having the thought and accepting it as fact, my mind will often come to my defence. And if the thought doesn’t come naturally, I can purposely find something kind to say to myself.

If a friend was beating up on herself you would defend her. It’s time to put more attention on defending yourself.

It will take work. Being mindful always does. And you are worth it.

Hugs, Vicky xxx

If you haven’t already please join us for the Spring Clean Your Life Challenge. Free printable worksheets everyday in April.

i don’t know how to help you

Now I’ll add a bit of grammar (don’t message me if I get it wrong :)).

“I don’t know!!”
How to help you……

Coaching clients commonly answer “I don’t know” to my questions. When I dig deeper 98% of the time they TOTALLY DO KNOW. So what prompts this answer which stops the learning?

It is the easiest answer to give.

They are not being lazy or flippant. Their brains are doing what they are supposed to do – take the easiest path. With all the millions of decisions your brain is making every day which don’t require your conscious effort, it will absolutely try and avoid the deep thinking.

I don’t let that brain get away with short cutting, because getting a client to discover their own answers is incredibly powerful work.

Do you want to learn how to coach yourself to avoid giving yourself the “I don’t know answer?”

It takes practice and dedication because NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) is a fact, you will follow the path most travelled, which means it’s easy to fall back into old habits.

The answer is actually quite simple, it’s the implementation that is more difficult.

Ask yourself better questions.

As a coach I’m trained to ask questions, but alone in my head I still sometimes ask dead end questions.

Why do you let that person talk to you/treat you like that?

It is way too easy to answer “I don’t know”, resolve to do better next time and move on. Hey, I’m very efficiently moving away from the discomfort of the WHOLE situation. Crafty move, yes?

How likely do you think there will be a repeat of being spoken to or treat badly?

What if you did know why you let that person treat you like that? Or what would be your best guess as to why?

These are extremely simple follow up questions to “I don’t know” and they are extremely effective. The client, in this case yourself, realizes that they aren’t getting off the hook and look a little deeper, almost always coming up with an answer, something that they can work on.

We let ourselves off the hook a lot. And that’s OK when it’s not important. When it is important, when something is having a negative affect on our lives, it is in our best interest to get the answers which allow us to move forward.